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Dating Rules of Engagement 

Playing hard to get is scary and foreign to me. I'm a natural rule breaker when it comes to dating.

By Kim StetzPublished 7 years ago 7 min read
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I was once blind but now I see. Could it really be THAT simple? I talk about “a light going off” all of the time when I teach yoga. That ahhhh - now I get it feeling. And now I get it. I like rules and dating rules of engagement should be no exception. What I have refused to do, be, or become one of those women who play games. But that’s the secret if you want to get married according to All the Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. They don’t say to lie or be a bitch, you can be you, but you don’t have to give so much so fast. This makes sense. But this is not the epiphany moment for me. A man says he doesn’t like games or bitchy women and this can be perfectly true, but what he fails to tell you (of course he’s not going to make it easy on you, why would he?) is that he wants the chase, the challenge, to win YOU.

If you don’t allow him the satisfaction of doing that by your being so accommodating, nice and AVAILABLE, then he will get bored and want to win someone else over. Let’s not forget ladies, he is a man which means he is competitive by nature, likes sports (perhaps even gambles), and is a hunter in the primitive sense of the word. He is practically begging for you to be the one, but he’s not going to tell you don’t make it easy on me. You on the other hand (if you are single, over 30, free spirited, interesting, as honest and sweet as they come) only want to make your life easier by making his life easier and this is a fatal mistake. At first he will think it’s refreshing to have met someone who isn’t a whiney, pain in the ass, spoiled, dependent, princess, but rest assured he will somewhere down the road realize that you were not a challenge. YOU didn’t allow him the opportunity to feel like a warrior or prince who had to fight the other eligible opponents for your heart. You just gave your heart to him and now he’s bored. Yes, my love, you did it and this is the realization that I have recognized in myself.

It’s not him it is ME, contrary to what my beloved girlfriends and even exes say. They couldn’t pin point my problem and thankfully I have.

Putting 'All The Rules' to Work

Now, I am putting All the Rules to work. It’s scary and foreign playing hard to get. Always remember that people want what they can’t have, men and women alike. Even you and that’s why you are hung up on the guy that didn’t want you in the first place. Move on, use All the Rules, and be with someone that does want you as much as you want them and play the game.

I met Dan on an online dating website. I always let the man contact me (exhibiting Rules behavior without trying and that’s about where my natural instinct for All the Rules ends). Dan texted me on a Sunday morning. His photos were cute enough though I could do without the particular facial hair design. He would not have made it past the photo screening had he been wearing a tank top of ANY kind or a baseball cap. It’s OK to wear a baseball cap in person, though limited and not every time I see him. The texting banter was fun. He asked if I wanted to do something crazy. Like what? He said meet for breakfast. Not so crazy in my world so I felt like being spontaneous on a Sunday morning and sure, it would be fun.

“Oh, I am sorry, but I have plans already,” is what All the Rules wanted me to say. Even if it meant it was time for me to reorganize my closet and clean out the dust bunnies swirling around my collection of unworn fancy shoes. He DOESN’T need to know what I am doing, just that I am happily busy and busily happy. But no, easy going, hippy-chick, up for a spontaneous breaking of fast with a stranger, accepts the invite and arrives showered and presentable in 30. One would think every guy's dream - no fuss, no muss can take her anywhere. I’ve been fooling myself.

They Will Wait. They Always Do. 

The meet and greet was actually quite fun and there was a spark. His attire needed work, but clothes do not make the man in my book. Those little details can be worked on (except aforementioned tank top which represents a whole breed of man altogether). After our lovely meal, we went to the bookstore. He bought a book for me (nice) and wanted my recommendations on what to read because I had read half of the books on the display table. I piled him up with a few of my most recently devoured novels and off we went.

The flirting in the book store was good, a little touchy feely here and there, but what he didn’t have to say, and why do men do this on the first date ALWAYS “Do you like St. Barths? Great place for reading.” OK, it’s not always St. Barths, but you know what I am saying. They allude to taking you on some romantic get away within the first two hours of conversation. At least this happens to me more often than not. I now feel the unusually warm sunny day in NYC spike to about 80 with visions of lounging on a striped toweled beach chair, face shaded by the umbrella, body soaking up the sun.

We walked east towards my place, it is now around 1:00pm and we sit in the park. If I am a Rules girl, I can stay with him for up to five hours on a first date (I think), but then that’s it. Remain a mystery until the next date. After fun and light conversation, I am naturally good at that (and for a reminder on how to be like that watch 13 Going on 30) we decide to part ways and he asks me for dinner that night at one of my favorite restaurants, Supper. What do I say? Of course I say, yes therefore breaking a basic rule. Now I have been available TWICE on the fly and setting an ugly precedent for our dating life.

He loved that I ate a hearty breakfast and now a three course meal and drinks – just my share of splitting a bottle of wine. I love food and not afraid to show it. Nothing in All the Rules about that, thank God! Overall, we had a really nice time and I definitely wanted to see him again and he wanted to see me. Of course he paid the check. This part I know, I never even pretend to go for the bill. Paying the check has nothing to do with me. Men like that.

Dan is a successful man, lives in a fancy loft in Tribeca, and wanted to show me all he needs now is the wife and kids. Looks enticing, but like the vacation bait, don’t bite it. Be aloof. You’ve lived in apartments like this before, no big deal. We had a nice fancy dinner - did I have the sense to get in a cab and go home? This is the third date mind you in a week. The answer is NO. I went upstairs with him (the loft trick worked – sucker), opened a bottle of wine (of course we drank one with dinner) and we made out on the couch, down the hall, and into the king sized cozy bed. Too much! Stop now, you should be yelling at me. GO HOME! I tell myself that I am not a slut, it has been awhile since I’ve had some action, but do I tell him so that he knows I am not a slut? No, you say nothing and go home, so he SEES you are not a slut! In the back of my head I hear my sister’s voice chiming, “No blow jobs on the second date, or third.” She knows I can contain myself on date number one.

Now I am wearing his UPenn shorts and a tank I happen to have been wearing and called this acceptable PJ wear for a sleepover because, wait, why am I sleeping over? Do I live out of state? Did I lose my keys? No, I actually live a ten minute cab ride away and I just want to snuggle. It’s been so long. We didn’t get any sleep, we all know how this kind of night goes. The morning finds us proud of ourselves for not exchanging body fluids other than good old spit and keeping it above board, he offers for me to stay in bed and sleep. I decline and rummage for my clothes some here and some there later to be told that he found my earrings in the couch – they had fallen out of my back pocket when my jeans came off. I did not mean to have a leave behind. At this point, I have broken at least every rule thus far. We part ways, he puts me in a cab first, though it is raining and he’s late for work. I think I have a keeper, but I am an idiot.

advicehumanityfeminism
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About the Creator

Kim Stetz

Kim is a creative New Yorker educated with decades of mindful yoga practice, teaching, and street savvy. She holds an LMSW, lives, works and plays in NYC and the PNW.

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