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Fragments of a Transwoman

Are you transgender if you wish you were born a girl?

I feel it again. Can't concentrate, incessantly aroused — it's coming on stronger this time.

Couldn't sleep last night. Tossing and turning. Too humid. Terrified of having the dream — knowing I'd like it too much — I can't lose control. 

*Seasons*

What do I make of this? I try to fight it — to deny it — but each resurgence grows... blossoms... No. I won't. I can't.

But it just feels so good. So right — like a part of me is aching, crying out, trying to realise itself. Every breath fills me with euphoria. Happiness. Love.

–Fuck.

*Seasons*

Confusion. Regret. I need to make sense of this — need to get my head straight. Could I really have been making this all up? Lying to myself, hanging on every word... No — I just don't see it — something is going on with me.

*Hesitation, denial, desperation*

Time to face this. 

Fractured: "Are you transgender if you wish you were born a girl? Seen so many conflicting opinions, just looking for more!"

[–]Anon1: "If you want to be a girl, be a girl."

[–]Anon2: "Holy fucking shitsicles you are a God. I am mindfucked at how simplified you just made everything about my existence."

[–]Anon3: "Give some oestrogen to the girl who is asking this question please."

Fractured: "Aww, you'll make me blush! I never really thought about it like that before. Intriguing."

[–]Anon1: "Your response to being called a girl seems like a pretty good indicator of whether you are/might be trans.

Also to answer your title question, it is something a lot of trans women have wished desperately for. It's not like, a 100% sign of being trans, but it is a pretty common one."

Fractured: "Thanks so much—Highly appreciated! I still feel confused... but for some reason I have that bubbly feeling back again."

[–]Anon2: "I'm curious of your take on this, actually. When I started questioning, I started using Lauren online as my name instead of my male name, just to try it out. I've also had similar aww you're making me blush reactions to it being used, especially if the person knows me by another name to begin with. Is that normal? I honestly don't know and I'm curious how you read into it."

[–]Anon1: "Like, did it make me happy to have people think of me as a girl online even before transitioning or accepting I was trans? 

Absolutely. I played a lot of MMOs as a form of escapism in my teens, and once I worked up the courage to play with female avatars, I found I was always really really happy when people assumed I was a girl out in meatspace, or that they would use she/her/hers pronouns for me. Enough that when people would ask me point blank if I was a guy IRL I would tell them no, I'm a girl. Keep in mind, this is before I was okay with the idea of being trans, or acting as anything other than a straight cis guy.

I know there are cis guys who play as women online (for free stuff, or to troll people, or so they can admire their sexy female avatar), but for me those were some of the first spaces I was read as female in and looking back that probably explains why I felt a lot more comfortable socialising online than IRL. It felt like a place I could explore those feelings with minimal chance of injury, and lots of easy ways to deny my real reasons."

[–]Anon2: "Yeah. I just started doing that a few months ago. I haven't played an online game in forever, but even doing so in single player is satisfying!"

[–]Anon4: "The answer is yes OP."

[–]Anon5: "It's a yes or a no. There are possibilities that can make you come to this conclusion from both sides. If you are feeling this, it's important to talk to a gender therapist so you can resolve it."

Fractured: "I don't really know what to say... It's all coming together now — I am starting to get it — talking this way helps so much. I am so relieved to have found this place." 

[–]Anon6: "Yes. Dudes don't wish they were girls."

[–]Anon7: "Well, this means you're questioning, which will (most likely) end up meaning you are trans.

For me, it started as "what would it be like to be a girl?" — and wishing I had the bodies of some of the girls in my school.

But if you're questioning, and asking if this is indicative of you being trans, you probably are.

Try experimenting wearing girl clothes and makeup, and see if it feels like this is something you could do."

Healing: "Thanks! I do dress up in secret and love feminine clothing and makeup, but I suppress it a lot as well. It tends to be very sexual in nature, however I do get just a nice happy feeling from it; a sense of well-being, euphoria, relaxation."

[–]Anon7: "Pretty big indicator then. You most likely are trans."

[–]Anon8: "Keep in mind that what you're talking about are gender roles. Preferring femme clothing doesn't make you a girl, as men can prefer femme things too. What does make you trans is if you'd simply prefer being the other sex combined with the fact the being your assigned sex is uncomfortable (physical or mental dysphoria)."

[–]Anon9: "Have you ever stood next to a beautiful cis girl? While you were standing next to her and looking at her face and body what was going on in your mind? Oh I'd like to fuck her. Or was it — oh! I wish I had her body and looked like her! Or both? Haha. That might give you the answer!"

[–]Anon10: "I'd add that it's possible to get the two of them mixed up or confused too. I had this deep sense of envy for years without realising it while thinking those feelings were related to attraction. It can definitely be subconscious in nature."

Healing: "The both is a lot of what trips me up. I worry that I have some kind of fetish..."

[–]Anon9: "I don't think it's a fetish. A cis guy would look at her and only want to have sex. The idea of being her or having her body would never enter his mind! You are trans if you want her body as your own. The fucking her is your sexual preference. You're attracted to girls. Perhaps men as well? 66% of trans girls are attracted to girls. I've heard that most trans girl's sexual preference breaks down as 33% straight, 33% bi, and 33% lesbian."

Healing: "This is helpful. Thank you. I guess it's one of those points I get stuck on which is either denial or subconscious fear. Hearing numbers genuinely changes perspective for me"

[–]Anon9: "Yeah those are the numbers I've heard before for trans girls. I'm not sure what they are for trans men though. Probably similar but preferring other men."

[–]Anon11: "I'm the exact same and have recently come to accept that I am trans."

[–]Anon12: "You are trans if you identify as trans."

[–]Anon13: "If you're a duck, you quack. Right?"

[–]Anon14: "Are you trans? Most likely, yes!

What that means for you, and what you want to do about it, is really different for everyone. It's up to you where to go from here.

For me, being transgender meant that I already was — and always — a girl. I just made my body more closely match my inner self.

I suggest working with a counsellor with LGBTQ+ experience, who also supports LGBTQ+ people (rather than biased against). They can help guide your consideration process and help you work out where you are and decide what you would like to do with regard to being transgender (if you are, and it seems you are)."

Ducky: Thank you so much for your insight, everybody — it has been more helpful than you could ever imagine. I realise now what I had known deep down, for so long. I am finally ready to get my cute lil toosh in gear and be the bad bitch I know I was born to be. I am so happy. So in love. Thank you so very, very much! Quack!!"

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Fragments of a Transwoman
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