How to Be a Middle Ground Femdom

For so long, with encouragement from my partner, I tried to ramp up my kinkiness in the bedroom to better incorporate more BDSM and dominance on my part. Time and time again my own conscience would make me hold back. Am I going too far? Is he even enjoying this? Is this weird or…? I trawled through the internet trying to find tips on how to be more dominant and what I found I could not relate to. These women who wrote about their dominant experiences had their man in a chastity cage 24/7 and were often very controlling in many aspects that I couldn’t comprehend, but totally respected their commitment.

I was out of my depth. I determined I didn’t have what it took to dominate. So I came up with a new type of dominance, “middle ground dominance.”

Being "middle ground" means you don’t go full hog on making your partner your slave and forcing them to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing (even if they do). But it also means you aren’t completely vanilla in the bedroom. I have seen some people online describe it as gentle dominance, but I see it as being more of a middle between the sex I usually have and the sex that is described as femdom or BDSM. Many dominant women tend to keep their man under their control 24/7, which I imagine can be very intense and pleasing, but for me, I just wanted to be dominating every now and then when I felt like it.

Here are my top tips for how to be dominant and enjoy it, even if you are a bit shy about it:

1. Don’t be afraid to use toys.

It is best to keep your toys together in a box and then when it comes to being dominant you can have them all out in front of you. Seeing these toys can awaken your imagination, and you can see all the weapons you have at your disposal.

2. Use specific BDSM toys.

I’m talking restraints, blindfolds, gags, and so on. One really good toy to use is a chastity cage which you can have the key for. Plan in advance and make him wear the cage while you are both out and find ways to tease him. It will drive him mad! Blindfolds are great for during sex if you are not quite sure how to dominate yet. If the blindfold is on him, he can’t see you while you think through your next move and he will be waiting in anticipation for what you do next.

3. Assert yourself.

The chastity cage is a great way to do this because when he is wearing it you have full control over whether or not he can cum. You don’t need to say anything. Just be your sexy little self and you choose what happens.

4. Make him address you as ‘mistress’.

Hearing him say “yes mistress” to your requests will give you a whole new level of confidence. At first, it may sound weird, but you will begin to enjoy this new sense of power. Equally, tell him to use your name in sex as that can be a massive turn on for both of you and it can increase the intimacy.

5. Wear something sexy that you feel good in.

It seems every week I treat myself to a new piece of lingerie in the hopes it pleases my partner. But every time, I realize it isn’t just for him, it's for me. Lingerie I would suggest include bodystockings and corset style bras with suspenders and tights. I would also suggest wearing a pair of heels to make yourself taller and improve your posture. They can also change your mood.

6. Don’t afraid to go in his backdoors.

Most men secretly love a little bit of anal, but most are afraid to ask for it. Don’t be too shy to ask him if it’s something he may be interested in, and then if he says yes, educate yourself about what it is you have to do. I would suggest starting small, a finger or two, but you can build up to toys if it is something he enjoys. Anal is also quite low effort but it can have an insane effect on men. Why not incorporate a chastity cage for some next level fun? ALWAYS REMEMBER TO USE LUBE AND A LOT OF IT.

7. You choose when he finishes.

As the mistress, what you say goes. You choose what you do, what he does, and when he finishes. Edge him until he is begging for you to let him finish. This is quite an important part of being dominant and can be quite effective. We naturally want to take pleasure from sex, and some of the most pleasure comes when a person cums. Being able to decide whether or not he is allowed to cum really proves you are in control.

8. Get your pleasure in, too.

Your partner will get a real kick out of you being dominant if it’s something they want. But don’t forget that sex is all about equal pleasure, and that shouldn’t change while you are being dominant. Do what makes you feel good and what will make you climax, and do it in a dominant way. Sitting on your partner’s face or riding your partner are great ways to be dominant.

9. Try something new.

Perhaps you could surprise your partner with a new toy, position, or outfit (etc). By surprising them with this, they will feel as though you are getting more confident being dominant and they will be happy to see you suggesting new things.

10. Communication

Like with all things in a relationship, communication is so, so important. During sex, you should have a safe word for if it becomes too much, and as you develop your character in dominance, don’t be afraid to ask your partner if it is working for them too. You will find as you become more confident you will remember what it is they like and you will try new things based on this. You should also communicate after sex and talk about your experience, what worked and what didn’t. This will also give you more confidence as your partner will likely give you some positive feedback, and some constructive criticism (which never hurts when learning a new skill).. And never feel discouraged. If you or your partner feel disappointed by the experience, do not let it manifest in a negative way. Talk about it and learn from it. Sex is a journey.

At the end of the day, you do you. Learn advice from these tips, and then learn from yourself, your body, and your experiences.

Enjoy.