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For those of you who may not know, Emotional Numbness is something you can get from certain illnesses (Depression and Anxiety being two), stress, PTSD, or even medications. (There are more causes, but these are the basics)
Emotional numbness is what it sounds like. You're left feeling empty, numb, sometimes isolated.
Mentally, I haven't felt a genuine emotion in over three years. And truth be told, I was only able to put the title to the issue a few days ago.
How I've managed it over the years
I presumed the lack of emotions was down to depression, (which it most likely is) and it was one of the first signs which made me realise I did, in fact, have it again.
Over the last year, I've learnt to determine what I'm feeling through physical 'signs'. My mind can't feel the emotion, but my body is still experiencing it.
About a year and a half into living with no emotions, my sex drive began to decline. Faster than I expected it to.
Now, I've been in a relationship for about five and a half years, (want advice on a lasting relationship? Click here!) and while it isn't a necessary part of a relationship, sex is a common thing.
I'm not going to get into the frequency or any details like that. But as my sex drive died, so did the amount of sex we had.
I don't feel horny anymore, excited, or even interested in sex or masturbation. And you know what? That fucking sucks.
Because of the emotional numbness, our relationship has lost a form of emotional connection. Sex isn't just sex for us. It's the foreplay, the intimacy, the connection we have. It's so much more.
My sex drive being dead has meant that it goes months between sex. It's gotten to the point where I could probably not have it at all, and not miss it. It puts a slight strain on the relationship. It won't end or cause it to go downhill, but it does make me anxious on occasion.
Along with this, I'm not as romantic as I used to be. I have to try and hype myself up for anything like this, which is still really bloody difficult. The act of hyping myself up usually leaves me feeling worn out and drained. I hype myself up for it to not work very well, and be left without energy.
How we've managed to make this work.
Communication has been so important for us. I was incredibly embarrassed at first, being too shy to even admit that I wasn't as interested anymore (especially considering at the time, I couldn't explain why) but it's become easier to talk about, allowing us to both understand the situation more.
For those of you who may be curious, my partner isn't angry, frustrated, or annoyed with me because of this. He's glad we've become comfortable to talk about it as he can start to see what it's like for me.
Not having emotions have had a great hand in leaving me to feel like I've no idea in what I'm doing, or where I'm going in life. The depression doesn't help in this, but overall, losing a part of myself which, honestly, I don't feel like I miss, is awful and hard to process at times.
I miss this, I don't like this, and I'm not overly sure on how to get past this.
It's taken away precious part of my life and ruined moments where I could have felt true emotions.
I don't like that I no longer get excited about sex. Having it isn't the same either, not anymore. If my partner wasn't as understanding as he is, I truly hate to believe how the reaction and situation could be.