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Biphobia

Or How to Understand People Who Identify as Bisexual

By Camille PéloquinPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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I already hear you say on a skeptical tone, “Biphobia?” Yes, biphobia. Too many people think that biphobia is just a subcategory to homophobia, if they even know the word. Too many people think that homophobia includes biphobia and transphobia, because it seems that all the LGBTQ2A+ live the same experience, that most people treat us all the same, even if society admits that we are treated differently from cisgender and heterosexual people.

In my mother tongue, French, the words biphobia, transphobia, and cisgender don’t even exist! That illustrates perfectly how our society doesn’t acknowledge these phenomena.

Amnesty International brings up some differences between homophobia and biphobia. First, bisexual people are judged just as much from the LGBT+ community as they do from heterosexual and cisgender people. Indeed, it seems that the label “bisexual” isn’t precise enough. Many claim that “it’s a phase.” Others say that the person is homosexual when they are in a relationship with someone from the same gender, then heterosexual when they are in a relationship with someone from the opposite gender. Some say “it’s just experiences” or even “he/she doesn’t know what he/she wants, but eventually, he/she will make a choice.” For girls, people add “she’s looking for boy’s attention.” A lot of people just don’t expect boys to be attracted by both genders.

Let’s start from the beginning. A person is bisexual if they are attracted physically, mentally, or emotionally by people from each gender. This is not a universal definition, some will only include one type of attraction. If we agree on seeing sexual orientation and gender identity as continuums, we can understand that each person is somewhere on an abstract diagram.

Therefore, sexual orientation isn’t black or white; it’s not only heterosexuality or homosexuality. It’s also everything in between and everything out of it. There’s a whole world out of these words.

The next step is to understand that it’s not the percentage of heterosexual or homosexual relationships that defines a person’s sexual orientation, but their feeling. It’s possible that someone prefers homosexual relationships. This doesn’t mean that they will always be with people from the same gender or that they’re not bisexual. It simply means that they prefer homosexual relationships.

Let’s compare sexual orientation to food preferences. I know, you think it’s a weird comparison, but let me try something.

I have a “sugar tooth.” I adore sugar. I still eat vegetables, nuts, tofu, chips, bread, beans, water. It doesn’t mean that I don’t like sugar. It’s possible that I don’t want to eat sweet food for a while, that I eat other food.

Furthermore, bisexual people often hear criticism towards their ability to be faithful in an exclusive relationship. They are often perceived as attracted to every single human being and a lot of people think they can’t control their sexual desire.

The thing is, bisexual people can be attracted to both genders. Can. Not will. This doesn’t mean that they need both genders to be happy in a relationship. This means that they might like someone, whether it’s a boy or a girl. I like sugar, but I also like salt. I don’t always need sweet and salty food to like what I eat. If I ate ice cream, I won’t eat chips because I need salt, too. Ice cream might be enough.

Moreover, bisexual people aren’t attracted by everything that breaths, just like homosexual people aren’t attracted by everyone from their gender, just like heterosexual people aren’t attracted by everyone from the opposite gender. I have a “sweet tooth,” but I don’t like cheesecake nor pudding, nor flan, nor chewing gum.

Bisexual people are not any worse at controlling their desire than everyone else. Having a greater variety on the menu doesn’t mean you’ll eat more. I like brownies, chocolate mousse, ice cream, pies, and chocolate bars, but I won’t eat these on the same day.

Let’s go back to the famous labels tagged, untagged, and retagged by mister, missis, mynobleperson everyone (I know this isn’t proper English; this comes from a French expression “Monsieur, madame tout le monde”, meaning people who pretend to know something) it would be important to understand sexual orientation’s complexity. Even in 2017, in Quebec, Canada, identifying yourself as a “sexual minority” makes your life harder than being “normal.” It requires introspection, analysis, comprehension, openness, acceptation, identification, courage, integrity, self-respect, and self-esteem. It’s not a choice; it’s something that I learn, that I understand, that I express.

And when I say, “I learn,” I mean that I learn to love myself this way, to accept this singularity as a part of me. It’s often a long and very complex process that brings a person to identify to a sexual orientation minority. Even if a person has essentially homosexual or heterosexual practices due to preferences after a period of varied practices, it doesn’t mean that this person just likes this, that bisexuality was a phase. It simply means that this person prefers one gender or the other. That’s all.

It always makes me laugh to hear people decide a sexual orientation for another.

“Of course, he’s gay; have you heard the way he talks? And his hair!”

“It’s vain to flirt with her; she’s a lesbian; she plays hockey and dresses like a boy. And she has short hair.”

“Yeah, he finally says he’s gay; he’s had the same boyfriend for two years.”

“It was just a phase, she’s heterosexual; she just had sex with one girl.”

The first comments are just prejudices based on gender-associated behavior, but it’s important to specify that sexual orientation and gender identity aren’t necessarily linked. The last comments are contradicted par facts that I explained before. Only the person itself can know without any doubt what attracts them or not.

In the end, bisexuality isn’t a phase; it doesn’t explain unfaithfulness or attraction for every human being; it’s not a way to get attention or a moment of uncertainty. Now that you know what it’s not, I still hope that you know that it exists, that it can be identified by the person itself and that it doesn’t give you any right to give your opinion about it.

What to do, then? Nothing. Listen. Wait. If you have questions, ask yourself if you would ask them to a heterosexual person. If you wouldn’t ask your heterosexual best friend if she uses a strap-on with her boyfriend, don’t ask your lesbian friend if she uses one with her girlfriend. If you wouldn’t talk about sodomy with your heterosexual bro’s, don’t ask your gay friend if he’s top or bottom. If you believe that exclusivity is essential in a couple, don’t ask your bisexual friend if she believes in non-exclusivity.

“Sexual minority” stigmatization and attribution of some behavior to a sexual orientation or to a gender identity, it’s obsolete; it’s disrespectful and it’s an insult to your intelligence. You know there are better words, better jokes, better values. Why put yourself down to this?

I hope that you don’t find me to dictatorial—this word still doesn’t exist in French in the feminine version—with my advices. The main goal is to inform you, to illustrate my reality and, yes, to recommend some behavior, which will help everyone. I hope that you understand a little more, or that you feel a little bit more understood.

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About the Creator

Camille Péloquin

from sea to sea, I am Canadian. there is an appropriate song for every moment. never alone. forever hope. forever young. wisdom will blow your mind. love swallows your heart. love wins. love always wins.

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