I'm going to start with a disclaimer; I will not go into detail about my negative sexual experiences, but I will be going into detail about my state of body and mind afterwards. I will also recount my recent positive sexual experiences and some feelings they brought up. If you feel like this article may trigger you, please do not continue reading.
Many people have experienced the shock and trauma of being sexually abused by someone they once trusted. The aftermath of such an experience can lead to apprehension in every aspect of our sexual lives, and even our daily lives. It can put strain on our relationships, cause anxiety and panic attacks, and even severe depression. I wanted to share my personal experience.
As a teen, I was sexually abused. Now, I won't go into detail, or name names, but it affected every aspect of my life. Nothing was the same for me, from school, to sex, to just sleeping at night. I began to undervalue myself, giving my body to people who didn't care about me at all, or my experiences, simply because I didn't want another person to hurt me and take what they wanted from me anyways, regardless of my protestations. I had nightmares and flashbacks on a nearly constant basis and started skipping school because it was simply too overwhelming to be near so many people and not knowing who I could put my trust in. If someone touched my wrists, I would have a panic attack and shut down. I developed a pain disorder that made it so that having any kind of sexual contact hurt so bad I would often cry. In my constant state of anxiety and depression, I wanted my suffering to end, one way or another. I was hurting myself just to get through the day. Luckily, I had a teacher who saw my pain, recognized the danger, and sent me to a guidance counselor. Subsequently, my GC put me on the right track to get myself into therapy with my local Sexual Assault Centre. I ended up graduating on time, finding a way to have healthy and enjoyable sexual experiences, moving past being a victim, and becoming a survivor.
That said, even therapy can't eliminate the scars of your past fully. I still struggle with anxiety, depression, pain, and trust issues. It was only a few months ago that I discovered that I'm okay with people touching or grabbing my wrists again without sending me into a panic or shutting me down. There are still days I am in too much pain to have or enjoy sex. Luckily, I have found, the less stressed and depressed I am, the less frequently that happens. The more accepting and understanding my partner is, the better my sexual relationship with them is. But there is still often an aspect of guilt with enjoying sex that isn't exactly vanilla or gentle. As a survivor, it took me a long time to realize that it doesn't make me an awful person to enjoy a little kink, because I didn't ask to be for it or consent to it when I was abused. I say this to every survivor of every gender: if the rough play is consensual, and both parties are enjoying themselves, it's OKAY to let yourself enjoy it. It is okay to like being grabbed by the throat, or spanked. It is okay to like to wrestle. It is okay to like biting and hair pulling. The key to it being okay is consistent consent. If someone uses their safe word or withdraws consent at any time, stop what you are doing, take a breath, ask if there was something you did wrong or if your partner needs a break or to be done for the meantime, and if needs be, sincerely apologize for getting carried away or crossing a line. Communication and understanding are paramount in any sexual relationship.
Over the last couple of years, I have started enjoying myself when I am having my hair pulled or my throat held to control my position and movements during sex. I am rediscovering myself slowly, relinquishing my impulsive need for complete control, and letting myself relish the feeling of my partner enjoying my body in a way that gives us both pleasure.
This past weekend, I had my first ever experience with bed restraints. My current sexual partner has been told that I am writing this article, and that his name will not be revealed. We have been enjoying our nights together, exploring each other's bodies, and discovering things we have in common, sexually. It started out as a cuddle session and some conversation, then moved quickly to kissing and caressing. I don't remember exactly how the topic came up, but my partner let me know he had restraints, and I felt an automatic sense of excitement. It felt odd that such a concept would stir up those feelings when I thought about it, but I knew somehow that I would regret it if I closed that door for myself. I didn't hesitate in letting my excitement win me over as he lifted his mattress and set up the restraints.
Putting his hand on my chest, he kissed me as he guided me back to the bed. With one push, I was laying on his mattress, watching his god-like body as he climbed over top of me, wearing the grin that has become one of my favorite features of his. He asked if I was sure, and I nodded. Kissing me, he straightened my right arm, placing it in the soft fabric cuff and fastening the velcro so that I had just enough room to turn my wrist. Then he pulled the strap and fastened it so that I could just barely move my arm and adjust my position if needs be. Again, he kissed me and asked if this was okay. I gave him my consent, and he proceeded with the other wrist. Once I was fastened with my arms out straight, I had a momentary feeling of panic. I won't lie about that. I took a deep breath, reminded myself that I could put my trust in this man who had never wronged me, and was consistently asking for my assurance that his actions were not hurting or scaring me, and I let myself relax. He moved down to the end of the mattress, where he reminded me that one of his cuffs was missing, and asked if I was okay with him tying the strap around my ankle instead. I looked him in the eye and gave my consent. When my ankles were tied, just loosely enough that my knees could bend, he was there again, kissing and caressing my body. Any leftover apprehension melted away, and my body began to heat up. Here I was, a 25-year-old woman, completely submitting to the toned blonde deity before me. I was starting to get wet before his fingers even reached my slit. After rubbing for a few moments, he crawled over so that he was perfectly positioned with his head between my thighs and pushed a finger inside me. I sighed my contentment as he put his tongue to my clit and began rubbing my g-spot simultaneously. Just as the sensation began to build, he withdrew, positioning his perfect cock at my opening. Bending down, he passionately tongue kissed me, letting me taste my wetness as he pushed into me. He started slowly, letting me take him in and make his length slick before he began to pump faster and faster, his cock at an angle that made it rub all the best nerves with every thrust. He would slow himself for a minute, then speed up again, filling my body with sensation. Just as I was getting close, grinding my clit against his pubic bone as he fucked me, he pulled away again. This time, he straddled my shoulders. I opened up for him and happily tasted my juices as I lifted my head to suck his heavenly prick. He let me bob my head and suck for a while before turning his body so that he could put his face back onto my aching pussy. While tonguing me, he began to thrust his cock to the back of my throat, fucking my face. Barely able to move my head, I focused on moving my tongue and tilting my throat, softly sucking his maddeningly perfect dick while he had his way with my face, showing just how good it could feel being controlled in the right way. I could tell he was getting closer. He turned again, straddling my chest and putting his head in my mouth to suck on it while he pumped his fist over his shaft. Before long, a warm, salty-sweet substance burst forth into my mouth while he moaned a few obscenities. I sucked his cock into my mouth and swallowed until the streams of cum stopped. As his panting slowed, he moved himself back down to put his full attention on my needy little kitten. And did he ever make her purr. Pushing a finger into me, then adding another, he curled his digits into my g-spot and flicked his tongue across my clit, reaching up to play with my nipples one at a time. Within minutes, my breath was hitching and my hips were grinding as he finger fucked me. My moans were so loud and desperate as I climaxed that I was sure half the block could hear me. My body was shivering, my legs twitching, my back arching, I moaned until I nearly cried. Nearly 20 minutes later, he finally let up and my brain stopped exploding. As he pulled his fingers out of me, he commented on how my vagina had quite the grip on his fingers, causing me to giggle. Then, ever so sweetly, he caressed my face, kissed me, and began untying the restraint from my right wrist. He moved down and began releasing my ankles as I unfastened my left wrist. That night, I slept like a baby, wrapped up safely in his arms.