I'm Addicted to Porn

I am addicted to porn. And I’m female. Does that shock you? For many it does. There’s a general misconception that porn addiction is exclusive to men, as if women are invulnerable to the habit. Consider it another double standard in regards to sexuality and the expression of it in men and women. But as a person living through the experience, I don’t believe anyone is exempt from its temptations.

I’m not certain when was the first time I was introduced to sexual content. I do remember finding stacks of my father’s pornographic magazines underneath the cabinet in my bathroom. I may have been about 10 years old at the time and it was a remarkable discovery for me I felt. As I reflect on it today, I feel it sparked an intense interest and I’ve maintained that interest up to this day. I suspect that I encountered sexual content even earlier than age ten for particular reasons. But those are to be discussed in an essay of its own…

In addition to my father’s magazines, I also discovered his secret collection of pornographic videotapes. They were in the bottom right cabinet of the living room television stand. Not necessarily the most obscure location but I assume he thought no one would be searching for them. After all, it was only he, my mother, and I that occupied the home. This provided a significant amount of time for me to indulge in my secret discoveries alone. I recollect so many late nights where I’d spend hours watching, rewinding, and rewatching the films. Mesmerized by the bare breasts, bottoms, and figures I’d been prohibited from seeing for years. There was no sexual arousal at this point; I was merely entertained by the secrecy of the act itself. However, this intense secrecy bred a subconscious addiction I would grow to hide for many years.

Even as an adult today, I still watch porn in secret. I cover my head with blankets, turn the volume to its lowest setting. Its almost as if I want to hide from myself that I’m watching it. The secrecy is highly intense and that is what bothers me. I know that it gives way to shame, disdain for my own habit and it only serves to feed my addiction more. There are moments where I attempt to convince myself I’ll stop, I’ll resist the urge the next time around, but I never do. It’s almost never a true struggle.

In addition to the intense secrecy, I am ashamed of the nature of the content I indulge in. My pornographic preferences would be considered ‘taboo’; only niche communities are entertained by these genres. I’ve found that the unpopularity of these genres is what fuels my desire even more. To know that the acts are different, odd, and unique makes me enjoy it even more. My addiction has intensified so much that ‘vanilla’ content does not arouse me anymore. I need material that’s spicy, flavorful, and adventurous. I would never venture into anything illegal or immoral. I know that doesn’t sound believable coming from a self-proclaimed porn addict. But this I know for certain.

Although I am ashamed of the content I indulge in, I have shared my porn interest with others. Casual partners, one-night stands. Men who I didn’t foresee a future with anyhow, so I felt comfortable casually discussing my kinks. I was candid about the frequency of my viewing and areas that interested me. In nearly every situation they were amused, aroused even. Due to the double standards surrounding sexuality, many men tend to believe women don’t enjoy pornography and most certainly would not have pornographic preferences. I savored the opportunity to share my secret fantasies—something I rarely did. Yet I didn’t realize that the validation I received from their marvel only fed into my already intense addiction.

Porn generally does not interfere with the ongoings of my daily life. There are days where I can’t get out of bed or nights where I can’t drift off to sleep until I’ve orgasmed but that is the extent of it. Most wouldn’t consider that a ‘clinical’ addiction in this case. But I beg to differ. I know how much porn affects me internally each day. Even when I’m not viewing it, it affects how I view myself and others around me. I continuously sexualize myself and other people, friends and strangers alike. Porn has certainly impacted my sex life as well. I find that men are never too fit enough, never ‘large’ enough, never aggressive enough, and my insatiable appetite outweighs theirs heavily. In past relationships, there have been moments where I’d rather be entertained through a screen than engage in sex with my partner. It’s caused conflict in these small ways.

As disappointing as it may sound, I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. There are millions of other people experiencing porn addiction as well and I am certain some of them—if even a small percentage—are women. We’re a secret minority and our addictions may not seem as problematic as those of men. Society rewards women who are sexual—only in private though. But my private obsessions are haunting me. It’s a twisted addiction that brings so much pleasure yet so much shame. And continuously, you’re trying to determine which consequence outweighs the other.