How to Hide Sex Toys from Your Kids

Having sex when you have kids around is always a challenge. As those kids get older, the challenges become even bigger. When they are old enough to start having their own sex lives, then you are in real trouble. Not only do you have a whole new set of issues to worry about, but you are always fearful that they might start asking you about sex toys or ask about what sex toys you own or recommend. It makes the "where do babies come from" question seem easy. Now if you choose to have a sex swing hanging from the middle of your boudoir, that is totally your call, but there is no hiding that.

No one wants to tell their child why they chose the Oomph! vibrator over the California Exotics Butterfly vibrator. Every parent dreads the day they have to explain what S&M means. No mother wants their kid to find their worn-out copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, or their father's Penthouse collection under the mattress. As a wise person once said, "Little kids-little problems, big kids-big problems." This is all too true, all too often. And when it involves sex, it is just all too much!

Be Safety Conscious

It’s one thing to say video games promote violence, rap lyrics create a racial divide, and Donald Trump single handedly wrecked the Republican party. It is another thing entirely to believe that incidents of sex toy accidents resulting in hospitalization have hit a peak since the release of Fifty Shades of Grey. But the numbers don't lie. So be careful shoving that red ball in your mouth and, for goodness sakes, loosen up the knots.

Babies

Baby-proofing takes on a whole new meaning when it comes to what goes on in the bedroom. No one is leaving their butt plugs on the floor, for many reasons. One of which being their slight resemblance to a pacifier. The last thing you want to see is your cute little baby sucking on one of your butt plugs. Not a pretty sight. At that age, you are still pretty safe with having a "goody drawer," usually the one in your night stand, as close to your bed as possible. In the infant stage, your time is limited, and easy access is of the utmost importance. This applies to toys and body parts, as well as food and drink. Anything that can speed up the foreplay process is appreciated.

When they are babies, you can pretty much stick them in their crib or play pen and then get busy. The exersaucer or freestanding swings are other great options. With enough experience, you could set a stopwatch and keep track of how much time you have. Though, with babies, the cardinal rule is always expect the unexpected. But at least you know they are safe and contained, meaning you and your partner can pull out whatever accoutrements you need and you can get down and dirty. Finish the deed, hopefully successfully, clean your toys, put them back in the drawer, and go back to being a parent.

Toddlers

Now what happens when your progeny starts the process of learning to walk? Few things make a youngster more proud of themselves than pulling themselves up to a standing position and wreaking havoc on whatever counter-top they have access to. When you see this start to happen, it is time to start hiding things. We can move our whips and oils to the dresser. As long as your dresser is taller than five feet, you are safe. Pick one of the higher drawers and hide away. No kid under the age of ten is going to start rummaging through your stuff, unless you have a really precocious kid, but let's hope that isn't the case.

It is also imperative that you never let your little one catch a glimpse of any of your more interesting toys. Have a pair of purple furry handcuffs? Don't want your little princess taking a gander at those. She might think they are bracelets and want to include them in her dress up clothes. That should make for an interesting play date. And does this little princess like make up? If mommy is the proud owner of a Screaming O Studio Mascara Vibe, you might want to keep that hidden in a make up bag on top of your closet. It looks like mascara, but it is anything but. The same applies to your handy dandy Lipstick Vibrator; little princess doesn't need to know about her second set of lips just yet. And just like the look of disappointment when your kids find out that there is no Santa Claus, you don't want the princess to learn to early on that sometimes her prince will need some help giving her a happy ending.

Adolescents

The issue of hiding your sex toys clearly becomes trickier when your kids enter the realm of adolescence. They start to learn more about their own bodies and what makes them feel good. Your sons might start taking longer showers, you might start finding more crumpled up tissues or socks under or near their bed—it is an issue that causes every parent to squirm and, perhaps, have a mild panic attack or two. Some parents are lucky and they have kids that just don't talk about sex, ever. And then there are the kids that ask too many questions. But honesty is the best policy and an open relationship early on can lead to a healthier relationship later on.

Teenagers

Teenagers are tricky. They could be going through your room, looking for something as harmless as a pen, a lost remote control, or a $20 bill, and stumble across your treasure trove of sexual paraphernalia. You want to avoid this at all costs. Where does one hide their sex toys? It is time to get creative. Sometimes, hiding in plain site is the most obvious of answers. The good news is, some sex toy companies have started creating products to meet this end. There are a wide variety of sex toys available that don't quite look like toys, making them easy to hide in plain sight.

But where do you hide your favorite dildo that actually looks like a dildo? Do you have throw pillows on your bed? Use those to hide some of your goodies. The cushions are a clever way to disguise anything that is sharp or pointy. Unzip the pillow case, slip in your cock rings or riding crop and your playthings are there for the ready. Of course, if a sex pillow is part of your artillery, just put a pretty pillow case on it and no one will be the wiser. Hiding a blow up, anatomically correct doll, might be more of a challenge. Chances are, unless you have a secret closet or a well-guarded Red Room, you might have to keep it deflated for space purposes. Have some larger items you need hidden? Save shoe/boot boxes for easy and discreet storage. Since most kids like throwing laundry on the floor, you could even hide some treasures in a laundry hamper, but that might be taking it a bit too far.

Be Discreet, Not Boring

A healthy sex life contributes to a healthy marriage. As parents who like to have their own sexy playdates to keep the lines of intimacy wide-open, it is important to have an ample supply of toys to keep sex fun and interesting. You just don't want to have your kids walking around wearing your satin blindfold and eating your edible underwear. You never want to have to explain to your in-laws why your two-year-old is walking around with a big black vibrating penis, as much as it would make for an interesting holiday dinner conversation piece. Be smart, be clever, and always keep an up-to-date inventory, just in case your kids are smarter than you are!

Easy-To-Hide Sex Toy Recommendations

Sex toy companies have discovered what parents everywhere already knew. Sometimes what you need most is a toy that doesn't quite look like a toy. Luckily, there are a wide variety of these on the market today. Whether it's a sex toy that is cleverly disguised as a necklace or something that just happens to be small enough to easily conceal, there are many easy-to-hide options out there. We've collected a list of the best hideable toys to add to your collection.

Accessory by day, vibrator by night, this sleek beauty is the most discreet of the bunch. Doubling as a necklace, the Vesper Pendant Vibrator’s compact design makes it easy to conceal from friends and family members alike. Leave it in your jewelry box amongst your other favorite accessories and your kids (and even your husband) will never know the difference. Another perk? It’s super quiet, so if you do find time to engage in a little play after the kids fall asleep, you don’t have to worry about incessant buzzing.

Forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest, and this personal massager is no different. This toy from Rianne S is a great choice for those looking for something inconspicuous to leave around the room. Shaped like an apple, onlookers will have no idea that this apple figurine is actually a vibrator. As to explaining why you have an apple figurine lying around your room in the first place, well, that's up to you to explain. Different strokes for different folks, right?

While the product itself may not be so circumspect (a butt plug is a butt plug people), the remote to this fun little gadget it what really makes it interesting. Closely resembling a pen, the NUO remote allows you to pleasure your partner in public without being obvious. You can leave the pen basically anywhere without fear of it being found and questioned. Leave the remote unguarded at your own risk though, wouldn’t want to be surprised by butt play with the wrong person.

Shine bright like a diamond, right? Well, not so bright to garner attention, but bright enough to be every girl’s best friend. This diamond shaped vibrator packs a ton a of power in a punch small enough to hide from the family. Leave it in your bedside drawer and feel content that if discovered, everyone will just assume you couldn’t help yourself, yet again, from buying something so pretty that has no function at all.

Small, non-descript, and silent, this vibrator hits the trifecta when it comes to being discreet. Keep it inside the panty sleeve, inside your panty drawer, and consider it camouflaged. The remote, resembling any modern day stereo remote, will go unnoticed left atop the bedside table or dresser. This toy is also perfect to travel with, hiding neatly next to your tampons and loose change in your purse.