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After breaking up with my first boyfriend, the urges for sex with random strangers became more and more overwhelming. I don't know what appealed me to it so much—I usually put it down to being so insecure that I use this to feel wanted and validated. Although, that's what I tell myself—I might just be an awful person, who knows.
I'd be jealous of my prettier, skinnier, better looking friends, if a male that I fancied (or even one I didn't find that particular attractive, I just wanted to screw) was more interested in them, it was like an internal competition. If my better looking friends got attention from 2 or 3 boys, maybe kissed them, I'd attempt to kiss more or even sleep with one just to top it. It became an addiction. It happened every time I went out, to the point that I'd disappear from my friends within 10 minutes of being in the club to go home with some strange man to have less than satisfactory sex, and wake up in the morning feeling like crap.
My second boyfriend was shortly after my first, although indisputably between some raunchy one-night stands in the short period of being single. He was a lovely guy, but I knew deep down (actually, pretty much on the surface) that I was not ready to be tied down again. Although, I went along with it, because I loved the attention and having someone be there for me, and eventually love me.
That's my problem. I crave this constant attention from a cornucopia of men, yet I want to be with that one person that loves me and treats me right. That's why I can't help but cheat. Some may say that you can help it. "If you don't want to do it, then just don't." But, I genuinely think it's just something embedded deep within—a self-conscious little girl who craves the constant attention of the opposite sex. I want it to be like the movies—I want to be the girl that walks into a room and everyone either wants to be her, or be with her and this routine somewhat satisfies that need, in its own, peculiar, round-a-bout way.
When I first cheated on my second boyfriend, Craig, it again was just a kiss. I was in a club and I saw a Scottish guy who was just my type—so I carried out the old "catching eye-contact" routine and then, before I knew it, I was kissing him. But, this soon progressed with other men. Before I knew it, I was kissing multiple different guys on every night out behind my boyfriend's back. My excuse was, because we hadn't made it "official," he wasn't technically my boyfriend and therefore it was OK. Obviously, that is not the case. I ended up sleeping with a guy I knew one night who himself had a girlfriend, and honestly it was better than anything I'd ever had before (this being compared to the two virgins I'd previously had sex with). I again felt an initial wave of guilt so I swiftly confessed to him, and he forgave me—although I doubt he ever really got over it. I realized after, that this guilt was in fact just because I was scared one of his friends would find out and tell him. It wasn't remorse at all. I vowed that I would never do it again, but when he went on holiday, I went back to that guy's house and did it again. As you can imagine, I broke up with Craig a month or so later.
Now, I know what you may be thinking. That this is atrocious, sinful behavior and that I'm some sort of "slut," "whore," "she-devil"—whatever you want to call it. But I know that it's not all that uncommon. I have a strong belief that humans aren't supposed to be monogamous. Why would we all cheat on our partners, or at least constantly think about someone else, if we were supposed to stay as a couple all our lives? It just doesn't add up. Most people just don't act on it, which is where I fall down. I can promise you I'm not a bad person. I just make mistakes. A lot of mistakes.
There is probably other thoughts running through your mind. "She's probably riddled with STD's," "she's probably had 754 abortions," "she's probably got a huge, loose vagina." And my answer to all those questions is no. I am always safe with sex. Just because I have cheated doesn't mean I lose any respect and care for my body, my health and my safety. I have recently been tested for STDs on multiple occasions and I can assure you, I'm in the all clear. And, along with that point, I always use an effective method of contraception—I'm too young to have a baby right now, thank you very much. And finally, read a book. Vaginas do not lose elasticity based on how many sexual partners you have—I like to think mine has retained tip-top shape.
I feel like you all need a further insight into my weird and wonderful sex life, even the parts that aren't the juicy, gossipy stuff about cheating, so I shall explain that to you next time.