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Somehow, I got it into my head and soul in the past few years that I am not sexy or sexually desirable. The other day I started thinking about this and realizing that if I do not consider myself sexy how in the world is someone else supposed to? I am beautiful, cute, adorable, lovely. I have come to terms with those. However, I do not consider myself or feel sexy unless I am in a relationship, even one in which I am not having sex, just the knowledge that someone desires me. This is not an accomplishable goal when I not only don’t have anyone that likes me, but I am not even around men, like ever. Which means that it needs to come within.
The research begins. “How does one feel sexy?” “What do you do to feel sexy?” “What makes someone sexy?” Google bubbles and spits out useless tips, even though I may take them. So, I went to YouTube where one of my idols especially in the plus-size community; Sarah Rae Vargas, speaks about just this kind of thing. She suggested wearing sexy lingerie, clothing, heels, underwear, whatever makes you feel sexy in that way. She also suggested looking in the mirror and giving yourself a boost, a brag, a positive affirmation. Naked, clothed, pajamas, or in a dress. This, of course, is the hardest part because I feel like I’m lying to myself.
Other suggestions from the internet include:
- Drink a glass (or bottle) of wine
- Dance/cook/clean naked or in lingerie
- Have sex
- Do your hair/makeup
- Listen to sexy music
- Basically, do anything that makes you feel sexy at all
So, this morning feeling rather unsexy as usual I decided to take this advice, for the day. Here’s what I did, although I did feel silly and kind of dumb for it.
First, I started with a long shower. Can’t really feel sexual with hair that hasn’t been washed in days. During this long shower I reminded myself of all the people who have found me sexually attractive. I shaved…like everything, including things I didn’t really need to.
I laid in bed naked for a decent amount of time air drying and proceeded to cover myself in body butter from top to bottom, including places I didn’t really need to. I put on a little slip and some black lacy underwear I never wear. I moved in front of the full-length mirror and didn’t tear myself down. I didn’t pay attention to, point out, or fuss over the parts of me I feel are less than or even awful. Instead I told myself things I didn’t believe.
- “Looking good, boo!”
- “Damn I’d do you!”
- “Look at that booty!”
- “Wow those boobs are doing real well!”
- “Oh my gosh your legs!”
I closed the blinds and curtains that lead onto the street should my neighbors have heart attacks, put some black heals on and cooked myself breakfast. While I did this, I put on some music that made me feel sexy and dancy. Which turned out to be Spanish music. I never knew that Spanish music made me feel that way until I tried about four different genres of “sexy” music and found them all to be garbage. I danced and swayed around my kitchen in my tiny slip while making breakfast.
After breakfast I continued to do daily life just in my sexy clothes. I did some laundry, making sure to bend over a lot in my heels. I swept a bit and spun around the broom. I put things away all the time keeping the track going in my mind that “I am sexy” I put on some of Sarah’s videos talking about sex, did my makeup a little extra, paid a little more attention to my hair.
Then I touched myself. And it was good.
I picked out clothes that made me feel good, because wearing a tiny dress and heels doesn’t really work in winter so nice but warm it was.
Then I went out into the world, took a few selfies and generally felt a lot better. I flirted with the world today, which is also something I don’t really do. I stood up straighter, smiled more, and paid attention to how I walked and came across. I drank a glass of wine, ate yummy food and generally just felt a lot happier.
What I think I’m noticing is that it is a "fake it until you make it" mindset. It’s telling yourself, convincing your brain, that you are in fact “___” whatever that thing is. You’ll come across a lot more sexual if you’re thinking about it and thus acting like it. A lot more confident if you’re telling yourself wonderful things about who you are. I’m good at faking things like that. I faked joy for most of my life until one day, one week, one year I realized that I actually was joyful! Maybe the point is not even to be sexy but to be more aware of myself and what I am "putting out in the world."
So maybe from here on out I’ll just convince myself I’m sexy until one day I won’t need to because it’ll just be part of who I am. But for now, I’ll drink a glass of wine, cover myself in lotion, and prance around my house half naked.