How BDSM Helped Me

BDSM, Not Just about Sex and Rough Play

Picture found on unsplashed.com by: Gaelle Marcel 

I had mentioned in my blog We are Survivors, NOT Broken about BDSM. I figured now would be a good time to explain how they have helped me and became more than just a community of kinky people.

I had known about the BDSM community for a while before I was raped, but what I did not know was how kind and welcoming the people could be. It was December of 2013 when I decided I would go check out a local munch; they are get-togethers created by the community leaders or house owners that throw parties. After only going to one munch I was invited to a party; now I have never been to such a party, and I was culturally shocked like you would be by seeing Rome or another country for the first time. I had been warned just to watch my surroundings and to leave if I felt uncomfortable by my mother who has also known about BDSM but for much longer then I had. After my mother telling me just to be careful, I went to this house party, and the shock was more then I could explain. It's like throwing a sheltered child into a place that does not care if you walk around naked, this was that kind of shock.

The first party is the most awkward as you have no idea where to look or if you are going to offend someone. I had been told by the house owner if I was not comfortable I did not have to go to the basement as it was my first party and she could tell that I was a bit uneasy. I sat in the safe place; this is what I call the house owners living room. For anyone who is new and not yet brave enough to go to the Dungeon area for a while, I had a few people talk to me and to tell me being uneasy is okay and that I was in no danger, no one was going to touch me without MY permission. Hearing that made me relax a bit and feel more comfortable around the countless people and some of them dressed as the theme of the party which was Flip the Switch; this is where Dominants switch to being a Submissive for the night and vice versa.

Once I got brave, I headed to the basement. I wanted to see what was going on and by halfway through, I was comfortable with knowing my voice did matter. The basement only shocks you more. I had not fully understood what was going on until heading down; now done, here tons of things are going on in a safe manner. When we here BDSM, we don't always think Safe as one of the feelings you get. Looking around at all of the scenes, they are groups of two or more either with fire or they are doing something else that fits who they are. My first scene was fire. Now going into this I had been scared to death that someone would hurt me. I had been raped, I did not trust anyone. That is what I thought at least, but when you do something that can put your life in danger, you better believe that person at least keeps you safe. I trusted a man who was playing with fire, and he had given me a small sample of what he was doing on my forearm with hair mousse. It was not too bad, it was like a warm massage, nothing too scary minus the fire that was also on me, but that seemed okay and did not bother me. However, learning I had to take my top off and bra to be set on fire scared me a bit. After thinking about it, I just covered my chest so no one could see. This made a few people chuckle, but not out of being mean, it was more of they found it cute and respectful. After getting on the table, I had a woman come up beside me. I was surprised by some people who watched, and I was okay with that since no one could see my chest anyways. Getting up was a challenge, however, females covered me when they realized I was not comfortable showing my body to anyone.

The first party was a change for me. I found confidence and I found my voice in a new way. I also learned a bit about myself and about a local community. During New Years, I made my choice that the CO Springs BDSM community was going to be my safe place. Becoming part of the BDSM community was my resolution to myself, so I did not become a hermit as I had wanted to. During the New Years event held by the BDSM community, I met more people and learned that a few of them went through similar things as I had, knowing I was not alone in my struggle made me feel a lot less broken and damaged.

As time went, I became a regular to House D which was the name of the private home that threw the kink party that I had gone to the first time. Spending more time with the people of the house and those who went there regularly for parties I not only learned about myself but I also learned about them and became much closer to them. Once you trust someone with a scene you learn to trust them in a far more profound way then you think. My safe place became House D. I knew I was safe here, no one touched me without my permission and if I looked scared someone came and talked to me and helped me understand what was going on and if there was a scene that could trigger someone they made a call out for people to go upstairs. The amount of safety is high, the amount of respect is above average and the way everyone stops what they are doing when the code word for stop is said is fantastic. If the word RED is called, the scene is meant to stop no matter what is going on. We had someone call RED, and every Dom in the room stopped there own scene to make sure the Dom of the scene who just said RED was listening. If you did not stop when RED was called you were told you could not play anymore that night as you ignored the safety word and could not be trusted to listen.

After almost a year of me being apart of this community, I had one person not do what they were meant to as my top. A top is a person who is either setting you on fire or doing something else you are the bottom unless roles are reversed, and you're the one doing the scene to another. Your job as a top is to make sure once the scene is done that the person you're topping gets water and is sat down, so they don't fall. Safety was not on this guy's mind, and this kind of thing happened twice. This last time was the moment he was flagged from House D, preventing him from doing anything fire related again. He not only hurt me and ignored my negotiation terms (this is when you tell them what you want and what you don't want to happen, and the top is meant to listen), when my scene was over, I had to figure out how to put my top back on and get off the table. Being in a zone of space means you are kind of drunk but only in a much more natural kind of way. One of our people had seen me stumble off the table and almost into a wall. He grabbed me quickly, passed me off to the closest person I trusted and walked off. The person I had been passed off to sat me down got me water and made sure I had my aftercare things and went and grabbed a female to sit with me. At this point of being around the community and around people in House D, they learned I am sometimes triggered by men. So being passed off to another male, he figured a woman would be better as I have almost hit someone for flopping down next to me after coming out of a scene.

Safety is high after my top not listening and leaving me. He was banned from fire play at House D. The house owner was angry that someone got hurt and could have been in more danger by them not being cared for properly. The BDSM community helped me in so many ways that I am grateful that I chose to go out.

My next post will explain a bit more about the terms I used here in this blog, keep a lookout for more blogs about life and personal experiences. 

Aindrea Mccoy
Aindrea Mccoy

I am studying to be a game developer, my goal is to one day turn the books I have been writing into a video game. With that aside, I do love to write and get out what I am thinking or feeling hoping that maybe it helps someone else. 

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How BDSM Helped Me