Dating Miss Manners

My perfect first date would be for a hot guy to take me out to dinner and NOT try to get me to go back to his place. No blowjobs or sex on the first date, and if I do that it means I don’t want to see you again. If you make it to two dates I usually will have sex with you. But before we get there let me tell you about what I like in a date:

– Good hygiene! I can’t stress that enough. I like a man who is clean enough to eat dinner off of. I don’t like men who smell like Axe deodorant, or any kind of cheap or tacky body spray. I like the smell of clean, old-fashioned soap and water. I like Dove soap, but pretty much any soap will do.

– I like Mexican restaurants because I’m crazy about tacos, but the man should take control of our first date and pick the restaurant. I usually pick the restaurant for the second date. I’m not into movie dates until I really know the person. Movies cut getting to know you time in half because you can’t talk. And if you talk about the movie you just saw and disagree about it, you’ve already had your first fight. I don’t like “Chick Flicks” because they are so 90s and most of them want to make you cry. Who needs that?

– I don’t want to know your salary right away, I don’t want to know if you’re taking a happy pill like Viagra or Prozac, or anything like that. I also don’t need to know how many times you like to come in a day. A lot of men think because they have heard me on SiriusXM or seen my movies or centerfolds that they tell me these things on a first date, but even if you know what my boobs look like, it doesn’t mean we are already on intimate terms. This one guy told me on a first date, “I don’t need anything to get it up.” Hello, TMI!

– I know a lot of women put sense of humor on the top of the list for qualities they look for in a man, but not me. I don’t want to date a clown. I don’t want to date men that have a sense of humor because those are the guys who always try to be the life of the party. I want them to be cool and relaxed. I’m not an audience. All comedians are clowns to me, and it turns out they are all suicidal and depressed. Look at Robin Williams, that’s all I’m saying.

– Now a lot of people say you shouldn’t drink on a first date. Not for me. I like to have two to five drinks on the first date. If he can handle you drunk, he can handle you sober, he can handle you on your period, so get drunk, ladies! Your tipsy is your truth! Let him see the real you right away.

– Body language is definitely important. Don’t get so close to me. Don’t talk to someone too close, but close enough that you can touch shoulders. You’re still getting comfortable around the person and they are still getting comfortable around you. But, of course, don't stay too far away. I say close enough reach out to for a finger pop, that’s about the right distance.

– Once you’ve had the first dinner date it’s nice to get creative with your dates and actually do something together. I went on one date to the Statue of Liberty, that was cool, we didn’t go inside but we enjoyed the boat ride very much, it was a nice day and it was romantic.