Recently presidential candidate Donald Trump went on a 3AM twitter rant which included urging his followers to check out a supposed sex tape featuring former Miss Universe Alicia Machado. In addition to once again demonstrating his low opinion of women, it also got us thinking; was Trump up late at night looking for something to say about Miss Machado, or was he perusing sites looking for celebrity sex tapes to add to his collection? Needless to say this led to a very dark mental space. After a long shower and stiff drink to get the images out of our heads we put together this list of Donald Trump’s favorite celebrity sex tapes.
Most likely discovered when Trump thought that Google was a concierge service and was hankering for some “authentic, like really really good” french fries and asked for 1 Night in Paris, Trump is certainly a fan of the first celebrity sex tape scandal of the internet age. If anything, Trump could say that this is just research on a competitor, but on the other hand, Trump has been rumored to have a thing for the daughters of hotel moguls in the past.
It may be that they both have a strong appeal to uneducated angry white men, it may be that they both have a thing for Russia, or it may be that they share a bond over being some of the most disliked people ever; whatever the reason, we can’t help but suspect that the Limp Bizkit front man’s sex tape is at the top of Trump's favorite celebrity sex tapes. Clearly only in a bro-y-high-five-yeah-I-scored kind of way. It is also possible that Trump calls his penis Bizkit and found this sex tape searching for a solution to a rather personal problem.
Given that he can’t tell the difference between Alicia Machado and a look-alike, it goes without saying that he probably can’t tell the difference between Sarah Palin and the many, many pornographic parodies of her. It’s possible that she was so flabbergasted when Trump asked her about it that her endorsement of him turned into a nonsensical ramble about nothing. It is also possible that President Obama was letting on that he knows more than he should when he recently stated that Sarah Palin is responsible for Trump’s rise.
The Donald almost certainly felt obligated to give this tape a view after Kid Rock publicly declared his support for Trump. Hailing from the Detroit area, Trump believed Kid Rock would deliver him the entire state of Michigan with this endorsement. Kid Rock may also be the most honest among Trump’s supporters, as his reason for supporting Donald is that he and his campaign are “entertaining as shit.” To make it even better, the Kid Rock tape features a special guest appearance by Scott Stapp, the lead singer of Creed. If Trump is willing to go to that concert, he’s certainly happy to watch the sex tape.
Tila rose to fame by becoming the most popular person on the social network Myspace and proceeded to launch a career in reality television. Given her outspoken support for The Donald, it is surprising that Trump has not used her as a surrogate to reach out to the valued demographic of Hitler-loving Myspace stars. It is possible that he didn’t realize that she is actually from Singapore, and in no way Hispanic. The fact that she isn’t Hispanic also means that Trump’s dirty secret of loving this sex tape is dirty for reasons other than the one he thinks.
Found by accident when Googling the name he calls his penis and “sex tape,” Mini-Me actor Verne Troyer is definitely on Trump's favorite celebrity sex tapes. One thing we can’t get out of our heads is Verne Troyer dressed up as Trump standing next to him and mimicking his outrageous antics.
Based on his fascination with beauty pageants and the religious right, you can almost be sure that the former Miss California is on Trump’s most watched list for his favorite celebrity sex tapes. After all, she did come on to him. It’s not what you think though, it’s just campaign research to understand what female voters want. Trump watches because in a Trump presidency where he’s made America great again, her answer on same sex marriage wins her the Miss USA pageant, which under President Trump is a government funded and recognized program.
Alleged mastermind of an attack which seriously hurt her Olympic rival, Nancy Kerrigan, Harding had a sex tape released in 1994 by Penthouse Magazine. The timing of this release is awfully suspicious, and may explain how Trump managed to lose $915 million in 1995, a year when the stock market grew 37%. Another possible draw for Mr. Trump is their shared love of appearing on reality television, making this one of Trump's favorite celebrity sex tapes.
Probably the result of a search for “Screech sex,” as we highly doubt that anyone would intentionally go looking for this tape, the former Saved by the Bell star has had some tough times lately. Though the appeal of this particular sex tape is beyond us, we feel fairly sure that this is Trump’s form of revenge porn. While Dustin has been working on turning his life around, Trump seems determined to charge forward, never changing.
A recent edition to Trump’s favorite celebrity sex tapes, John Edwards made Trump's list when he was doing research into the most important (and fun) aspects of running a presidential campaign. Edward’s political career was killed by the release of the sex tape, since it showed the then-married Edwards en flagrante with his mistress. It remains to be seen if there is a scandal large enough to end Trump’s as well.
The former Miss Ohio holds the distinction of having the oldest celebrity sex tape on this list. Jayne Kennedy found herself in this situation much the same way many celebrities do today, when the tape was stolen from her house. This occurred in 1983, and the early 80’s were Trump’s prime years. That’s why we think it is almost certainly on his list of favorite celebrity sex tapes and in his private collection at Trump Tower.
This one is a blast from Trump’s past – with a deep love of professional wrestling, it goes without saying that he would watch a sex tape involving one of the biggest wrestling stars of all time. Hogan was caught on tape having sex with the wife of his best friend. With Hogan announcing he would love to be Trump’s running mate and the tape leading to the downfall of the Gawker media empire, it's hard to envision a scenario where Trump didn’t give it a look. It is thought that Trump can relate to this tape better than others because of Hogan’s rough leathery exterior and soft orange hue.
More wrestling? Seems like Trump is starting to show the beginnings of a rather specific fetish. Chyna’s sex tape is actually what Trump has been referring to when he says that we cut terrible deals with China. If that is the case we can probably all agree that while this was a rotten deal, we don’t want him to negotiate a better one.
There’s nothing that The Donald loves more than The Donald. In addition to his alleged appearance in a pornographic film in 2000, Donald almost certainly has some sex tapes of his own. After all, he’s the greatest, and when Donald Trump has sex on screen, you can just tell that he has the best temperament. When a man this narcissistic gets access to a camera, you can bet that he took some video of himself “at work.” We don’t even want to speculate as to what could be on these tapes. In fact, we don’t even want to go on anymore.