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As a former adult actress, I am more than familiar with sex. I am also familiar with those that deem sex as some sort of demonisation of the body and mind. When thinking about sex and all the wonderful things that come with it, it is important to remember that every single person in the world is different; therefore we can expect peoples views on sex to differ.
Humans are a strange species. We are the only animal that has sex for pleasure rather than to simply reproduce, but if we come down to it, whether you are having sex to create life or simply to get your rocks off with a complete stranger, the reason we are put on planet earth is to have sex, to repopulate the human race. That is why it is so important to have a healthy and positive attitude toward sex.
I respect everyone's sexual appetite, whether it is your religion to wait until marriage and share yourself only with one person, or if your version of sex includes being peed on by five Russian models. Whether you want ten kids or none at all. Whether you are LGBTQ+ or completely asexual. Like I said, everyone is different.
When I was younger, I wasn’t sure what I liked. My first sexual experience was with a girl, in a tent in her garden. I lost my virginity in a threesome backstage at a concert, and my first boyfriend used to film me… so my introduction to sex was not exactly "the norm." Maybe that is why porn seemed like a natural and normal progression for me. During my career I lived out every fantasy and thought I had ever had. I tried and performed pretty much every fetish (there were a few exceptions); some I loved (anal, rough sex and submission, public places, pee…. who knew), some I just could never grasp (balloons, feet… ) BUT I tried and accepted all of them. I got into the role, I asked questions, I wanted to understand the fetishes and acts I was performing. On a much smaller scale, the same should be applied to your own personal sexual journey. Here are some key tools to help you get more sex positive. Whether you are single or in a relationship, these four points are important for anyone that is sexually active.
Communication is SO important. After all, if you don’t communicate, how will your lover know what you like… and more to the point, what you don’t. Whether it’s a one night hook up or a long-term relationship, tell the other person what you like, say "NO" if its not for you. Say "NO" as much as you like. It’s ok, it’s your body,. No one should ever be pressured into something they don’t want to do because they are scared, want to look cool, want to impress someone, feel uncomfortable…. I’ve been there and I know it’s not as easy as just saying "No" sometimes. When I was younger I was in a situation where someone would not take no for an answer. I really didn’t want to. I hardly knew the guy, I ended up begrudgingly giving in, and I have literally regretted it ever since; that was 13 years ago. I’ve done a few things in my personal life I really didn’t want to do simply because I didn’t know how to say "no." I didn’t want to seem frigid or a prude, I was young, I was stupid, and I was scared.
Communication doesn't have to be reserved for your sexual partner; get used to talking about sex. Sex is NATURAL AND NORMAL, I talk about sex with my girlfriends all the time. I ask "hey, has this ever happened to you?" They tell me about their sexual escapades, we discuss, we share, we learn, and we laugh. It's great to be comfortable and open about something that is such an important part of our lives.
Communication is the key component for a happy and healthy sex life. Say "No" if you need to, or tell them what you like and never stop saying, "yes… yes… YES."
Much like the above, Respect and communication go hand in hand. Your partner said no? That’s cool, let’s try something else, let’s wait, let’s do it another time. No rush, no pressure, I respect your boundaries. You don’t like that? OK. Let’s stop.
And on the other end of the scale: Woah, that’s what you’re into? Ok, I respect that… Let’s try it/I’m not really into that.
It is also important to listen and respect each other's views on contraception. She wants you wear a condom but you don’t like it? Tell her why and let her tell you why it is important for you to rubber up—if you hardly know each other the condom is a healthy precaution, if you are in a relationship, discuss ways you can get around it, both get tested, discuss other contraception methods. As a woman, I think it’s incredibly unfair that contraception methods are usually put down to us putting tons of hormones and chemicals into our bodies. My partner knows my views on this and knows I would never go on any sort of hormonal contraception. He respects that about me.
Accepting other people's views and desires when its comes to sex is part of growing and accepting your own sexuality. If you have feelings and thoughts you deem to be unnatural, just know, they aren't... Different people express themselves sexually in different ways, Just because you aren't into boy/girl missionary, vaginal sex does not make you "abnormal." Accept what you're into and go with it, good for you! Accept what your partner is into, maybe its not for you but listen, accept and respect.
Accepting your own sexuality rather than compressing it and ignoring it will make you a much happier person both sexually and in your day to day life!
This, for me, is one of the most important and FUN things you can do. Try EVERYTHING, try different places, positions, outfits, try adding an extra person to the bedroom? (side note: definitely not for everyone) Try anal, oral, bondage, food, massage oil.... try it! Enjoy your sexual journey. One of my best friends in the world, Dani Daniels, once said of her porn career "I'm just documenting my sexual journey" and I could not have put it better myself. What a wonderful way of looking at it. Let your sexual journey be full of (good) surprises; you won't love everything but try it, even just the once.
This is probably obvious, but you should ENJOY sex. Sex is great, sex is beautiful. Sex releases endorphins that make us feel happy, sex relieves stress, sex makes babies, sex feels great, sex brings us closer. Enjoying sex helps us have a healthier and more positive view of it, as long as we remember to communicate with, respect, and accept our partners.