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How to Date a Porn Star

A porn star shares an inside look at what it takes to date someone in the adult industry.

A porn star girlfriend is every man’s fantasy, am I right? Unfortunately, the fantasy may be a lot further away from reality then one might wish for. If you are that dude SO completely in love with the idea of a nymphomaniac goddess that looks exactly like her Jules Jordan scene 24/7, and does the house work in Agent Provocateur, stop. reading. now. Look away. This will hurt.

For those of you brave enough to continue reading, here is the horrifying truth: We are normal girls! Porn is a job and nothing more. We don’t have orgies with the entire crew after our scenes, we don’t wear clear heels and fishnet dresses out to dinner. Yes, we might be slightly numb to nudity and forget that it’s not ok to talk about anal in front of your grandparents, but for the most part, we are normal.

That being said, it takes a monumental human to be in a relationship with a porn star. The levels of understanding, patience, energy, and the complete lack of jealousy you need to possess to be with these creatures is colossal. So I’m going to cover some of the key things you should know if you ever happen to find yourself in the unicorn of situations that is "a relationship with a porn star."

No. I don’t want to have sex all the time.

I know, I know. I’m such a killjoy, right? I get to have sex all day at work and then I can come home to my boyfriend and bang his brains out all night, why stop there? I even masturbate in the taxi back from work to my house just so my vagina NEVER, ever gets a break and turns into some sort of black hole that penises just fall into and never return from. Wrong. I’m going to say the horrible thing that I know you guys don’t want to hear: Porn sex isn’t real. I mean, yes, it’s real in the physical sense that a penis enters a hole and an ejaculation is achieved, but for all intents and purposes, it’s acting. The noises, the facial expressions, the positions, its choreographed and clinical.

There is nothing sexy about a porn set and there is definitely nothing sexy about porn sex. I mean, it’s hard to truly be turned on when a dude with a camera is hovering over your face with sweat dripping from his brow and the director is barking things like "10 seconds more then change position" or "open up for the camera I can’t see the dick." Such a turn on. Being on set is like hanging out at any other photo or film shoot, except that everyone is totally immune to just how naked they are. Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent, shooting is physically and mentally exhausting, and after a long day on set, all I want to do is pull off these god damn eyelashes, throw on my onesie and put an ice pack on my private parts while I catch up on Game Of Thrones with a green tea and my dog. Are you aroused yet?

I’m a strong, independent, hard working woman that don’t need no man.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want one. Want and need are two very different things. If you want a girl that expects everything paid for and has a life that revolves entirely around you, and is home every night to greet you with a cooked meal when you get in, don’t date a porn star. Porn girls at the top of their game are some of the most hard working, business savvy, independent women I have ever seen. After spending years traveling the world, living in hotels and model houses, meeting new people every day, and, on most occasions, fucking them, it's hard not to become independent. You have to learn to be able to take care of yourself in situations you wouldn’t always expect to be in. I love my relationship because my other half is just that, my other half. Equal. We split bills, we split chores, we help each other out, we buy each other gifts, everything is a balance, an equal partnership. I am not that girl that needs a man to carry her. To some men it can be incredibly intimidating to have a woman that earns as much as them, works as hard as them, and is as powerful as them. Learn to embrace it. A powerful woman is a wonderful thing.

I may be powerful and independent, but I am more insecure than all of your exes put together.

Yup. I’m sorry dude but thats how they make us. Yes, we portray the sexually confident, beautiful nymph queen on the screen, we wear outfits most women wouldn’t even dream of wearing, we put ourselves and our bodies on show for the entire world to see. You have to be pretty self confident to do that right? Yes, or just a bit fucking crazy.

Remember that our livelihood relies on our body and our looks. I can’t even begin to explain the heart sinking feeling when you turn up to set and the girl you’re working with is undeniably in better shape than you. Or the overwhelming self loathing that occurs when you feel jealousy burning a hole in your chest, wondering why all your friends are booked for the same movie and you’re not.

The crippling anxiety and tremendous pressure that come hand in hand with doing porn would turn anyone insane. I can’t help but chuckle when people insinuate it’s a copout career and a job for the lazy girls. Maybe some girls get into it because they want to make a bit of cash in a short amount of time, but to be a career girl, to be top of your game, this industry knows how to make you work, and after you work that hard it can be soul destroying to see younger, prettier, thinner girls booked instead of you.

There are days I don’t even want to get out of bed, days I have gone to set feeling bloated, or sick, and once that movie is released, anonymous internet trolls have torn it to shreds on Twitter, forgetting that I’m a human and that reading about how "she looks like shit here, she’s not as good as she was" is actually incredibly hurtful. To say you need a thick skin to be in the adult industry is an understatement, and boy you better have an even thicker one to date us.

Just because I do porn doesn’t mean I’m ok with you having multiple girls on the side.

This one speaks for itself really. My job is my job, it’s not an invitation for you to have an orgy with your side chicks while you FaceTime me. Common sense, people. 

Don’t EVER ask me to quit my job for you.

For me this is the most important point on the list. If you knew what my deal was going into things then you have no right to judge me. Actually, even if you didn’t know, you still have no right to judge me. I understand that it's hard to separate this kind of work from reality but if you want to date a porn girl, you better start separating.

Throughout my time in the industry I have dated on and off, performers and non-performers. For me, dating within the industry was a no go from the start, I don’t like to "shit where I eat," so to speak, and there is nothing more awkward than turning up on set and finding out you’ve been booked with your ex. That being said, I do adore porn's power couples: Mick Blue and Anikka Albrite, Danny Mountain and Mia Malkova, Mark Wood and Francesca Le, Asa Akira and Toni Ribas etc. They make it work and it’s magic.

However, dating civilians also proved to be a no go for me, I constantly ran into two types of guys.

  1. The Nice Guy: This guy is very sweet, and very nice and wants to "save" me. From what, I am never truly sure. The career I chose? The house in London I bought? Being my own boss? These guys will tell a girl they are "too good for porn" and then offer to "look after" them. In layman’s terms, this is their way of suggesting that we quit porn so they are the only dude we are banging, and in exchange they will pay for everything for us, but in effect "own" us. I know it comes from a heartfelt place, but it’s selfish. I don’t want to be owned, or looked after, or have to ask for pocket money when I want to go out for dinner with my girlfriends, like I’m a thirteen year old asking my daddy for money for the latest thing the girls at school have. No thanks. I’ll take my independence over a man any day of the week, and if that intimidates you, don’t ever try dating a porn star.
  2. The Misogynist: So we all know why this guy wants to date a porn star. She’s a trophy, a sexual trophy. Something pretty to have on his arm and to brag about to his friends. He doesn’t really care if she gets railed on the daily because he doesn’t really care about her as a person, his interest is sex, and how many threesomes he can get out of her. He thinks that just because a girl does porn, this automatically makes her a braindead slut that is only good for one thing. There is no use trying to be in a proper relationship with this guy. He will never be in a proper relationship, if ever he does lock down a girl, he will probably cheat on her.

Dating can be a pain.

So as you can see, dating for a girl in porn can be a tremendous pain the backside. A lot of us maintain a single status and marry our career. That is exactly what I did. When I met my partner I was dead set on nothing happening. He seemed lovely, sweet, funny, and physically ticked every box I could possibly have wished for. We fell into each other's lives with ease largely because neither of us were looking to be in a relationship. There was nothing false or forced about our courtship. It was like good friends getting to know each other and then having epic sex.

Recently, I scaled back my performing levels and decided to work on other things: writing, music, acting, and yoga therapy. I have always planned on doing this and the time was right for me, but a lot people thought it was because of my relationship. Let’s get one thing straight, I would never let a man dictate whether I do something with my life. I love my independence more than anything. I have ended things with numerous guys, simply for hinting they wanted me to quit. He has never and would never ask me to stop.

My relationship works because we have mutual respect and admiration for each other, we both travel a large amount of the time, and we both work in entertainment, which makes understanding each others lifestyles a lot easier. Time spent together is cherished because it’s not as often as if we did a 9-5 and had the weekends off.

I could not ask for anything better. I never feel pressured, I feel supported in every decision and everything I do. I feel free, but I feel it with someone incredible by my side. If you want to date a porn girl you better be that someone incredible, because we won’t stand for anything less.

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