Filthy is powered by Vocal.
Vocal is a platform that provides storytelling tools and engaged communities for writers, musicians, filmmakers, podcasters, and other creators to get discovered and fund their creativity.
How does Vocal work?
Creators share their stories on Vocal’s communities. In return, creators earn money when they are tipped and when their stories are read.
How do I join Vocal?
Vocal welcomes creators of all shapes and sizes. Join for free and start creating.
To learn more about Vocal, visit our resources.Show less
Over the years, I've heard a lot of terms being thrown around to describe the same problem: Dead Bedrooms, Lesbian Bed Death, Sexless Marriages...
Around one out of every 10 couples will have a moment where their sex life dies — either temporarily or permanently. Most people who end up in sexless marriages don't know what caused it, or why it happened to them. Speaking as someone who's done a lot of studying on the matter, I've come up with a couple of reasons as to why it happened.
So, if you're wondering what caused sex to drop off, here are the biggest causes of a sexless marriage.
If you're lucky, it may be a health problem at hand.
I know, I know. Saying you're "lucky" for having a sick partner is not exactly the nicest-sounding thing in the world. However, this is often the only time a sexless marriage can be fixed.
Hormones are a serious factor when it comes to libido and attraction — and if there's been a massive dip in your partner's estrogen or testosterone, then it can and will affect your partner's libido. The most common reasons this happens is due to a change in birth control, childbirth, or in the case of men, aging.
Depression, too, can affect a person's libido. After all, when you're feeling down in the dumps, sex is the last thing on your mind. If you've ever been depressed, you'd understand why this is one of the leading causes of a sexless marriage.
Thankfully, these issues, if addressed, are usually fixable with the right medication. If you feel like this may be an issue, talking to your partner about it can help put things back on track.
Your partner lost attraction for you.
More often than not, this is what's causing the dead bedroom to happen. Many of the people who are in these relationships, for one reason or another, don't want to break up with their partner — so they keep them around by blaming hormones or coming up with other excuses.
Nobody wants to actually tell someone they're dating or married that they no longer find them sexy or attractive. It's a terrible thing to say, and it also makes you look like a jerk regardless of whether or not you want to be a jerk. No matter what happens in this situation, one partner will be hurt and the other will look terrible.
So, the unattracted partner will stay silent and will come up with excuses to avoid the doctor's office or counseling. If this is the case, a blunt talk and a serious discussion about what can be done might be in order. After all, not talking about it will lead you to being strung along even longer.
While it is one of the most brutal causes of a sexless marriage, you might be able to get the spark back if your partner remembers why they fell for you in the first place. However, if it's gotten to this point, getting that spark back may be impossible.
There's someone else.
I'll be honest, from what I've seen online, this is one of the most common causes of a sexless marriage. You can't rule this out as a cause.
A lot of people have a high libido — but only with one person at a time. If you notice that sex dwindled when it used to be blazing hot and wild, and there's no marked explanation why an affair could be the source of the dead bedroom.
Other times, that "someone else" is an addiction to porn. Some people actually get desensitized to normal sex when they watch too much porn and become more interested in porn than a typical roll in the hay.
Either way, if they are spending more time thinking about porn or sex with someone else, it's often time to call it quits.
Stress is an issue.
Every single relationship will come with stresses of some sort. Major spikes in stress are common enough and are almost expected during certain major life events.
Stress is another major cause of a sexless marriage, especially when it's combined with kids and hormone issues. When people are stressed, the last thing they want to do is have sex.
The funny thing about this is that stress can actually be reduced by sex. But, actually getting yourself to do the deed in the first place can be a challenge. It's a vicious cycle, but it can be broken with the right counseling and therapy.
Resentment has crept in and changed the relationship for the worse.
One of the funny things about being in a long term relationship is that we often do little things that are annoying, upsetting, or otherwise inconvenient for our partners. Over time, if we do too many of these things, people start getting resentful.
When you're feeling resentful towards someone, the last thing you ever want to do is sleep with them. As a result, this is one of the bigger causes of a sexless marriage for people who have been married for several years.
Unfortunately, marriage counselors say that resentment, once it's there, is nearly impossible to get rid of.
They have issues dealing with sex or their bodies.
Some causes of a sexless marriage are actually pretty easy to spot before they happen. Or, at least, they tend to have clues that show themselves right off the bat.
Sexual trauma, self-esteem issues, or hangups about sex due to a super-strict childhood can and do wreck marriages. In fact, one of the most common issues in many Evangelical marriages is the fact that women are afraid to be sexual with their husbands because they're constantly taught how "dirty" sex is.
Thankfully, this often shows up way before marriage — and typically means that there was always an issue with sex. If you notice warning signs of this kind of issue, bowing out and letting them get the help they need is often the best option.
They're using sex as a weapon.
In some abusive relationships, withholding sex becomes a way to hurt your partner. If your partner regularly makes mean comments towards you, asks you to do stuff in exchange for sex, or otherwise acts like your needs don't matter, then it could be that they are using sex as a weapon.
This is never acceptable, and is a pretty clear indicator that you should leave.
Or, at very worst, they never loved you to begin with.
Sad to say, but this is one of the causes of a sexless marriage that I've seen. Some people marry or date others to meet an ulterior goal — such as getting an upscale lifestyle they otherwise couldn't afford, being able to say they're married to someone, or to have kids.
Unfortunately, we live in a world of very selfish people, and figuring out who's worth dating can be hard.
If you get the feeling that they are using you, or that they are with you for the wrong reasons, this may be the cause of your dead bedroom. In this case, it's not only a sexless marriage. It's a loveless one, too.