I know the movies told you that ‘One day your Prince will come!’ So when you’re sitting alone at a bar, no one is coming up to speak to you and you're getting no matches on Tinder, this can all feel mortally disappointing.
I blame Disney movies for filling our minds with unrealistic expectations about how our man will find us. We expect men to all be swashbuckling heroes, who decide at first sight we’re the one for them and carry us off into the sunset.
This is quite a lot to ask of your average guy.
If he’s not approaching you now it’s not because there’s something wrong with you: it’s because there’s a huge gap between our cultural expectations of how we should meet ‘him’ and how he feels about approaching you.
Most men find approaching women to be somewhere between ‘slightly concerned she’s going to reject me’ and ‘this is terrifying!’ Not very romantic, I know…
Counterintuitively, if he’s not approaching you it could be because he’s super attracted to you, rather than not attracted at all. He could also be holding back on approaching for several reasons that may seem logical to him, but crazy to you:
- He’s worried he’s being ‘creepy’. Good guys who like their moms are often extremely cautious to not seem like they're harassing you. This means he’ll worry that if he says hello to you, he’ll be interrupting you or making you feel uncomfortable. You, on the other hand, may not feel like you can say hi to him because it’s ‘his job’ to make the first move, so the net result is that no one says hello to anyone, and everyone loses.
- He doesn’t feel like he knows the ‘right’ thing to say. Men can get very caught up in terms of their ‘performance’ and this begins way before the bedroom. After reading a bunch of dating and pick up advice, he may have several conflicting ideas over what’s the right ‘line’ to get you to like him. Just saying ‘hi’ doesn’t seem good enough to impress a woman as beautiful as you, so he doesn’t say anything at all.
- He’s horrible at reading your signals. You could be smiling right at him, and he’ll think you’re making eyes at the fire escape behind him. Frustratingly, the only guys that seem to be able to react to your signals are the guys who are super confident approaching women, and may be just the kind of guy you don’t want to meet.
Less Ice, More Nice
To increase your chances of meeting a sincere guy you like, rather than just the ‘players’ of this world, you need to lower his fear of rejection by appearing more available. Yep, I want you to scrap anything you've ever read about being an ‘ice queen’ and practice these tactics to lower your guard so you attract more of the guys you want to meet.
- Turn up early. Men who lack some confidence with women get even more spooked when you’re out with a big, boisterous group of female friends. He’ll feel much more comfortable speaking to you one on one. So turn up fifteen minutes before your friends and see if that encourages men to approach you.
- Move closer. If you’re swapping some eye contact but he isn’t budging, assume he’s not moving towards you because he fears rejection. You can get around this this by creating a reason to move closer to him. Most men will think twice about crossing a bar to speak to you; but will feel much more secure speaking to a woman who just happens to be standing next to them.
- Give approval. I know that if you’re attracted to someone the default can be to avert your eyes and look down at your feet. Instead, condition yourself to hold his gaze for a split second longer than you otherwise would and smile at him. This sends out a strong signal of your approachability and friendliness and gives him a nonverbal cue to step forward.
I know this may not describe the movie moment you were looking for, but if you can be more proactive at meeting men, then you’ll find that men still want to meet women. All they just need is a little nudge in the right direction.
Meet more men - find out how by getting Hayley's Free Cheat Sheet on meeting him In Real Life at www.hayleyquinn.com/reallife.