Should you spank your partner? If you catch yourself staring at your girlfriend and imagining her over your knee, if hearing phrases like "Daddy, I've been a bad girl..." makes your hands tingle with the need to deliver a good smack to her backside, the good news is you're not alone! Movies like Fifty Shades of Grey have normalized BDSM play—especially lighter kinks like spanking—and recent studies like this one have shown that a staggering 60% of women fantasize about being spanked. In fact, your girlfriend may be fantasizing about it just as much as you are! But—as hot as it looks in Fifty Shades—throwing her across your lap with no warning probably isn't the best way to start the conversation—not with the result you want, anyway. To master the art of spanking successfully, we recommend that you follow these four Cs.
You can initiate a spanking through a variety of ways, but if you want to truly master the art, the best way to start is by talking to your partner. Make sure they're comfortable with the idea, and find out about their hard limits first. It's also crucial to establish safe-words that you can both agree upon and respect. Once someone says that word, you agree to stop the session and find out what's wrong. It's one of the BDSM terms you need to know.
Now that you've established appropriate consent, you can focus on the exciting part: how to spice things up! A playful smack on the butt can set the mood pretty quickly, opening the door for a more intense, over-the-knee session. But for those who prefer to start things slowly, the best results may come about through a sultry description of what you'd like to do to them. Whether your style is slow and steamy, or a naughty romp from the get-go, it's important to remember that spanking is all about the mood.
Kinks and fetishes are always more cerebral than sexual. Unlike plain vanilla sex, kinky elements like sadism and bondage are meant to heighten your partner's psychological senses as well as their sensual side. The whole point of engaging in kinky role-play is to access a level of fulfillment and completeness you might not reach through ordinary sex. This is especially true of spanking, because role-plays with a Dominant/submissive dynamic force you and your partner to trust each other, to be vulnerable in a way you might not be used to. This—not a casual smack on the backside—is the element that will really spice up your relationship, and that's why communication is key.
If you really want to get in touch with your inner Christian Grey, try taking a more dominant stance and confront your partner with the reality of their soon-to-be-warmed bottom. Explain to them exactly why they're getting a spanking, and ask them to repeat the reason. There's a reason why spanking arouses people. This will not only reinforce consent and understanding, it will help to put them in a more submissive mood. ("I'm getting a spanking because____" or "I was a naughty girl because _____, and now I'm getting a spanking..." will do wonders for triggering a submissive mindset in an adult who's not used to speaking in this way.)
To further heighten the Dominant/submissive dynamic, you can also try commanding your partner to remove their underwear, get over your knee, and other little actions that enforce their submission before the spanking even starts. And if you want them to really interact with the spanking, you can suggest that they count out each spank or repeat a selected phrase during the spanking.
Now that you're ready for the spanking itself, here are a few things to remember: unlike the spankings you might have seen in movies, it's not all about a series of good, solid whacks. To truly master the art of spanking, it's important to understand that position is key. If your partner is over your knees and their hands are on the floor, this position will elevate their bottom and keep their legs off the ground, heightening both the sensation of the spanking and their feeling of helplessness.
If your session is on or over the bed, your partner could keep their face down into a pillow during the session. The softness of the pillow will provide a comforting sensation in contrast with the painful spanking, and limiting their field of vision will force them to focus on the tactile experience going on below.
But how you spank is just as important as where you spank. The best (read: most erotic) spankings are carefully choreographed to bring maximum arousal, so put a little thought into your session before you begin. Start by rubbing slow circles around their bottom before you strike. This can be comforting but also deliciously fear-inducing as your partner hangs over your lap, wondering when you're going to strike. You'll also want to alternate between small, quick slaps and open-handed swats. By switching up the technique mid-spank, your partner will be suspended in a state of constant anticipation, teetering on the edge of orgasm as they wait for the next blow.
An applied vibrator will add a pleasurable layer of torment to your session, keeping your partner in a state of frenzied ecstasy as they alternate between pleasure and pain. You can also spice things up by switching between a hand-spanking and a household implement, like a paddle or a wooden spoon. Going back and forth between your hand a wooden tool will add a new layer of sensation as well.
Spanking sex can also work well, and may be a good stepping stone before you try a full-blown role-play session. Adding a few smacks to your partner's ass during sex, while you're both already aroused and comfortable, is a great way to help a hesitant partner associate spanking with arousal or to work your way up to something more intense.
Lastly, don't forget the aftercare. Because they're different and more intense than vanilla sex, role-play sessions can be draining for both of you, especially the person being spanked. So after finishing every session, it's important to tend to your partner's needs. Even if your session was just for fun, be tender following this intense moment. In fact, a lot of women who identify as submissives in a BDSM context enjoy a partner reinforcing dominance even in aftercare. For some, this might mean to be held in his arms or sit in his lap to drive home that spanked, naughty girl vibe.
But no matter what else your dynamic involves, take time to talk through it together, paying special attention to the aspects that did and didn't work for each of you. Whether your session is just for fun or primarily a "bad girl spanking," meant to serve as erotic correction for some offense, make sure to spend some extra time cuddling and comforting your partner to reassure them that they're loved and forgiven.
If you follow all these steps, you can be sure that you'll master the art of spanking!