Develop a Female-Led Relationship

How to approach the re-training and re-programming of your husband or boyfriend to improve your relationship.


Why We Should Improve Our Males

We all learn our gender roles from socialisation. This includes school, university, the workplace, the media, and from our parents and families. It's learnt from every single interaction we have with the society we live in, from the time we are born. Since much of society is still largely controlled by men, we learn that men should be in control and, despite many social advances, that it is still a woman's place to look after the home and children.

There are many reasons why a woman may choose a Female-Led Relationship (FLR). In some cases, it's a simple case of a dominant woman and a submissive man and it falls into place naturally. In other cases, a dominant man in the outside world with many responsibilities may prefer the leadership and guidance of a woman in the home environment. In other cases, such as my own, it was a case of recognising the benefits my leadership would bring to our relationship and convincing and then re-programming my man to accept my leadership and direction.

I use the terms re-training and re-programming as men have been trained and conditioned to be how society thinks men should be. So the job of women is to de-programme that conditioning in your man and then re-programme him to be a very different person; one who accepts and enjoys female leadership as the new social paradigm.

Advantages of a Wife/Female Controlled Marriage

There are numerous advantages for a relationship when the lady is leading the marriage or long-term relationship. A Female Led Relationship ensures that the household benefits from streamlined decision making by the woman. Consensus and acceptance is never a good approach to decision making as it leads to compromise. Compromise means that neither party is 100% happy and that any decision is less than optimal. Empowering the wife or girlfriend to make all the decisions brings order, stability, and predictability to a relationship. More than anything, it ensures a lack of dispute and argument and this results in a harmonious relationship. You may at this point ask why a male-led relationship wouldn't bring the same benefits. There are many reasons why it wouldn't but I'll counter the question with the fact that femininity and females generally are less aggressive and look for a harmonious approach when compared to male posturing and aggression. I'll come to this point again when I cover why I prefer males in an FLR to be feminised as part of the FLR and for conflict avoidance.

The dominant woman will make sure that what needs to be done in their home is done at the right time, in the right order and is performed well. In any wife-led marriage, the wife decides what is important for her man to do at any given time. The wife/girlfriend needs to be strict when controlling her man. In situations where the wife has a disagreement with her husband, there is a need to quickly discipline the man before her authority is challenged and the stability of the relationship breaks down. Even once in a well-running FLR, the deep-rooted conditioning of the male can still break out at times.

A wife-led marriage helps men to get over society's unfair demands on and expectations of them. These demands pressure a male to be a leader, a decision maker and the problem solver. This means that what you want your man to learn and what he thinks he needs to learn are often very different things. It's not his fault but that of his societal conditioning. It's the woman's role to teach him how to go beyond that to become submissive to her and that this is the best outcome for the relationship. As a woman, you need him to learn to overcome his bad habits, how to work independently in the home without your guidance and advice, how to find fulfilment as he grows into his new role and how to accept and be comfortable with your leadership. He needs to be taught how to serve your body and please you sexually, to obey your commands without question, be humble with you and to learn to surrender completely.

The Steps to an FLR

There are a number of steps you will need to take to develop an FLR. Here is my own list below. Although I'm sure there have been different approaches, I believe the fundamentals are the same.

1. A list of rules and regulations for the husband/male partner to follow. I suggest they are written down and pinned up. These set the parameters of the relationship, a sort of contract.

2. Establish yourself as the female authority figure. This is achieved in many ways, not least renaming him and insisting on him curtseying (or bowing) to you. I believe that it really helps to cement the different status levels and therefore renaming is important. If your husband or partner is calling you by a cute pet name then the status level is undermined. In my own marriage I insist on being referred to as Mistress. Since I have feminised my husband as part of the FLR process he now has a female name. This approach is very effective and I do encourage it for all FLRs.

3. Remove his bad habits. This includes his personal hygiene, sitting down on the toilet, arguing, removal of machismo, submissiveness and politeness to women and so on. This can take time and is achieved through repetition, coaching and punishment

4. The domestic chores become the role of your male. He should be required to do all the house cleaning and chores including washing and ironing the clothes, cooking, doing the dishes, cleaning the toilet and bath, and all other domestic work in the house. The woman may set out a roster of weekly chores for the man to do each week. Sometimes I like to cook or even do some housework but that would be my choice and is ad-hoc at my discretion.

5. Control his clothing. I believe this to be one of the most important areas to address in any FLR. There are three reasons for this is my mind. Firstly, it enforces his status level and ensures he wears clothing you enjoy seeing him in. Regarding status, people react to clothing as symbols of position and power or of lowly status. Different women employ different techniques here but the key is demonstration of the status differential. The woman is the General, the CEO, the Chief of Police. The man is the private, the admin assistant, the secretary, domestic help. We therefore need to dress them differently. Many women like to keep their men naked at home and I also like this approach and adopt it or variations of it at times. However, in my case I prefer to feminise my husband and make him wear very revealing and very feminine clothing. Short skirts and dresses emphasise his status as a domestic assistant to me. Secondly being naked or being forced to wear feminine clothing makes the male more feminine which is a quality you need to ensure. It helps to strip away any nasty male traits. There are other ways to address this issue but clothing goes a long way to making this reality. Finally, it's just very pleasant to see a man in a skirt, dress or naked.

6. Control sex. Some go for chastity which I use a little. In general I just prefer to be the one who decides. Control of his sexual ejaculations is a power control mechanism even if, as in my case, I allow it frequently.

7. Control the household finances. This includes taking control over the finances and the earnings of the male. He should not be permitted access to any money and should seek permission from the lady for money. It's often best that he requests she make purchases for him to avoid him having money which can allow him to feel empowered and independent. This doesn't mean keeping him in poverty or denying him any treats, it just means overall control. For example, I buy my husband entrance tickets for live football and cricket matches which I don't attend. I then give him a little pocket money to allow him to buy a drink or food. I think regular pocket money is a good idea for him anyway but obviously not too much.

8. Control social activities. The female should be the sole decider of all social activities and control the marriage diary. For example, if going to watch the cinema the Female will decide what film to watch, what seat to sit in and what snacks to eat and drink. That said I will go to films he asks to go to also.

9. Ensure obedience. This is the foundation of any FLR. Discipline is therefore an important element of the relationship to ensure he complies with your wishes. Verbal discipline is the most usual way to ensure obedience but physical discipline is also part of the training and the re-enforcement. Breaches of obedience should always be met with very strict discipline, either removal of rights or physical punishment such as spanking or slapping.

10. Change his demeanour through language. Correct language when addressing women is needed. Males should use appropriate titles such as madam, mistress etc. My own husband address me as mistress and another submissive male we know uses ma'am to address his wife. Curtseying and thanking women for giving instructions is another reminder of the status level and ensures obedience.


Methods to Develop Your FLR

Methods to develop your FLR

When training your man to behave correctly, you don't generally need to use physical punishment. You need to keep in mind that an everyday FLR is a loving relationship so despite the nonsense you may find on the web, you're not turning your man into a slave. What you're doing is creating a hierarchy, a structure and leadership. Here are what I've found to be the steps to changing your relationship and your man.

1. Positive learning with rewards: In general I like to provide a positive learning experience for my husband and I give rewards for goals achieved and for the way he achieves them. I provide him with affection and praise for work well done. Bad behaviour will be met with removal of rights, such as a TV programme he wanted to watch or an event he would have liked to have gone to. These punishments will always be in his mind and drive his behaviour most times. It's important that this isn't just about task-driven reward but also rewarding him for demonstrating long-term retention of his learning.

2. Coaching. It's very possible he won't know how to perform certain tasks well. A good female leader should always be prepared to invest time working with and coaching her male. You should be authoritative and firm but kind. You may demonstrate what is needed and then watch and guide him from the sidelines, providing instructions where necessary and even stepping in to show better ways to do things. Your investment will eventually pay off as he will learn and you can back away to leave him to it. I also check his work on a random basis and provide praise for good work and punishment for bad work.

3. Using a dominant mentor. I found that Alice's training and behaviour has been helped by occasionally bringing in another experienced dominant lady. The change in dynamic seems to help as the other dominant woman has no romantic attachment which can lead to me allowing a softer approach. I have two friends in FLRs who we meet and I encourage the other woman to give my husband orders and to discipline him. She will also provide peer coaching to me, and I may do the same for her. I can recommend this approach to all aspiring female leaders.

4. Punishment. Punishment can be withdrawal of privileges or verbal. The ultimate punishment is physical although in real life this isn't really a painful punishment but rather a slap or spanking. It's more the humiliation than the pain.

Living in an FLR

Living in an FLR

There are many ways therefore that an FLR might work for you, it depends on what you, as a dominant woman, want. However, whatever the level of female leadership in a relationship, retraining and reprogramming of your man is necessary because of the way we are brought up in what was a male-dominated environment. Although we can see this changing, it's far too slow and so we need to think of women such as me, as change-makers, that rather clichéd Business English word to describe someone in the vanguard of change. A large amount of reprogramming and ongoing re-enforcement is necessary to achieve a successful and fully functioning FLR, even in situations where you have achieved nominalisation, the situation where the man is accepting and desirous of a woman's leadership.

In my own marriage, my husband is a confident and assertive person when dealing with the outside world and this is surprisingly common in FLRs. However whether your man is an assertive or submissive personality or, as is more likely, in the range somewhere in between, the objective is the same. A nominalised Female Led Relationship

Alexa Martinez is an author and writer from London who writes about female-led relationships. Her books can be found on Amazon and Kobo under the pen name Lady Alexa. Alexa also writes a blog on the topic of female leadership and male submission at www.ladyalexauk.com

Alexa Martinez
Alexa Martinez

Alexa Martinez is a blogger and author who lives in London. Alexa is an advocate for Female Led Relationships (FLR) and she likes to push the boundaries and challenge the current social constructions with her writing.


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Develop a Female-Led Relationship