Defining Moments in Relationships and How to Deal with Them

Anyone who’s had even short courtships knows there are certain defining moments in relationships that will test the relationship. If you don’t know how to navigate those moments, it may be why you’ve had only short relationships. But it really doesn’t have to be that way if you’ve reached the point that you want a long lasting relationship. Knowing those defining moments in relationships, being able to recognize them and how to deal with them can make all the difference.

The First Kiss? 

Ah, the first kiss. The anticipation. The newness. The butterflies. Each first kiss is different than any other first kiss that came before. But what if you lean in for the first kiss and he/she “leans out”?

It’s not disaster. They just weren’t ready. Don’t try to cover up that you tried for a kiss on the lips and got cheek. And don’t feel dejected. A little levity goes a long way. Laugh it off and the right moment will come, eventually.

The First “Night Over”

Ok, you know what I mean when I say “night over.” It may not even be nighttime! But it’s one of the major defining moments in relationships. And, at the risk of sounding like your mom, it’s best not to rush it because it’s not just a first step. It’s a leap. Taking this leap too soon creates that all too common “honeymoon effect.” Everything is fabulous. You’ve met your soul mate. All is right with your world.

Unless you realize he/she is not your soul mate. Not everything is fabulous and your world could be better. You waste valuable time rushing this step because you run the risk of spending time with someone you shouldn’t have. If it truly is the right person, waiting a little while to take this leap will only help you know that person better.

Meeting the Folks

The dreaded presentation to the parents. Most of us would rather have a root canal than face this defining moment in relationships. But remember, you are dating her or him, not their family. Yes, it’s great and a whole lot easier if her dad asks you to call him, well, Dad. And if everyone got along with their in-laws there wouldn’t be so many in-law jokes. Approach the family the same way you’d want to be approached, with respect, and by trying to see their side of it. Your mate loves his/her family and you love your mate. That is your common ground, no matter how nervous you are for that first meeting.

The First Vacation Together 

This is definitely a tough one, unless you and your mate have exactly identical likes, and ranks right up there with assembling an entertainment center together. On vacation, you’ll see sides of your mate you’ve probably never seen before because the setting is completely different. The most successful vacations are those with honest communication and compromise, because as much as you may want to visit every off-the-beaten-path oddity on Route 66, that may not be your mate’s ideal getaway. Work together to spend time doing things both of you like and that each of you like that the other may not. And don’t underestimate the need for alone time. Some of us need alone time every day. That can be hard to come by on a vacation jam-packed to see everything in a short time period.

“I Love You” 

Saying “I love you” is one of those wonderful defining moments in relationships that we anticipate, hearts aflutter. And when it happens, and you both feel the same, you are the only two people on earth.

But what if your partner stares blankly at you and says “thank you” instead of “I love you, too”? It’s a gamble some of us are terrified of, and most of us have lost that wager, at least once. The best thing is to not rush it. Like the “night over” advice, allow some time to be sure you really feel what you think you feel. And that the feeling is mutual. If you don’t, it can put a real tension on what could be a budding, long-lasting love. It could make things awkward when they don’t need to be. And also like the “night over” advice, saying I love you too soon could put you down a wasted path with someone only to find you don’t really love them, after all.

 First Fight 

Yes, you are going to fight. Even if you’ve found your soul mate and you know you are perfect for each other, the first fight is inevitable. It might be weeks or even months after the first date, but to be sure, it will happen. Remember, people who love each other still fight. It’s natural and actually healthy. A couple that never disagrees is holding something back, for whatever reason.

Since the first fight is one of the absolutely unavoidable defining moments in relationships, don’t be shocked when it does happen and try to be prepared ahead of time. You may not have been angry at each other before, but have you seen your mate angry with someone else? You’re probably going to get the same reaction. It could be not that bad. It could be bad. And it could be ugly. Don’t think that because you two are in love, the anger directed at you will be much different than anyone else. Anger is a base human emotion and it comes from a part of the brain that is all instinct and fight or flight. Try to keep that in mind.

It’s more than likely going to be about something small. Get it out, say your peace and get it over with as soon as possible. One of you has to be the first to try to make up, but don’t keep score. Stay away from silent treatments. They only make you look childish. And don’t go to bed still angry.

Moving in Together

You are spending more than four nights a week at your boyfriend’s place. Your closet has more of your girlfriend’s shoes in it than yours. You have a drawer in her dresser. Guess what, you’re living together, basically. But are you ready to have your mail forwarded? Maybe. Maybe not. The decision to go through with this defining moment in relationships is one of the hardest to make because it’s a lot like popping “the” question. That’s why you need to ask yourself and your mate if you are ready to deal with all the challenges that can come with it.

Before making the move, understand that living together means somewhat limiting your freedom and that you have to be ready for constant compromises. Don’t try to live the dream. Live the realty. If she absolutely has to watch Dancing With Stars every week and you would, uh, prefer not to, get two TVs and avoid the conflict.

Moving in together always seems like a good idea at first, but it can be stressful. Make sure that your relationship is strong enough to weather the ups and downs. Once you’ve made that choice, try to go easy on yourselves. Living together doesn’t mean that you have to forget about personal space. Allow each other to have some “alone” time and your relationship will stay strong and healthy.

The First Anniversary

The first anniversary is an important defining moment in relationships that can’t be overlooked and woe to the boyfriend who forgets the day. Even worse is if you just ignore the first anniversary as insignificant. It’s a big deal and you may have several first anniversaries. First date. First kiss. First night over. Don’t underestimate the power of commemoration and sentimentality. Some people feel that anniversaries are more important than birthdays. You don’t have to go all out or spare no expense. Just a simple candlelight dinner or a walk in the park will do. The goal is to mark this date as special to show how important the relationship is to both of you. How you celebrate your first of potentially many milestones can set the tone for the rest of the relationship.

Engagement 

So, you’re ready to pop the question. You’ve got the ring and you know she’ll say yes. How and where you ask her to marry you are the next things to decide in this most definitely major defining moment in relationships. Now, the Jumbotron at your favorite baseball team’s game may be your idea of romance, just make absolutely certain it’s her idea of romance, too. It’s not that she won’t say yes, but this moment is about both of you.