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A bad Dom is a serious danger to anyone who engages in play with. For this reason, if there's one thing I hate seeing in the BDSM community, it's a bad Dom.
Two main things make a person a bad Dom: a lack of education and a lack of empathy. One cause is fixable, the other isn't.
A lack of empathy suggests that the person in question acts as a predator and is looking to harm victims using BDSM as an excuse to write off their behavior. While you can protect yourself from these people by knowing the signs of a fake Dom, you can't fix a person who actively seeks out to cause suffering in partners.
A lack of education, on the other hand, suggests that a Dom wants to keep partners happy but just doesn't know where to begin. No education in BDSM can lead to both unintended physical and emotional suffering in submissives.
Recently, the term "Daddy Dom" has become way more popular among newbies. For those who aren't up to date on the BDSM terms you need to know, Daddies are males (or non-binary people) who usually love the idea of combining age-related roleplay with BDSM relationships.
Relationships that involve Daddies also will have a "little" submissive who acts like a younger, more playful submissive. Generally, this tends to translate into a Daddy/little girl relationship—also abbreviated as DD/lg.
Though rare to see, not all Daddies tend to have ageplay involved in their BDSM scenes. At times, they also may just like the idea of having a more paternal streak with their BDSM. Either way, there's a lot of positivity to be gained from being a Daddy to a little.
As a Dom myself, I understand the desire to learn the ropes and earn the title of "Daddy" from your sub. It's a great feeling to know that your domination makes your little happy. It's also a gentler, more cuddly side to what is often a very intimidating side of BDSM.
But, where do you begin? How do you keep things safe? Speaking as a person who's been there and learned how to make things work in a BDSM relationship, here's the advice that I'll give you.
Pick your submissive carefully.
Believe it or not, submissives aren't the only people who can get hurt in a BDSM relationship. Doms actually can find themselves in serious trouble if they don't know how to find the right partner to dominate.
Before you try any BDSM scenes, make sure that the person or people you want to partner with understands the basics. At the very least, you need to make sure your partner understands the following:
- Consent. A smart submissive will always be willing to say no. They will also understand the importance of establishing safe words. Thinking that they do not have a right to say no is a sign that they will not be able to handle a BDSM relationship.
- Safe Sex Practices. Safety is your number one concern here. Your submissive should be willing (and even insist) on regular doctor checkups, condom use, and safe sex toy use. This is not negotiable.
- Relationship Boundaries. A DD/lg relationship is not like other relationships. You might not be exclusive, and you might not even see each other outside of the scope of BDSM. Does your partner understand this? If they do, are they honest about being okay with it?
- Proper Communication. I honestly believe you can't have safe, sane, and consensual sex without being good at communicating. If your potential submissive's idea of saying they're not comfortable with something you're doing is pouting, you need a new sub.
In a nutshell, you need to make sure that that the person in question is capable of having a mature, adult, and communication-based relationship. If they aren't capable of that, trying to dominate them will turn out badly for both of you—and could even land you with false abuse accusations.
Before you do anything, have The Talk and get things down on paper.
Everyone who's a veteran of the BDSM world understands what I mean when I say you need to have The Talk. Every BDSM couple, be it a Daddy/little relationship or otherwise, needs to do this before they can safely partake in BDSM.
The Talk is that one initial sitdown where you and your sub talk abut your BDSM goals, preferences, limits, and set up agreements on what the relationship should be. It's also a discussion where you talk about birth control, set up safe words, and establish how to handle aftercare.
Most professional Doms insist on getting this written up in a domination contract. They also will refuse to work with any submissive who claims they have no boundaries, simply because it's a massive red flag about their maturity.
Honestly, I agree with this practice, even if it feels a little lawyer-y. By taking out any guesswork when it comes to problems that you can face, you take out risks for both you and your partner.
To be a good Daddy Dom, you need to be educated about BDSM.
If you think that you can just become a decent Dom overnight, you're wrong. It takes a while to learn the ropes as a Dom. The more education you have on the subject, the better a lover you can be.
This means that if you want to be a good Daddy or Mommy, you will need to read up on BDSM practices, safety, and the type of fantasies littles tend to get. At the very least, reading about basic BDSM terms can prove to be incredibly useful.
Personally, I suggest starting off with Tristan Taormino's Ultimate Guide to Kink. This gives a great amount of information and also explains the dynamics of a DD/lg relationship.
Avoid full lifestyle play.
Lifestyle play, in case you didn't know, is the act of playing the role of Daddy with your submissive 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Some people can do this without issue, but the truth is that the vast majority of BDSM practitioners cannot.
The problem with lifestyle play, particularly if you're a Daddy Dom, is that your little can easily get stuck on "submissive mode." This sounds okay, until you realize that it can infantilize them and cause them to slowly adapt more immature behavior.
Being infantilized without stop will have some psychological ramifications—even if your sub is normally very empowered. They may forget they're adults capable of handling themselves if you treat them like a child for too long.
You and your partner need to hang out as adults once in a while, or at the very least, have mature discussions about adult topics. Otherwise, it can and will mess with your submissive's head.
Take a break once in a while, even if it's only for a day or two out of the week. You'll be amazed at what a difference that can make.
Remember what makes a Daddy Dom attractive to a little.
Dominants tend to be admired for their emotional strength, their imposing appearance, and their ability to take control of a situation. This is true of just about every type of Dom out there. However, Daddy Doms are a different breed than most.
Daddy Doms, in particular, are also known for being nurturing and supportive of their littles. They are often loved for being guides and mentors, especially when it comes to sex and BDSM. Littles love to be cared for, much more so than typical subs and slaves do.
If you want to get your little turned on, bring out your paternal side when you're dominating them. Show that you're a leader, and your little will melt.
Cultivate your little's headspace.
In many BDSM relationships, particularly those with a psychological bend like Daddy play, it's important to cultivate the right mood and headspace for your submissive. Most littles will have a certain age range they tend to enjoy regressing to when they are playing with their Daddies.
During The Talk, you should ask your little what age they like to be during scenes. A good Daddy Dom will then make an effort to cultivate the comforting headspace littles like to enjoy.
Make an effort to show your little that they can be little around you. Things like buying them cute "little girl" or "little boy" outfits can do wonders for them.
It's important to remember that part of being a Daddy to a little is nonsexual, too. Doing things like taking them to the zoo, watching Disney movies, or even buying them stuffed animals can help them cultivate the "little space" they want to be in.
Don't forget there's a sexual element in most cases, too.
Being a Daddy Dom means that you will have to be a dominant—and that means you may have to punish a bratty little! How you choose to punish your misbehaving little will depend on your own particular kinks and your own agreements.
In terms of sexual stuff, the best way to be a great Daddy is to practice kinks that are safe, sane, and consensual. If you don't know how to tie the right knots or spank your partner correctly, watching educational videos or signing up for a kink class can help you get more training.
This is a gentler side to BDSM. Act like it.
BDSM can often be pretty intense and scary. It can feel dangerous or just look terrifying. It's easy to see why a lot of people are terrified of BDSM, especially when it comes to typical bondage stuff.
Most DD/lg kink scenes are not like that at all. In fact, it's often one of the gentlest sides of kink out there. As a Daddy, you should maintain a heavy emphasis on bringing out the best in your little and keeping your little healthy and happy.
Things like having rules about eating healthy, having a bathtime ritual, or even just cuddling your little after a hard day can make a world of difference.
Speaking of which, it's a good idea to come up with rules to abide by.
Though you'd never guess it, littles actually love rules. They want to be able to do what Daddy tells them to do—and they can't do that if Daddy never tells them to do anything!
Simple rules that are kinky but cute are best, but you should also add in a couple of rules that are just purely beneficial for your little. They add structure to your playtime and also help your little relax.
Coming up with rules can be difficult if you've never been a Daddy Dom before. Not sure where to start? Here are some good suggestion rules to get your mind going:
- Always sleep naked next to Daddy.
- No more than two sweet snacks a day.
- No cussing at Daddy.
- Always communicate with Daddy.
- Clean up after yourself, and keep your toys clean.
When disciplining your little, don't be afraid to use classic parenting phrases.
When you were younger, you might have heard parents bark certain phrases at you. "Watch it, kiddo," or "Right now, missy!" or “Just wait ’til I get home young lady. You are in big trouble," were some of the more popular ones you might remember.
Believe it or not, in the world of DD/lg kink, these kinds of phrases can excite your little. In fact, they can add some serious fun to punishment sessions. Go ahead and spank your little after warning her. She'll love it!
After punishing your little, practice aftercare.
Though it's definitely a gentler and happier side of kink, being a Daddy Dom can and will have moments where you will have to "punish" your little one. Like with any other BDSM scene, this means that you will have to give special care to make sure your little is alright after she's been naughty.
Every little's aftercare ritual will be a little different after experiencing dominance and submission. Sometimes, just cuddling her and telling her she's a good girl is enough. Other times, you may need to run her a bath and ask her how she feels.
No matter what, just make sure that the aftercare you give her is enough to make her feel like your little princess... because she totally is.