So, you’re going away with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/mistress and relishing the thought of staying in a hotel.
All that time away from the mundanity of everyday life. A break from the washing, the ironing, the cooking, and the cleaning… at home you’re chief cook and bottle washer but away you can be—well, whoever the hell you want to be!
Her old lady knickers get pushed to the back of the drawer, and out comes the baby-doll nightie and the push-up, in-your-face bra which makes her breasts look amazing for all of five minutes, but as soon as the slightest movement occurs they shake free from the dubious security of the bra and she ends up with four boobs.
It’s not a good look.
But as part of getting a hotel room, you and your partner expect each other to put in the extra effort to spice things up. But why do we go to all of this effort, when effectively all we’re doing is swapping one bedroom for another?
We’ve come up with a much better way to have a horny hotel break, and to make the extra effort worth it…welcome to our definitive guide to having sex anywhere in your hotel but your room!
An oldie but goody, and first on everybody’s mind when asked about a non-room rendezvous in a hotel.
And for good reason.
You’re so pushed for time that there is no space for foreplay; Just because you’re going up (pun intended) to the top floor doesn’t mean that someone a couple of flights up won’t be pushing the buttons, so to speak, so time is of the essence. It’s a case of straight in, straight out, and no messing around.
Added to the time constraints there is thrill of the very real possibility of getting caught, literally, with your pants down.
If you’re lucky enough to have one, a balcony, while technically still a part of your room, is a great place to have sex.
The thrill of al-fresco fucking is very much present, but for those not quite brave enough to go it alone without the safety of the curtains to dodge behind, it can be quite the thrill.
Hitting it from behind is made much easier with the railing to lean over, and again there is always the risk of a voyeur or 10 watching from other balconies, windows, or the ground.
Not quite the great outdoors, but close enough for some—a bit like riding your bike with stabilizers on, still pretty dangerous, but with a safety net.
There’s something about swimming pools on vacation that makes us want to shag.
Maybe it’s the absence of clothing, or the fact that the bottom half of our bodies are under water, but it’s a turn on for sure.
Under the guise of having a cuddle against the side of the pool, it is ridiculously easy to slip it in and get it on, and nobody thinks twice about seeing you with your legs wrapped around his waist—you’re just being romantic, right?
And the best part… no lube (natural or otherwise) is needed; We’re already soaking wet!
The Hot Tub
If the pool leaves you feeling a bit too exposed, why not take a dip (but don’t double dip… that’s just bad manners!) in the hot tub.
Under cover of the bubbles, and with temperatures rising (among other things) having it off in a hot tub isn’t in a lot of people’s top 10 places to poke it for nothing.
A throwback to the 70s they might be, but hot tub humping is here to stay.
Even if you have to share the tub with other guests, you can be indulging in a spot of mutual masturbation unseen (but possibly suspected) by the other bathers. Which just adds to the fun!
We really are fans of al-fresco fornication, aren’t we?
Most hotels come with quite substantial grounds, and rooting in the undergrowth is another way to have it off au naturale.
Depending on the country you’re staying in, indigenous foliage can provide the perfect camouflage for our outdoor cummings and goings.
Foraging through the bush is highly rated at any time, but the pleasure is doubled with a gentle breeze blowing through your hair.
Tree trunks provide the perfect prop to upstanding (and outstanding) boning.
Hang on to the trunk while he bangs you balls deep from behind, or wrap your legs around him while he nails you to the tree… the rough bark shredding your back will also bring the pleasure-pain principle into play.
Hide in Full View
Of course not all hotel grounds will have trees and bushes in abundance, so if you still want to get it on in the open air, you will have to find another way.
And there is no way more thrilling and dangerous than hiding in full view of everybody… this is not for the feint hearted.
Get your gypsy on, and wear a long, flowing skirt, nothing fitted, and with plenty of fabric in it (not forgetting to go commando underneath).
He, of course, will also be hanging loose and unencumbered, and with some loose fitting trousers on for easy access.
As he takes a breather on his back, in a nice soft spot, you’ll want to avoid getting a grass stain on your skirt, so you sit on his lap as he "takes a snooze."
(Now this is where you both have to have sleight of hand, because as you lower yourself on to his groin, making sure your skirt isn’t in the way, he simultaneously gets out his old boy under cover of layers of fabric, and you slide right on.)
This will inevitably raise some eyebrows, so be inventive, take out a book, and start reading to him.
(To all intents and purposes he will be listening intently, as you recite your favorite poetry, but just like a swimming duck, while all is calm on the surface, under the water is a hive of activity!)
This method works best if you have been a good girl and done your kegel exercises, as rigorous humping is out of the question, so you will both be relying on your pelvic floor muscles to do all the work.
However, the sheer naughtiness of doing it in plain sight will be enough to push him over the edge!
If your hotel is even slightly upmarket, then the chances are the dining tables will have tablecloths.
And if the tablecloths are long, you’re in luck!
Choose a table against a wall, and not too close to other tables, and you might just be able to pull it off (pun absolutely intended) and still have time for dessert.
In the interests of time restraints, he will need to do some of the leg (or wrist) work himself. You can help this process along by letting him know that you are indulging in a little self-love while you suck the melted butter off the asparagus.
He’ll get the message.
You won’t have much time… after all, how long does it take to retrieve a knife from under the table, so tell him that when he’s almost ready for cream pie, to drop his fork under the table.
You’ll have 30 seconds, so get under, get sucking, and get out.
And wipe your mouth discreetly on the napkin with a smile when you’re done.
Ok, so rutting in the restroom is tacky, but that somehow adds to the thrill.
It take us right back to those teenage years, where we had to get it on when and where we could.
The chances are the restroom in a hotel is going to be a lot cleaner and sweet-smelling than the ones you used to shag in years ago, but the basis is still the same—it’s a forbidden act, and that makes it SO hot.
The opportunities for oral are there for both of you—standing (and squatting) on the seat not only gives unrivaled access, it also leaves only one pair of feet visible under the door should anyone become suspicious.
So the next time you go away, leave the frillies at home and be creative. Whether it is grinding in the grounds or eating out while you’re eating in, the opportunities are endless. Just leave the bed for sleeping in!