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When I'm not being a home-wrecker, I spend my time sleeping with many unfamiliar faces (whether it be men I match on dating apps, meet in clubs, or come across in my day to day university life). By the time I was 19, I'd slept with around 25 different guys, most of them only on one occasion.
The sex is never really that good — it's the emotional impact that it has on me. I recently got asked the question, "What's the best sex you have ever had?" and in all honesty, I couldn't think of a time that stood out from the rest. The usual routine of: 1) going down on a guy for the best part of five minutes and then 2) proceeding to messy, awkward vaginal intercourse, is not erotic enough to put in even the worst of pornos. As I said, it's the way I feel mentally that motivates me to do it. When a guy finds me attractive enough to sleep with, it negates all my loathing of my own appearance, and makes me feel special and wanted. I even appreciate that I'm probably just "easy" and that the men don't do it because they really fancy me, but that feeling still prevails.
Honestly, I couldn't pin-point the real reason that I'm a cheating, lying, monogamy-phobe. I guess a person has to have a pretty rough childhood to be so negligent of other people's feelings and not bat an eyelid. Maybe it runs in my genetics. My mum has been known to cheat on husbands, boyfriends — the lot. Maybe as a child I looked up to her, and therefore in my adult life, those actions just become the norm. I couldn't tell you. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist.
I'm not always the cheater, though. On multiple occasions, I've been the one who someone has cheated on their partner with. I'd like to lie and say I didn't know they had a partner, but I did. Again, there was an overwhelming feeling of being seen as "special" — if you prefer me over your girlfriend then I must be something good. It wasn't any better than the rest. There was no sneaking around or risky behavior. I just went back to their uni halls after a heavy night of clubbing, and had drunken, messy sex (usually for about five minutes until one of us gave up) and then got kicked out to avoid their girlfriend seeing a drunken, naked girl laying flat-out on the single bed. Unfortunately, one of the guys was from my university course, so I had to awkwardly bump into him every now and again and pretend we didn't even know each other.
I can picture people reading this and wondering why I do it. Cheating isn't as glamorous as Hollywood depicts. There are no secret affairs with rich business men in a New York Penthouse. What there is, is one-night stands with immature university boys and a lot (and I mean a lot) of lying. I don't know why I do it. But I do. And honestly, I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said I didn't enjoy it.
A lot of the time I blame it on the fact that I "prefer hanging out with guys than girls." Which, yes, to an extent is true. But, you don't have to sleep with a guy to hang out with him. I'll usually tell my boyfriend at the time when we first start dating that I have a lot of boy friends, as to evade suspicion if someone was to see me hanging out with a boy somewhere and report it back to him. Don't get me wrong, I do have platonic boy friends, whom I would never dream of having sex with (well, maybe I would), and that's okay. It's just, a lot of the time, hanging out with boys leads to kissing boys which ultimately leads to... well, you know where.
Boyfriend number 3, Chris, knows this all too well. This was an on-off relationship which wasn't that serious, but it did total to around five months. I really fell hard for him, and for once in my life I did believe that I could be monogamous. I think he felt the same too, because he freaked out and started coldly ignoring me for weeks on end and then suddenly appearing back like nothing was wrong. Now, this would really piss me off, and, I'm not proud of this, but I would send passive-aggressive messages to him that I was going to see one of my boy mates and then, when he asked if we'd had any sexual encounters, I'd say yes and he'd do the exact same with girls. This toxic relationship really messed us both up (even when I thought I couldn't get any more so), and when it eventually ended, I was even more scared of committal to extreme levels. Once again, I fell back into the old ways of one-night stands to pick my self-esteem back up off the ground. I was as far away from looking for a relationship when, on one night, I went home with a guy named Ryan (a funny, tall, brunette guy with the most amazing curly hair I'd ever seen), and things just started to propel from there onwards, leading to the introduction of boyfriend number 4...