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Becoming Vulnerable

Is it happening too quickly?

I met you only a month ago, and while it started off as fun and harmless dating, it has shifted into something else. You've been so kind and respectful about addressing my needs to take things slowly, offering to move at my pace, asking to kiss me. This makes you different than the majority of people I have dated or been in a relationship with. My past experiences have been with people who either want to immediately create a sense of seriousness and commitment or who want nothing more than to use me like some toy that gets taken off the shelf to be played with based only on their desires and rules. I have been enjoying this slow pace.

The night we first kissed flipped a switch in my brain that I can't turn off. The way you pulled me into you, your hands firmly around your hips, as our lips met for the first time was immediately etched into my memories. We made out like teenagers next to the dwindling fire, our hands exploring each other, taking each other in with new senses, and I drove home telling myself that I was going to need to restrain myself around you. I have since lost that sort of control. 

We had another date three days later. We drank beer, ate pizza, and once again found ourselves back at your house. This time we sat on the couch, your arm around me as we had something on Netflix playing on the television. I turned my face to yours and suddenly an hour had passed. An hour filled with more exploration, hands and lips and tongues finding new ways to make each other gasp and softly moan. That was when you learned that I like my hair pulled and I found the spot behind your ear that made your hips twitch forward as I kissed it. You planted kisses along my belly and I ran my hands through your hair. You were kind and understanding when you asked what I thought about taking my shirt off and I told you that I didn't want things to move too quickly. We kissed for a little while longer, our bodies moving together in such an erotic yet sweet way that had me whispering "I want that" to myself on the drive home. I told you that I appreciated your ways, and you let me know that I was in charge, that I would be the one to give you green lights, that you were happy to take things slow. 

Four days later we met again, this time for bowling and sushi. The way you kissed me as I got out of my car was strong and forceful, our arms pulling each other's bodies close, whispers of moans escaping my lips as your hips pressed against mine. 

"This is a very wholesome date," you mentioned during the first game. 

The second game, you complimented my ass. Throughout the game and dinner, I was straddling the very fine line of good dating etiquette and the fire between my thighs each time you barely touched me.

We got back to your place and after smoking a bowl and going for a walk we ended up in the kitchen, not far from the couch. You pushed me back against the counter top as you kissed me. Our shirts came off. We went upstairs to your bedroom. I gave you so many green lights. You could have taken everything I have to offer, but you are different. We were there, naked in your bed, covered in sweat and the scents of each other's bodies. I told you twice that I want you to fuck me, and both times you asked if I wanted it that night. You didn't press me when I said I wasn't sure when, and told me that you want it too. 

I don't know what comes next. I can't help but think that it feels like you want to know all the parts of me, and I don't know how this works. I let myself become vulnerable so quickly. Now you know how easily I can orgasm when pushed and pulled in the right ways, and now you really know how much I love my hair being pulled and my ass slapped, and you know what I taste like, and you held my jaw as you pumped yourself hard and fast past my lips and down my throat. I now know how tightly you like my legs wrapped around your waist as your hips are ground into mine, and what your face looks like as you let yourself loose, and what to expect when I let you take everything. 

I don't know what comes next because mixed into all of our primal actions you rubbed my back and made me feel comfortable. We talked and laid naked in each other's arms. We both got up and used the bathroom with the door open. I don't know what this is because it feels healthy and I'm not used to that. I have no experience in this. I don't know how to be both wanted and respected. I'm feeling insecure because I like you, and now I'm expecting to be hurt in some way. I don't know what I'm doing because I've only been divorced for four months and I don't know how to keep things light and casual now that you know these parts of me. 

What I do know is that my short experience with you has proven that I will be able to share this part of me, these current feelings, and you will listen and make me feel validated. Please be patient with me while I continue to grow into this new version of myself. Please stay along for the ride.

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