Discovering Who I Truly Am

Hi, I'm Nate. I'm just a normal 15-year-old who does normal 15-year-old things: I watch Netflix, I eat (a lot), I sleep (a lot), and I also happen to be gay. To me, my sexuality doesn't define who I am; it is just an aspect of who I am. But anyway, that's not what today's story is. Today’s story revolves around my journey of self-discovery.

At age six:

I think at about six I knew I was different from the other kids. All the other boys would be playing sports and running around. While on the other side of the playground I would be walking and talking with a group of girls. I was content with this, and at that age I didn't feel weird at all for not conversing with any boys. Of course, though, some people disagreed with how I acted. When I came home, my parents would always ask who I hung out with. I responded of course with a list of girls. I could always tell they were a little displeased; they even set me up with this other kid in my class to have a play date with. Of course, nothing came of this, as I am just uncomfortable around boys and more comfortable with girls. This aspect of my personality has never gone away, and I still barely talk to boys.

At age 11:

When I was 11, I was in 6th grade, and honestly this was one of the most eventful years in the development of who I am today for so many reasons. This was the year I really started to let loose and show my true colors of who I was. In the 6th grade many people described me as "flamboyant and sassy," which were two very accurate words that suited me well. I loved hearing people, especially women, call me these words; they made me feel unique and special. To most men though, I was acting too "feminine" and not "masculine" enough. This really hurt me because I was confused why people were telling me to act completely different than who I really was. So I started to act as "masculine" as I could, and it made me really sad and depressed because I felt like I was lying to not only myself but everyone around me, and it sucked a lot. So eventually, I made a promise to myself to never, ever try to imitate someone I am not, because are you truly even living if your entire existence is a lie? I thought not, and that's why I made this promise to myself.

The next year was also eventful due to a single person named Blue; she was the first gay person I had ever met, and she showed me what my life could be if I just accepted who I am.

At age 12:

Seventh grade was a fun year; I made so many new friends and discovered the biggest secret of my existence, thanks to Blue. So I think we should start from the beginning of 7th grade. Blue was the new girl at school and her life was surrounded by a cloud of mystery, and this drew me straight to her; I wanted to discover who she was. And so I went up to her one day, and we spoke, and it was so much fun, and she was so much fun to be around. Over the next couple months our relationship solidified, and she became my closest friend. We would go out to hang out at least once a week and texted each other nonstop. I thought our relationship was perfect, except she was keeping one thing away from me. One day, during school she pulled me aside. Her face was as pale as a ghost and she was shaking. I asked her if everything was OK, and she responded with “yeah, but I have to tell you a secret.” I looked at her disconcerted and asked her to go on. She looked at her phone and typed out a message, a simple message, that read "I'm gay." I looked up at her with no response; she was the first gay person I had ever met, and I didn't know what to say. All I could muster out was "It doesn't matter, you're still pretty cool to me." She then hugged me and had to leave. A part of me was fascinated by her because she was gay, and another part of me was terrified because I knew she may help me come to terms with my sexuality, and at this point I wasn't ready to acknowledge that part of my identity. Over the next week or so we hung out almost every day, and I quizzed her about her sexuality because I was fascinated. I asked her who knows, how long have you known, how'd you find out? She answered them all, and I related on every single level which terrified me nonetheless. And finally, she asked me if I was gay. I knew what I wanted to say. I wanted to scream "Yes, men are the sexiest creatures I have ever laid eyes on, and all I wanted to do was kiss one," but instead I responded with "no." She looked at me with disbelief. She was so set on me being gay that she even made me take an "Am I gay quiz," and honestly I thought that whatever this said would prove to me my sexuality. I took it and the answer came back as “straight.” To be honest I was as shocked as she was. But I believed it, and I thought that because this quiz said I was straight then I had to be, no matter what I felt inside. After that afternoon, I had became obsessed with gay quizzes. I took as many as I could find, just to see what they would say. Most of them came back as straight, which shocked me, but a few came back as bi-curious. Many suggested watching gay porn just to see if I felt anything. I thought to myself, “I guess this will prove it.” So I went on Google and typed in "gay porn." Probably a million searches popped up and I was a little scared to go on a website, so I went to google images instead. I clicked images and did not know what to expect or what I would see. It was a wall of dicks inside of men. At first I gasped and suddenly I felt a tightness in my pants and looked down and saw that I was very aroused. I kept scrolling through these images and my mind just told me you want to be in there, having sex with them. It was just too much, so I logged off and turned off my iPad and went to bed trying to convince myself that I was not gay and that I only became erect because these other men had boners and my body wanted to act just like theirs; I know it makes zero sense but this was what I thought at the time. That night it took me forever to fall asleep, but eventually I did. And what happened next was unpredictable to me. I had a dream where I performed oral sex on another man who was hot AF, I might add. During the dream, I remember thinking "Am I gay? What’s going on? I’m so confused." And when I woke up there was a warm surprise waiting for me in my pants. And it didn't take long before I learned this was a wet dream caused by my sexually explicit dream. And I still convinced myself I was straight, but I knew this was not the case. Eventually my friend Blue moved away, and I was left confused again until I met another friend. He happened to be bi as well, and we became good friends too.

At age 13-14:

The next two years were pretty uneventful. I, of course, still took my quizzes and conversed with my bi friend, but I still wasn't 100 percent convinced I was gay. But then I stumbled upon this show called Rupaul's Drag Race; basically a bunch of drag queens compete and as you can probably tell, it was gay as fuck, and I fucking loved every second of it. I watched all eight seasons in probably two weeks, and what I learned was that I should be proud of who I was and should accept me for me. And I think, finally, I had admitted to myself that I was gay. My biggest secret, now in the open, finally,

Over the next year or so, slowly but surely I had come out to a lot of my friends, all of whom supported me completely. Of course, they could already tell I was not straight, but I didn't really care, because it felt really good to finally be who I was and show everyone who I was.

At age 15:

Currently I am a 10th grader and still haven't told my parents. I'm just waiting for the right time I guess, but I know they'll love me completely.

A message to you all:

I hope this helps anyone struggling with their identity, and as you can tell, it took me well over ten years to understand who I was, so don't worry about timing because everything will work itself out. I love you all, and if you made it this far, don’t forget to follow me as an author.