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First of all, if you struggle, you're not alone.
If you have struggled to reach an orgasm, or even achieve it at all, you might have felt embarrassed or ashamed. You might have felt that out of all your friends, you were the odd one out. That if you were doing it right, it would come easy (couldn't help myself). That it should really happen every time. There must be something wrong with you.
Let me affirm first. That is ABSOLUTELY NOT true. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are NOT alone. Many women struggle. And even to find the right advice. As one of them, I present to you the hacks I've learnt over the course of a sky-high libido. And though I write this from the perspective of a straight girl, many of these tips would apply for women of any persuasion. But first, there's another big myth we need to debunk.
The Penetration Myth
Movies and romantic novels make it out that after a little while, with the woman squirming under her man, she magically orgasms. No, even better, they magically orgasm together at the same time. Even porn propagates this false idea. That the right dick stuck in and out of almost any vagina creates euphoria like magic. FALSE.
This myth is harmful to both men and women. Men assume that if they can't make a woman cum through penetration alone, that they're less of a man. That they're a useless lover. Or conversely, that there's something wrong with a woman. And so, the woman equally feels that she hasn't performed, she's made the man feel bad, she's a difficult, terrible lover.
The truth? 75 percent of women never reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone. Yes, that's right. The vast majority of women don't. Cumming from penetration is, in fact, the exception—not the rule.
But now, of course, the fun part. The hacks to reach that orgasm full stop. Even during penetration...
Masturbation to Reach That Destination
This seems like the most simple tip because it probably is. Masturbation is another thing that people (women especially) seem scared to do. It's considered dirty and taboo, but it's the healthiest way to figure out what gets you going.
Spend some time with yourself to figure out what feels good. What manages to get you there. Touch yourself and get well-acquainted with your clit. You will recognise which feelings lead to the orgasm and learn to follow them. Which brings me on to my next point.
Don't forget the foreplay.
Foreplay is an area that is often neglected. In film, porn, and life. But particularly for women, it is crucial when it comes to reaching that climax.
Spend time on kissing, remaining clothed, and simply on touching each other. I count all of this as foreplay, and what's crucial is creating a build up. Build up is what's so important here. The more you can elongate the build up, the more you climb the mountain to that climax, instead of rolling over a shallow hill. It's what gets you wet and makes the blood flow to your clitoris, making it far more sensitive. It also relaxes your mind.
When it comes to the oral or manual part of foreplay, don't be afraid to guide your lover to what you know has made you feel good in masturbation. Be confident. He'll appreciate that. Every man (or woman) wants to know they've satisfied their partner. Experiment and keep pace, when it does feel good.
Quick tip: When my partner is going down on me, we have developed a signal. I tap him on the shoulder a few times rapidly when I'm close to orgasm, signalling him to keep doing what he's doing at a faster pace. I don't disrupt the flow by trying to tell him (he won't hear you very well with thighs pressed to his ears) and save myself any embarrassment.
Porn is usually classed as the enemy of the orgasm, desensitising you to the kinds of images and scenarios that ordinarily would turn you on. There are some who develop addictions, others who develop erectile dysfunction. Some who keep seeking increasingly kinky or extreme situations to reach orgasm, which often cannot be achieved in real life, and thus rely on it to orgasm.
It's good to approach porn aware of this and the fact that it is not a realistic depiction. But for me, it's the reason I discovered my first ever orgasm at 20 years old.
Porn had always been a point of shame. Much like masturbation once had been. It was dirty, degrading, and unnecessary. Apparently. Up until the point of watching porn for the first time, I thought I'd been having an orgasm every time I had sex. Man, was I wrong. I felt really good, yes, but that's not the same as an orgasm. If you have to say, "I think I did," you really didn't.
Particularly for women. Orgasm is highly psychological. A woman with very little sexual experience is unlikely to know what actually turns her on. For me, I realised what images turned me on. In such a heightened and graphic way that in touching myself I came to the "tickly feeling." In following that feeling in what I focused on and how I touched myself, I finally experienced that climax of feeling. There's nothing wrong with using porn as a path to experimentation to see what feels good. As long as you don't start relying on it.
Imagination: It's not shameful.
Much related to the point of porn is imagination and visualisation. Orgasm every time, remember? Not everyone can orgasm from manual stimulation alone—just the physical feeling of it. As my own specific hack, I realised through porn that if I kept specific images of my lover in my mind or imagined we were in a certain scenario, it heightened my arousal and allowed me to reach "that tickly feeling," and thus the orgasm where otherwise I wouldn't have had one.
This is nothing to be ashamed with and nothing to do with the love you have for your partner. Certainly though, I must say, it's also a lifesaver when "having fun" and sleeping with someone you don't love. Or even someone who's personality you find very attractive, but physically do not.
Remember we're talking about getting an orgasm every time. Everyone deserves their happy ending. There is zero shame in introducing toys into the bedroom. It can spice things up and bring the pleasure of sex with a partner soaring up to new heights.
When used in conjunction with sex, it can guarantee you that orgasm, particularly and magically when used DURING penetration. Both sides always deserve to get an orgasm, no matter the method. Men can have a lot of ego issues about this. It's important for them to understand that this is a tool to heighten, not due to any incapability on their part. Again, if it's just a "fun tryst," who cares what they think? You've got to prioritise yourself, girl.
One great position used in conjunction with a vibrator is doggy, of course, as it leaves your hands free and clit raised. Another is missionary, whereby the male is seated and your feet are posed on his hips and your hip raised.
But be creative with it. Build your confidence and have fun. I'd say a rabbit style toy like this one is great for this purpose, as the head gives great stimulation to the clitoris whilst moving. If you want an orgasm during anal, it can also be placed inside.
You don't need to break the bank though for this purpose. Something cheaper and smaller—but still effective though not as powerful—is the smaller bullet vibrators out there such as this one, which I would highly recommend, or these ones that are quite fun, colourful, and convenient.
Love can do the trick.
I had a friend who was one of the lucky ladies who was able to orgasm from penetration. But here's the interesting bit. She explained to me that she was only able to when she fell in love with her boyfriend. That was the unconscious, psychological security she needed to relax and release her orgasm.
For those of you who fear, in part, that love and a happy relationship can turn making love into a dull chore, with reaching an orgasm becoming more difficult, sometimes it can be in fact the key to more pleasure and your sexual happy-ever-after.
One Main Partner to Give You a Hand
Naturally connected to this is the fact that whether you're looking for love or not—and something serious or not—one main partner can be the key to success.
One partner will get to know you and your body, your turn-ons and your turn-offs. This can be the key to getting you there and getting you there faster. One partner is also going to be as invested in your pleasure as you are in theirs. It needs to be about mutual devotion to each other's pleasure. If you're invested because you know this will continue, you're more likely to make an effort, whether the man or the woman.
Just make sure it's not one-sided; that kind of partnership is a waste of time.
Don't put pressure on yourself.
Sometimes we get so focused and stressed about reaching the orgasm that we effectively shoot ourselves in the foot and stop it from happening. Stress is not an aphrodisiac. Don't put pressure on your partner to orgasm either.
My pet hate is someone saying, "cum for me baby, come on." There's no way it's happening now, and when it doesn't, I feel guilty. Remember that sex is meant to be fun. It's supposed to be a rollercoaster ride, not just a car trip to a specific destination. You can get your orgasm every time.
But don't forget to have fun along the way.