I Am Not Going to Have Sex with You

Last weekend, I went on a date (or an outing) with a guy I met on a fetish site. For a whole year, this guy had messaged me over and over about making plans to meet up. When the one-year “anniversary” of his pursuit of me came around, I felt guilty. Here was a guy who seemed intelligent. He was a dominant and I’m a switch. He had a job and a car. And there I was, not even willing to meet up with him for a simple chat in a public place. So, I agreed to a date. We settled on a bar in the swankiest part of downtown, where we could get to know each other.

I’m always seeking to make friends in the fetish and BDSM community. That’s how you learn where the best toys are sold, which play parties are worth going to, and sometimes which play partners to stay away from. But this guy had something else in mind. He wanted to fuck. After two days of texting back and forth, during which I kept hinting I wasn’t interested in a sexual relationship with him, I had to be very blunt. I typed, “I am not going to have sex with you.”

In no way am I shaming this man for his sexual desire for me or any other woman. What I took issue with was the fact that I had hinted that I wasn’t interested in him and that he acted as though I owed him sex because he was a dominant. This has been a reoccurring issue with me and dominants in kink and fetish spaces. Maybe if I weren’t in a relationship with clear, defined rules, I might have been open to taking on a new sex partner. Also, in their defense, many people associate kink and fetish with sex. I’m sure that many of their sex partners are and would be turned on by their forward behavior. Sex and sexuality are core parts of kink and fetish—but they aren’t required. Not all kinks or fetishes are sexual. Not every kinkster or fetishist is a slut.

I always say that I love sluts, but I myself am not a slut. I am slightly envious of girls and guys who are able to have sex without attachments or to have different sex partners. I may not be a slut, but I am a lot of other things. I am a baby girl, a domme, an exhibitionist, a sensualist, and a hedonist … to name just a few. None of this means that I’ll have sex with you. I’ve played with partners for hours without having sex with them. Sex isn’t necessary to have a good time. “Play partner” and “sex partner” are not always interchangeable titles. Just as sex is a huge part of kink, so is respecting others’ boundaries.

What I’m finding more of, or what is becoming a bigger problem, is that people are starting to take advantage of a community of people who are fully aware of their sexuality, and to abuse this medium to harass people for sexual gain. That isn’t a kink. That isn’t a fetish. That is being a sexual predator. Dominance isn’t just about you asking for something and me automatically giving it to you. It’s about developing trust such that when you ask something of me, I give it to you because what I get in return is something I truly want. If I tell you I don’t want sex and you continue to ignore my wishes, you aren’t being a good dominant. If you assume that I want sex, you might be too selfish for some submissives or play partners.

My hope is that if you are a member of—or are becoming interested in—this community, you are aware of the fact that kink, fetish, and BDSM encompass more than just a girl or a guy open to having sex on a non-conventional level. Not every dom is the same and not every sub is the same. Some of us are looking to have a good time, but that doesn’t necessarily include sex.