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We all know how open I am about sex and how I love to tell stories about my countless sexual encounters. Sex is amazing, there's no denying that, but it's my vice and it has been since I lost my V card. Anytime I'm irritated or sad or angry or even happy, I turn to sex. Most people see sex as an intimate experience between two people who are in love. Some even say you give a piece of your soul when you have sex. But for me, sex is just something to take my mind off of everything, to turn my brain off for a moment, and enjoy the act.
I've never thought of sex as something important to a relationship. I didn't see it as a way of being close to someone. I never valued the intimacy that comes with having sex with someone you care about. It was medicine to my pain, it was a bandaid to an open wound, it was my go-to for any and everything that was happening in my life. It never held any kind of value, it was just an act I needed and craved on a daily.
Too much of anything can become a problem. People who drink too much become alcoholics and can't function without a drink. People who smoke can barely make it through an hour of work without getting irritated and needing to puff a cigarette. It's the same with sex, not being able to have sex when I want it has caused me to turn to others and do things that later in life I've regretted. Sex has caused so many problems with people who I've cared about all because I cared more about myself and my needs.
I've avoided relationships for a reason. I can say it's because I don't want to get hurt or don't want to get too attached to someone. Truth is, I avoid relationships because I'll end up cheating. If I want sex and you say no I'll just go find someone else and then I'm a cheater, and I become someone I hate. I don't get into relationships because sex becomes boring and mundane with the same person. I like variety and I like certain things at certain times. A lot of people don't like the same thing. At one point, I had four different partners because they all were into different things, but none of them would do everything I was looking for.
I've been doing a lot to change who I am. I've been meditating and focusing on finding who the real me is. I've given up partying and drinking. I've given up social media and toxic relationships. But I realized sex is my biggest downfall. Sex is the biggest issue I've had in my life for a really long time. The longest I've ever gone without sex is six weeks and that's only because I had kids and was forced to wait six weeks. I've lied many times to guys saying I've gone months without sex, but truth is, I'm always sleeping with someone. Sex is my go-to and it's time I finally change and fix my problems without turning to sex.
I've done some difficult things in life from getting off social media for over a year, to moving out of state with no money and no job, to giving up a child for adoption, and now to giving up a vice I've had for over 10 years. I've done some crazy things, a lot I'm proud of and some I'm ashamed of, but this is going to be one of those proud moments. I know it's going to be a very difficult road with lots of struggles and a ton of doubters, but I'm doing this for me and no one else. This is my time to really dig deep and find who I am and how I'm capable of handling situations while being completely abstinent from sex. For some, this is an easy task, but for me, this is very difficult. I'm so ready for this new journey in my life. Now to just find a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting I can attend.