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I Was Once Lost

Now I am found.

When I was growing up I always felt different then everyone else I went to school with. I never knew what it was. But as I grew older I was wondering why I was staring a little bit too long at the girls in the locker room getting ready for gym class and why I was obsessing over the girl who was two years older than me who had no idea who I was. I remember one day when I was in eighth grade there was this girl who was very open about her sexuality and she asked another girl if she wanted to kiss her. I was so uncomfortable and when my mom came to pick me up I told her what was going on and she asked how I felt about it. I told her that I was interested and that I was scared to say that I was attracted to the same sex. She told me it was OK but I shouldn’t tell my dad. (By the way, my first kiss was my best friend in elementary school). I learned about Pornhub when I was fourteen and the first category I clicked on was ‘lesbians’. I thought that was completely normal and that all girls probably watch this category. I guess I was wrong. I tried watching male and female porn but it was just not as intriguing. 

What the heck is wrong with me?” I thought to myself. When I lost my virginity and started sleeping with men I couldn’t get off. When I couldn’t get an orgasm from sex I definitely thought there was something wrong with my vagina. I went to the clinic and they told me that it was actually normal and that only two percent of females get an orgasm from penetration. WHAT THE FUCK! I totally thought she was just telling me that to make me feel better because all my friends could get an orgasm from sex. My self diagnosis was, “it’s because I’m a closeted lesbian.” I still never defined myself as a lesbian, though. I still said that I’m just bi-curious and kept faking my orgasms when I’d have sex and have them eat me out so I could have a real orgasm. Finally I had my first orgasm through penetration and it was wonderful!! I was so happy I almost cried. Finally I learned how to align our bodies up so I could get clitoral stimulation which could cause me to orgasm while having sex. When I was eighteen I called my mom and told her that I was definitely bisexual because I totally had this huge crush on my best friend and I knew she was bisexual even though she didn’t admit it. Anyways, I told my mom that I was going to tell my dad because he’s my dad, and I was doing this thing on Facebook where I was posting confessions, and one of the confessions that I was going to post was about me being bisexual. I ran downstairs with my cousin and told him, and you wanna know what he said?? He said, “I know. I’m not stupid. Your first kiss was a girl. It’s okay. When I was in college I had a three way with two girls.” Cool. Thanks Dad. 😐 

Coming out was such a relief. I got a lot of support and I finally felt free. The only thing was that I had no idea how to flirt with females and I’ve never been sexual with a female. Just before my twenty-third birthday I had a four way and there was another female and I went for it. The alcohol and cocaine helped out with my nerves and I finally felt accomplished. I still haven’t figured out how to flirt with females yet but I’m sure it’ll happen.