Can You Truly Be a Dominant?

If you're not their Primary partner?

Can someone completely accept your submission if they are in a primary relationship with another person that can end your relationship with your at any time, or if they don’t have time to tend to your needs each day? On the flip side of that, can a submissive truly submit if they have a primary partner that can make decisions superseding those of the Dominant, or even end the relationship all together? I guess that would depend on an individual’s needs. If you’re only looking for a sexual Dominant, maybe those needs can be met in an arrangement like this. That isn’t the type of arrangement that would fulfill my needs though. I don’t think I’d feel I had the authority and control I desire as a Dominant in an arrangement designed this way.

When I first entered the scene, I had play partners that were polyamorous, and play partners that were in open relationships where I wasn't their primary partner. Though I identify as a Dominant now, and was Dominant by nature then, when I was with them I wasn’t able to truly be their Dominant. At least not to the depth I wanted or actually needed to fully express the Dominant that lives inside me. I was smart enough to know that the situation I was in, as a married man to a vanilla wife, that I wasn’t available to be someone’s Dominant. I didn’t have the time or emotional availability.

Now if I had been more aware of myself at the time, and more experienced I might have known that I shouldn’t have engaged in play with some of my previous play partners, or established relationships with them. I wasn’t in a place where I could explore what I desired, and I see now that was unfair to them. They couldn’t completely offer me all of what I desired (even though I wasn’t completely aware of my desires). Though they were amazing people, and I was sexually attracted to them, and they were clear with me about their primary partners and how their relationship worked, I wasn’t in a place to make any of that work. Especially if I wasn’t able to give their primary relationship the respect it deserved and still deserves.

In fact, I owe an apology to more than one person. Not just to previous play partners, but to their primary partners as well. Looking back, I see that my struggle to find my Dominance in a situation where it wasn’t completely available was problematic, to say the least. I think it brought out a competitive and territorial part of me that was actually kind of ugly. I wasn’t really conscious it was happening at the time, but that’s not an excuse. How can a person accept submission from someone, and exert control over them, when they don’t even have control of their own emotions? I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now, but at least I’m aware now and can say I’m sorry that I was an ass.

The good news is, we all grow, or at least we should be growing on this journey. We’re going to make mistakes. The key is to own them, learn from them, apologize for them, and move forward.

So, can you truly be a person’s Dominant if you’re not their primary partner, or can you be someone’s submissive if you have a primary partner that can end your D/s relationship or even just preempt it the Dominant’s commands? In my opinion, I don’t think so. At least I wouldn’t be able to get a D/s relationship at the depth I want or need. It might be a different story for others, and I’d love to hear your story if you have been able to achieve this. I know there isn’t only one true way to do Kink, but I truly don’t understand how you can submit to a person when you have another partner that can end that relationship or even just preempt it.

This writing is specifically about living the D/s relationship from my point of view and not being Dominant in the bedroom for scenes only. This is an opinion piece, and should not be taken as the only way this works.

Additionally, I’m seeing this will be hard for me to keep up with and work my day job. I’ll do my best!


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