Falling Down the Rabbit Hole (Pt. 1)

Her back against the wall and my backside against her. Her kisses on my neck, like fire ants on my skin. Her fingers lost in me. I knew people were walking by and staring. I knew they were gasping. And for once, I knew I didn’t give a fuck.

Friday night out with the girls, how fun. Could you tell the sarcasm in my voice?

It’s not like I don’t like going out with my friends it’s just that somehow, I always become the babysitter. I guess partially that’s my fault... Alright I know it’s my fault, but I can’t help it. I’ll see my friends getting shit faced and suddenly, this mother gene kicks in and I’m holding everyone’s hair back.

I get a text from the group chat with my friends.

Ashley: "What are all you bitches wearing?"

Katie: "Spandex dress and heels always!!"

Meg: "Jeans and a crop top. Debating heels, I’m tall as fuck."

Ashley: "I can’t decide. I wanna look hot tonight."

Me: "STFU Ash, you always look hot."

Ashely: "Omg did baby Bailey just use the “F” word?!"

Me: "Really “baby Bailey”? Didn’t we kick that nickname in high school"

Ash? "Fuck you asshole Ashley."

Katie: "Lmao, good one Bail."

“Meg likes your text”

Ashley: "Fine ya bitch what are you wearing??"

Me: "Who me?"

Ashley: "Yes you."

Honestly, I have no idea what I plan on wearing. My go to is usually jeans, a band tee, and some heels but after Ash’s comments I feel like being risky tonight.

Me: "You’ll just have to wait and see when you pick me up..."

Ash: "You know B, sometimes you’re a real bitch."

Okay, now to pick out an outfit. I stare desperately into my closet. Ugh, I hate every piece of clothing I own. I push through a bunch of hangers and find a hidden gem. A black cold shoulder top with a sweetheart neckline. Hmm, I don’t think I’ve ever worn this before. I take it off the hanger and try it on. Woah, my boobs look huge, I can’t wear this. I start to take off the shirt when suddenly I think about Ashley. What would little miss rebel do in this situation? Fuck it, I’m wearing it. I put the shirt back on and suddenly I’m overcome with this new sense of freedom. I go to my dresser and pull out the best pair of skinny jeans I own. Ya know... the one that hits my curves in all the right places. Now for shoes... Lightbulb moment. I reach far back into my closet and find exactly what I’m looking for. A box with a pair of shoes that my dad’s girlfriend had bought me for Christmas a year ago. I had never once worn the shoes because I deemed them to be too trashy but tonight, I wanted to roll deep in the filth. I open the box and the thigh high leather boots were just as I remember them, except this time I wasn’t intimidated by their sensuality. I slide the boots on over my jeans and stare at myself in the mirror. Huh, I look like I have long legs. I turn around and look at my backside in the mirror. No wonder men invented heels, they do wonders for a person’s ass.

*BING* iMessage from Meg

Meg: "Bail, we’re outside bitch!"

Crap, they’re here early! I rush to get my purse together. Okay, phone, wallet, keys, think I’m good. One last mirror check... fuck should I change my shoes? No, no Bailey don’t bitch out now. I head out the door and start to walk down my apartment steps staring at my feet, so I don’t bust my ass in these shoes.

“Holyshit B, you look hot!” I hear Katie scream.

“Wow girl never thought I’d see the day when you would wear those boots Slutty Sandy got for you. Whatcha trying to do get laid or something?” Ash asks sarcastically.

“No Ash I’ll leave the STD catching up to you since you’re so good at it!” I shout with annoyance.

“OH SHIIIIIIT!” Meg screams laughing.

I look over and Meg and Katie are practically rolling on the floor laughing.

“Damn, you’re feisty tonight. I like this new Bailey,” Ash says coolly.

“I’m sorry Ash, I didn’t mean it, I just got upset for a second,” I say nervously.

“Its all good girl. Let s just go and have some fun. STD free. Promise. Girl scouts honor,” Ash says.

Thank god she can take a joke. We hop in the Uber and head to the club. As we pull up to the building, I see a glowing sign that says CLUB CHAOS in bright neon colors. We hop out of the car and head towards the entrance. Damn, the line is wrapped around the whole side of the building.

“Shit, maybe we should go somewhere else tonight. The wait looks at least an hour long,” Meg says.

“Maybe I can ask the Uber driver if he’ll take us to Library instead,” I say.

“Fuck no Library is lame. Don’t worry girls, I got this,” Ash says.

She struts her way up to the front door swaying her hips in such a way that catches even the smoothest of men’s eye. She flips her long blonde hair and puts a hand on the bouncer’s shoulder. Ash whispers in his ear and he smiles at whatever she’s told him. She points over to us and he nods and motions for us to walk toward him.

“Amazing. The bitch did it again,” Meg says.

“And who said it was a burden to have hot friends?” Katie asks jokingly.

We walk toward Ashley and the bouncer unhooks the rope from in front of us. Suddenly we hear a succession of boo and fuck you from the unamused line of patrons.

“Oh, kiss my ass!” Ash screams to the line.

“Let me know where and when honey!” a random guy shouts back at her.

As we walk through the door the world around me transforms. It's as if I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and now, I was Alice adventuring through Wonderland. Two floors full of people dancing, drinking, laughing, and some touching all their cares away.

“Let’s go get a table!” Ashley screams above the music.

We follow her to a lifted area where the bottle girls are showing off their perfectly shaped bodies and carrying the most expensive liquor. Ashley spots a table with five guys and winks at us. All it takes is one smile from her and the boys’ wave for us to join them.

“Come on!” she insists as she walks up the steps to the table.

We follow suit to a heavily cushioned lounge area with buckets of expensive liquor on the tables. Five frat boy type guys stare at us and motion for us to sit next to them. Ashley plops herself onto the chiseled blonde and I swear they could pose in the next Hollister ad together. She takes his drink from his hand, “So, what are we drinking tonight boys?”

“Hopefully something more than liquor,” the Hollister model says.

“You guys got any vodka?” Meg asks.

“Sure honey. How about we all do a shot?” asks the equally attractive brunette guy.

Shots of vodka? Really? Ugh come on Bailey stop being such a pussy.

“Yeah sure I’m game,” I say

“Wow Bail, who are you trying to impress?!” Ash asks.

“She doesn’t have to try to impress anybody I think she’s pretty hot just sitting there.” The guy with the shaved head says.

“I’m Liam,” he says.

“Bailey,” I respond.

“Alright who’s down for those shots? Why don’t you get up and pour them for us babe?” the Hollister model asks Ashley.

Ashley stands up and he smacks her ass. She giggles in return and starts to pour shots for everyone.

“Okay cheers everyone. To new friends!” Ash exclaims

“To new friends!” we all shout back.

I take the shot and I feel the liquor as it passes every part of my throat, the burn of the alcohol leaving its mark and warming me up.

“Ugh, that shit is nasty!” exclaims the shaved head guy. I nod in agreement.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” he asks me.

“Not much to say I suppose.” I say with annoyance.

He reaches up and touches my lips with his thumb, “Well I’m sure these lips could be put to better use anyway,” he says with a smirk.

“Excuse me?” oh, he’s caught me on the wrong night.

“What, I mean you’re dressed like a slut, don’t pull that goody goody act with me.”

“Fuck you asshole!” oh, now I’m really pissed.

“Geesh Bail, what’s your problem why are you so uptight?” Ash asks while the Hollister model kisses her neck and fondles her boobs.

“Sorry Ash but I’m not really into fucking someone I just met two seconds ago just because he gave me a shot of shitty ass vodka!” I exclaim.

“Hey Bail, it’s okay just chill out,” Meg says.

“Fuck this I’m outta here.” I get up and start down the stairs. I hear Katie and Meg screaming after me and I look back but none of them get up. What great so-called friends of mine. I feel pools of water welling up behind my eyes and I run towards the bathroom. I reach the ladies room and don’t find much solace. I find girls crying all around me exclaiming to their friends about their boyfriends looking at some other girl or some guy they just met that night leaving them for some other girl with a much better set of boobs. Fuck, is this our whole life? Do we just live and breath to satisfy and cater to men? I come out of the stall and wash my hands only to see a girl cutting a line of coke to my left. I don’t realize I’m staring until I hear, “You want a line?”

“Uh, no I’m alright,” I say.

“You look like you’ve had a rough night,” she says.

“Yeah, not the best,” I agree. Damn am I that transparent? Even a coked-up girl can see on my face that I’m having the worst time. I stare at myself in the mirror. Mascara smudged around my eyes. I lean into the mirror and attempt to fix my makeup. I reach for my purse and pull out my lipstick and reapply it to my lips. Okay, Bailey this is your night. Go back out there and just have fun. Fuck your friends, you don’t need them. You can make new friends without being so focused on guys. I look at myself once more and leave the comfort of the bathroom behind me.

Back out in the club I head straight for the bar. I make eye contact with the bartender and ask for two shots of vodka and a vodka cranberry. Well, there’s no time like the present to get drunk. I stare down at the two shots. First one makes me gag and the second goes down like water. In just a couple of minutes my head starts to feel fuzzy and I let myself move to the rhythm of the house music playing. Though I’m tipsy I’m still not drunk enough to remove myself from the comfort of the bar and on to the dance floor. I look across the floor and I see so many different people all with one thing in common, they’re free. They don’t care how they look to others, they are just enjoying themselves with no fear of being judged. As I continue to scan the dance floor, someone catches my eye. A girl, with long jet-black hair in thigh high boots, just like mine and a lacy black bralette. She moves to the music like she knows each note before it even comes. I realize that I’m staring at her, but I can’t tear my eyes away. Something about her draws me in and I feel like a moth to a flame. Suddenly, she looks my way at catches me staring at her. Oh crap. I look down at my feet and then turn my back away from the dance floor. Shit! Shit! Shit! Way to embarrass yourself Bailey. Suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder and butterflies start to form in my stomach. I turn around and there she is, even more breathtaking up close. I try to say something, but my brain and my mouth don’t feel connected at this point.

“Hi, I’m Elena,” she says while sticking out her hand for me to shake it.

“Bailey, Uhh umm my names Bailey,” I say shaking her hand and stuttering.

“Wow, that’s a pretty name,” she says as she moves next to me leaning her left elbow on the bar.

“I’ve never seen you here before, it’s you first time?” she asks.

“Yeah,” It’s the only fucking word I can get out of my mouth

“You here alone?” she asks while sipping her drink.

“Yeah,” come on Bailey. Words, remember those?

“Hmm you seem pretty shy to be out at a club like this all by yourself,” she states.

Hellloooooo, earth to Bailey, wake up!!

“Oh, sorry did I say I was alone, I uhh came here with some friends but they were being assholes, so I left them,” I say shakingly.

“Lemme guess they got all wrapped up in some Frat boy looking guys,” she guesses.

“Yeah! How’d you know?!” I say a little too excited.

“Happens a lot here. Frat boy types love this club ever since it started to play a lot more house music. It sucks, but I just ignore them.” she says.

“What, you don’t find any of them good-looking?” I ask.

“Nah, not my type.” She says looking at me and biting her lip.

Suddenly my mouth goes dry and there’s a lump in my throat. She is still looking at me and checking me up and down with her eyes.

“Um,” I clear my throat. “So how often do you come here?” I ask.

“Everyday. I work here. I’m usually one of the dancers in the cages, but tonight is my night off,” she says.

“Oh. So, you decide to hang out at your job on your night off? Don’t you want to go somewhere else?” I ask

“Well I pretty much get free drinks any time I want, and I love to dance so why not come here.”

“You’re good at it. The way you move it's so, sensual.”

She laughs. Suddenly, I feel my cheeks changing the color of tomatoes. Ugh way to stick your foot in your mouth Bailey!

“I’m sorry I just meat to say that you mov-

“Its okay, I’m not laughing because you did something wrong. You’re cute when you're embarrassed,” she states.

I look down at my feet because I can feel the familiar heat on my cheeks. Why is she affecting me like this, I’ve never been into girls like this before? She touches my chin and picks my head up and moves my hair out of my face.

“Don’t hide your face, it's too pretty for that. Hey Billy! Two shots down here!” She screams to the bartender.

“Haven’t you had enough for tonight Elle?” the bartender says playfully.

“There’s never enough alcohol, Bill. You should know,” she says sticking her tongue out at him.

She takes the shots from him and hands me one. I take it from her hand without hesitation.

“Cheers Bailey, to new friends,” she says.

I laugh, “To new friends,” I repeat back.

The shot hits my throat warm as before, but there’s something different about this shot. I can’t quite tell what alcohol it is but its not vodka.

“Okay, now you’re ready,” she states.

“Um, ready for what?” I ask.

“To dance,” she points to the dancefloor.

I laugh straight in her face, “Yeah no shot.”

“Oh, come on. I know that shot gave you a least a little bit of self-confidence.”

“Uh, I have self confidence thank you very much.”

“Yeah okay, maybe don’t look down at the floor and I’ll believe you,” she states.

I blush because she’s right. Dammit why is she affecting me this way?

“Billy! Two more shots!” I scream.

“Fuck yeah!” Elena screams after me.

“You two need to go to a AA meeting,” he declares.

“Only if you come along.” I say and raise my shot glass in the air and sling it back.

You know that last shot that you take that sends you straight to the right place of drunkenness? You’re not completely wasted but your brain is just fuzzy enough to blur out all the fears you’ve had as a sober person. Your body feels warm and weightless... Yeah that was that shot.

I grab Elena’s hand and lead her onto the dance floor. But as soon as I get there my confidence wears off. I freeze up and stand there staring at her. She puts one arm around my neck and the other on my waist and moves me close to her.

“Oh, come on, don’t bitch out on me now,” she shouts over the music.

And our bodies start to move in sync with each other and the music. I let myself go and feel the music, closing my eyes and leaning back. I can feel her hands touch my neck and move their way to my cleavage. She turns around and pushes her backside into me grinding against me to the beat. She grabs my hands and puts her own on top of them. She moves our hands to her waist up her body to her breast in sync with the music. Our hands climb up to the back of her neck and tangle in her hair. She leans back and presses her lips to my ear, moving her tongue around the bottom of my earlobe back to the top. I lean back and sigh with pleasure.

Wait, what the fuck am I doing. I don’t like girls. What the fuck. I push her off of me and back away.

“Bailey what’s the matter?” she asks.

“What the fuck. Was this your plan, you just get me drunk so you can fuck me or something? I’m not a lesbian what the fuck is your problem?” Ugh I feel sick and pissed at the same time.

“That’s not what I am trying to do we are just dancing don’t be dramatic,” she says reaching for my hand to pull me back.

“No that isn’t just what you’re trying to do.” Oh god I feel tears welling up in my eyes again. I have to get out of here. I walk out of the club and the fresh air slaps me in the face. Suddenly, I’m sober and clear headed. I walk to the alleyway on the side of CHAOS and let myself sink down to the floor against the wall. Fuck this night, fuck all of it.

“Bailey! Bailey!” I hear Elena screaming

“Oh, what the fuck. What? What is it you want?”

“I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I just thought you felt what I felt,” she says.

“Oh, don’t feed me that bullshit line. You were just trying to get your pussy wet,” I say

“Did you just say pussy?” she asks giggling.

“Yeah so what. You don’t own the word. I can say it if I want. Pussy, Pussy. Pussy,” I say annoyed.

She smiles and bites her lip and whispers in my ear, “I like when you say pussy.” She moves her mouth from my ears to my lips and kisses me softly and moves back. She looks at me for approval and I kiss her back, longer this time. The kiss turns from light to a hunger in both of us. She puts her leg in between my sex and pushes her thigh into myself moving back and forth. I respond with a moan and cup her ass with my hands. She pulls my hands away and puts them above me and continues to fuck me with her leg.

“What’s happening?” I say through a heavy breath.

“You’re letting me get you drunk and fuck you,” she states.

And just like that her statement wakes me up. Why do I keep giving in to her? Why do I let her do this to me? “Elena please, stop,” I say. She moves away from me, but only by an inch. I start to walk away, and she grabs my wrist.

“Please don’t walk away from me again,” she pleads.

I can feel myself looking down at my feet, but I can’t help it.

“Don’t look down at your feet, please. Look at me,” she begs.

I turn to look at her and she walks towards me. She stands behind me and put her hands lightly on my waist.

“If you want to leave now, you can go. I won’t run after you, I won’t ever talk to you again if I see you. But if you want this, I want this too. Please, just stay,” she begs.

I exhale deep and let myself go. I push up against her and her fingers tangle in my hair and she pulls on it and I let out a sigh. Her left-hand dances along my breasts down to my sex and she presser her palm between my legs.

“I can feel you're wet through your jeans,” she whispers in my ear.

She goes underneath my pants and slips her fingers inside me. I lean back and moan from relief.

“Come on Bailey, tell me how good it feels,” she commands.

I can feel my body reaching euphoria. Her fingers playing a symphony that I never knew I loved.

“Stop holding back Bailey, I can feel it, you want to cum,” she states.

No, I can’t let myself, but she feels so good inside me.

With her back against the wall and my backside against her. Her kisses on my neck, like fire ants on my skin. Her fingers lost in me. I knew people were walking by and staring. I knew they were gasping. And for once, I knew I didn’t give a fuck.