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Fake It Till You Make It

Ain't no shame in my fake orgasms game!

By LocsQueenPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Showing off your best acting skills

Sadly, I've been faking it my entire sexual journey. Except when I get the job done on my own, of course ;) But no guy has ever been able to legitimately get my rocks off, even though they'd beg to differ. But I know I'm not the only young women that has been living in this annoying reality. For those of you that can relate, let's reflect and applaud ourselves on our wonderful acting skills over the years.

"I'm gonna cum!"

I call this method The Clear Announcement. I'm sure we're all guilty of impulsively screaming this toward the"climax" of the moment (pun intended). When the breathing's been consistently heavy, the kissing is genuinely passionate, the tingly feelings are flowing. You can feel him reaching his moment, biting his lip, closing his eyes.

You seductively scream, or whisper (whatever floats your boat), "I'm gonna cum" or whatever variation of the phrase you enjoy. He smiles in ecstasy and groans with satisfaction, exploding his pleasure goo wherever the wind blows you two. Meanwhile, you're left feeling like your favorite roller coaster ride just abruptly stopped right before the last big drop. The ride was great, but the endings always get postponed till you make it back to solitude. Fortunately, Mr. All Smiles is totally oblivious to the technical difficulties of the experience. But don't fret! Give yourself a pat on the back, because once again you've mentally duped him into a bunch of false confidence. Because really, it's all about who gets the last laugh. I mean...orgasm.

Him: Did you cum?

Her: Duh, silly! *awkward smile and giggle*

I call this method The Straight-Up Lie. You use this when your ending performance wasn't as greatly executed as it normally is. You're laying in bed, getting the best spooning cuddle in. You're meekly satisfied from the amazing oral and even better sex, but you still have that feeling as if the movie you're really into got cut off right when they were about to reveal the killer. In the midst of this "power outage," you're unknowing to the most awkward fear brewing right behind you. And then you hear him ask that soul-chilling question: "Did you cum?"

WHY! you think to yourself as you feel a heart dropping feeling in your gut. You respond with, "Of course I did." "Twice". "Duh". "You didn't notice?" Or whatever clever response you've mastered over the years, followed by a modest giggle. He, as always, smiles with satisfaction. You've done it again, with minimal effort. And again, I'm sure you just can't wait to finish the job yourself.

*Dramatically makes unwarranted 'O' face followed by a very sexy moan and gripping of the bed sheets*

Last, but definitely not least, I call this method The Encore. This is the method that you don't even need to speak! Your actions, and your sounds, are gonna be speaking louder than any words you could muster together. I mean this act is so good you almost feel like it's the real deal! Asking yourself questions like "Am I about to cum?""Is this it??" But BE CAREFUL, LADIES, with this method, it has been statistically proven to be 87% more likely to lead to him having a malfunction with the "pull-out method."

Don't be surprised if he moans instead of groans while using this method.

Side-effects may include: PREGNANCY, falling in love, stalking, proposal, unannounced house pop-ups, asking to move in, and introduction to family.

So there you have it, three of the most used fake orgasm techniques used by millions of women worldwide. Round of applause, ladies, on our amazing acting skills, hats off to ya! I'm sure we'll all eventually find that guy that knows JUST what to do.

Until then, lights, camera, annnnnnnnnnnd ACTION! ;)

comedy
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About the Creator

LocsQueen

I'm a small town girl with a creative mind. Love reading and writing, and i'm veeeeeery 420 friendly. :)

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