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Do They See Me?

Wandering mind of a self diagnosed sex addict.

LUST

The thoughts always start the same.

"Are they looking at me?" "What part of me are they looking at?" "Did they see me?"

As I walk down the streets of my downtown, scroll through my Instagram feed, and judge my friends' Facebook statuses, I notice more and more that people want to talk about sex. WHICH IS GREAT. We need to talk about it, not only how it works and what it does but also sex education, sexuality and acceptance. This whole, sex is private and secret mentality is ruining relationships, not only spousal, but also friendships and family. We need to accept that we all think about sex, we all want to have sex, and that sex is good. 

I was raised by two sex therapists, they did not work together, and what their job titles were, were drastically different; but they still both worked a lot on sex and how that pertained to everyone's lives, choices and ideas. At a young age I was obsessed with it. I wanted to be a girl that knew all the tricks, had all the knowledge and had all the experience. 

I kissed my first boy at age 6, my first girl at age 8 and had my first bump and grind by age 11. When I lost my virginity at age 14, I thought I was an expert. I thought I knew what the boys liked, and what they wanted and how to do it. I wanted all my friends to ask me for advice and tips, but as I got older, things started to get out of hand.

The more I put on this front of being a sex queen, the more men treated me like an object. At first, I did like it. I liked being "wanted" and "super hot", until the one man did not stop when I asked him to. It was a rude awakening, and even after I coped with what happened, I still felt ashamed that I still craved sex, even after being assaulted. 

To this day, I fiend for men to "want" me, to desire me, and I have been in a loving and healthy relationship for 5 years. The man I am with gives me everything I need, and more. Sexually, mentally, physically, he is fulfilling. So why do I crave other people to want me? It has been a long journey to accepting my obsession with sex, and sexual needs. Still to this day I find myself wanting men, and women to watch me as I walk by them, to comment on my posts, to send me direct messages telling me how sexy I am and how badly they want me. I have even thought about making "private pages" to fulfill these wants, but when I do, they still are not enough. I masturbate constantly and watch porn more than the average teenager, so what is missing?

Tune in next week for updates on "Why do I love thinking about sex?"