Common Misconceptions About Polyamory

Hello! For the readers that don't know me personally, I am polyamorous (GASP!). Shocking. I know. It's 2018, and there are tons of misconceptions regarding polyamory. It's been around for way longer than I've been alive, but it's only recently becoming more mainstream in society. OKCupid even added a polyamory feature on their site recently, which is actually pretty amazing.

Even though polyamory is becoming more normalized in mainstream society, there are still negative stereotypes that are being perpetuated. I see people all the time that make a sour face or make comments like "That's wrong" or "I could NEVER share my partner with anyone else!" on a regular basis. Now, I can understand having reservations about the possibility of exploring an alternative relationship structure. It's unfamiliar and even a little scary for some people. It can seem complicated and not worth the effort for many people, and that's okay. We can still educate ourselves and try to understand what's going on on the other side of the fence. It could help make our world a safer place for individuals in alternative relationships. I'm here to help clear the air and shed light on what non-monogamy really is.

1. Polyamory is just cheating with extra steps.

I've heard this statement dozens of times. In order for it to be polyamory, there MUST be communication. On the other hand, in order for it to be cheating, there must be secrecy. You can't really have both at the exact same time. However, it is possible to cheat in a poly relationship. All that has to happen is for one partner to see a new partner without their other partner(s) knowing anything about it. That's definitely cheating, and it's definitely unnecessary.

2. It's just a bunch of big orgy parties and sleeping around.

This one makes me giggle a little bit. In the book More Than Two by Eve Rickert, the author states that there are as many types of polyamory as there are polyamorous people. That's one wide variety, and the statement couldn't be truer! Your relationship can be as unique as you and your partner(s), and the best way to work out your dynamic is to communicate openly about it.

3. Polyamorous people are full of STDs.

Now this one's just rude. First, it is never okay to assume someone's sexual health based on their age, race, religion, sex, gender, orientation or relationship dynamic. Second, it is wrong to assume that an individual or group of individuals don't or won't take appropriate measures to protect their sexual health and/or the sexual health of their partner(s). Condoms are a must for me, and I know it's a must for many others, too. Third, it is never ok to assume someone's sexual health. Period. Especially if you are not sexually active with that person and don't plan to be, it's none of your business. If you have been or want to be sexually active with an individual, ask them about their sexual health in a comfortable, private setting, but don't forget to return the favor by also disclosing your own status before any sex happens. Protect your health.

4. Polyamorous people are greedy and will sleep with anyone.

I'm about to let you in on a secret that just might blow your mind. Ready?

Not all non-monogamous people want to date/have sex with any and everyone with a pulse! Just like everyone else, we can be picky. Sometimes, we can be pickier about our partner(s) than the average person for a variety of reasons. We all have a type that we like, and that's perfectly okay.

5. Polyamory is some kind of fetish or kinky thing.

Not everyone that identifies as non-monogamous is into BDSM (but if you are, that's 100% fine, too!). There are plenty of people that are completely vanilla that are poly. We come in all shapes, colors, origins and lifestyle varieties.

6. Non-monogamous people play favorites with their partners.

Unfortunately, this one has the possibility of being true in some situations. Polyamory/non-monogamy isn't perfect, just like conventional monogamous relationships. However, this isn't the case for all alternative relationship structures. Often, people see love as this finite resource that you can run out of, and the fact is, it's not. Love is, in reality, an idea. It's an emotional concept that every human on this planet is capable of obtaining and sharing. The only difference between non-monogamous and monogamous relationships is the former consciously chooses to share their love with more than one person with the knowledge and consent of all parties directly involved. Is it possible to end up in a situation where you may feel that you don't measure up to another partner, and therefore feel the need to compete with them. That's a painful and toxic experience, and in an ideal world, wouldn't happen.

I hope this article was helpful, and gave you a bit of insight on the world of non-monogamy. The non-monogamous community is a community of individuals that love to share our love with more than one person, and like doing it in a safe, healthy and sane manner. No two polyamorous relationships are exactly alike, and that's okay! If you want to learn more about polyamory, please feel free to check out the book More Than Two by Eve Rickert or check out the podcast Poly Weekly. There are plenty of other resources out there on the subject, those just happen to be my favorite.

Stay happy. Stay safe. Take care of each other, and don't forget to spread love and kindness wherever you go.