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Bonking in the great outdoors. Banging when people are nearby. There's much to be said for what spontaneous "I must have you here and now" moments can do for your sex life, as well as building a connection and/or memory with a partner. But how do you do it? What do you want to avoid? Because people say they really love the idea of being caught. Now I reckon most people, like myself, like the idea... but realistically we absolutely DO NOT want to be caught. No thank you. We do not want to be arrested for indecent exposure or scar small children for life. We want to get freaky somewhere different and emerge innocent and ninja-like with only shared memories for evidence.
Now I've done it in a number of places with a few select people. My advice is it's much better to do it with someone you're in a relationship with or are at least dating. Because it can get really awkward and uncomfortable, really fast. No fluffy pillows for you my friend. Then again there's much to be said for the spontaneity of a first igniting passion that has all the intensity of new found lust and attraction. So I leave that down to you to decide. This article here marks the start of a small series of these naughty guides where I share with you a mixture of amusing anecdotal stories and sincere advice to all you would-be public invaders (as my boyfriend and I like to call it). So buckle up and enjoy. The fantasy that kicks it off seems to be on almost everyone's to do list.
What's the one fantasy everyone dreams about? Sex on the beach... come on everybody. Come sing with me now. What is it about the beach? The often gentle and sometimes violent push and pull of the waves, much like the act of love making itself? The sea breeze whipping your hair up into a frenzy and making everything feel fresh and invigorating? Whatever it is, we've all thought about it at least once. Here's my story.
It was Summer. Kavos, Corfu, a hot place, not a classy place, a cocktails on the beach, laughing gas and foam party kind of place. But the sea was warm, the sun bright, the sand was white and the music suggestive. I was 19 and on my 'trashy holiday with the girls' for the first time. I'd recently had my virginity taken from me and my heart broken as a result. Despite the heart ache, the virginity brakes were no longer there to stop me. I felt free and rebellious, no longer shy about doing "it." With the excitement of the first day, I'd certainly spotted a few characters that turned my eye. I was open-minded to what might happen though I certainly wasn't seeking it out. As I walked by the pool in my pink bikini, there came a "hey you alright?" from a table under the shade. I looked around but there was no one else at the bar. "Yes, I meant you," the voice laughed amongst the chorus of his friends.
I turned to see a group of lads sat at the table with beers in hand. They were all clearly older than us (mid to late 20s or thereabouts) with an air of relaxed confidence that was so attractive after the indecisive immaturity of the boys our own age. The cocky voice addressing me belonged to someone who I'd spotted as soon as we'd sat down for the holiday reps' over enthusiastic spiel earlier that day. A muscular man in neon pink shorts, with a shock of blonde hair, electric blue eyes, with a ridiculous pair of neon green sunglasses on his head. You couldn't miss him really. I joined the table and hit it off with these lads straight away. They were warm and humorous. They put me at ease.
I couldn't say the same about the reception they received from my girls, but still, we would join them for pre-drinks on many an evening of this holiday. I was originally led to believe that Shorts was a firefighter, because of his build but of course his mates were poking fun. He revealed later that he was in fact a Secondary School Physics teacher, which suited him far better if I'm honest. He was an amusing little show off. In a constant state of strut. He tried to call out my name as he back flipped into the pool. He went to kiss me in broad daylight as he put his sunglasses on my blushing face, which had never happened with someone I'd just met. I felt like here I'd be breaking all the rules.
One morning Shorts was walking with me to get some breakfast after a group night out. England was hosting the Olympics at that time. I remember it playing out scratchily from an old television set in a beach-side cafe where British tourists flocked for British breakfasts. The atmosphere was homely and raucous. I felt slightly nervous. But I laughed that off. As we'd started walking down the promenade I jokingly sang "sex on the beach." A nervous and hugely uncomfortably smile spread on Shorts' face.
"What's wrong?" I asked coyly.
Then I saw where he'd placed his hands. I shrieked with laughter I couldn't contain when I could see that the poor man was growing a colossal erection and had to hold down his pink shorts for dear life. It was clear what we both had in mind.
He knew I wouldn't do anything in my room with him. I was sharing it with the girls and it would certainly cross a line. So instead we planned to sneak out in the late to early hours and head to the beach. I was brimming with excitement. I'd never done anything like this before. So, I waited until everyone was asleep after a quieter night out, got up and snuck out the door. There he was, clearly excited like a puppy dog. We held hands and laughed like self-conscious teenagers. Though I guess at that time, I actually was a teenager. We walked through the surf to the very far end of the beach. The sky was starting to pale from black to blue. The stragglers were disappearing and we were entirely alone.
Wait! We pause this story for the advice part.
Time to give you the tips you need for a pleasurable experience. So you can go get your own sex on the beach story and make it a good one.
- You're dealing with sand here. Gritty, itchy sand. If there's anywhere you DON'T want to get this particular substance, it's on your genitals. It can get stuck under the foreskin and for it to get stuck in a lady. Oooh it just makes you want to cross your legs doesn't it? For this reason. I recommend doggy style. Whether standing or kneeling (though standing is hardly inconspicuous so kneeling really is the way). You keep everything elevated. Missionary? Not the best idea, with a well placed, large towel? Maybe. Depends how much time you have. And on the weather...
The Sultry Sea Breeze
- If it's windy. That gritty, scratchy sand is likely to get everywhere despite your best efforts. If it's a light breeze you can risk it, but try to find a spot that has some shelter from the wind. Not so romantic to have a mouth or crotch-full of sand is it? You're not trying to make yourselves into a giant egg-timer.
The Mysterious Sea
- Final point, the sea. It may seem like a good idea, go do it in the sea! You're hidden. Who's going to catch you? You just look like you're hugging right? Well, I also knew not to actually try to do the deed in the sea. Not comfortable at all for either party, since sea water and lubrication? Well they aren't friends. Anyone who's tried to do it in the bathtub with no lubrication? Well, imagine unhygienic salt water. Painful is the word I've heard used. And I've known well enough to believe it. But hey, you've read this article, it'll be smooth sailing for you (for that pun, I regret nothing). And that photo paints the picture well for what follows.
Back to it. I was on my knees. The moment of truth. I tried to relax as he sidled up behind me and placed his hands on my waist. He slid into me from behind (protected of course), with the sound of the waves climbing with his own ecstasy as well as my own. He grabbed my hair and pounded me with the coming waves, on and on. I tried to hold in my moans, living in the moment. Finally, I felt him collapsing gently on my back and holding me close as we breathed heavily. It was a serene moment and I felt truly alive.
Another word of advice. This is meant to be for the experience. Both parties should not be disheartened by the woman not reaching her orgasm. In this one specific scenario, I don't believe that needs to be the focus. I personally can't let go in a situation that is as risky as that where time is of the essence, as most women know, letting go is essential for orgasm. But of course to each their own.
We turned to face the rising sun. It rose gracefully, blood red out of the water. We looked at each other, bathed in the warm light and simultaneously got up, running into the sea to wash off. Not caring about the spray that flew out everywhere around us. The water was welcoming, cooling and soothing. We stayed there, bobbing. Then, silently, he carried me back to the shore with the water bearing my weight. That moment lingered in my mind as I stood in the shower. Washing away the physical traces of the morning. And smiled a secret smile that belonged to the sunrise on a deserted beach in Corfu.
I hope you enjoyed reading that! I'm always deeply grateful for any support you can give to keep these articles rolling. Feel free to email me at [email protected] if you have any requests. I would love to hear your thoughts.