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Okay guys, this may be a long one. If Y/you haven't been here before, welcome to SubSays! This is Vol.2 of the "Ask a Submissive Series" where I answer questions that are commonly asked to me as a part of the BDSM lifestyle.
A “Fetish” is defined by the M-W Dictionary as:
a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc
There are so many fetishes that exist in the world that I couldn’t possibly go through them all to educate anyone who isn’t aware of their existence, even though I have been asked about the majority of them. What I can do is go through some questions and see what we can learn about a few specific fetishes like feet, exhibitionism, objectification, pet play, needle play, behaviour modification, etc. Remember that having a “fetish” doesn’t necessarily mean that Y/you have to be able to receive sexual gratification in the form of an orgasm. So stay tuned, and let’s learn a little!
As always, if Y/you have any suggestions for questions for me to answer, feel free to shoot them at my Twitter: @SubSaysHello and I’ll answer them in the next applicable volume!
1. How do people find pleasure in sucking on other people’s toes?
Dude, it’s about whatever Y/you’re into. If You receive gratification from having people suck, lick or bite your toes, then find someone who receives that same gratification from doing the sucking, licking and biting! I’ve seen Doms(me) walk around in the mud and come back in to have their slave wash Their feet, or more recently, having chocolate licked off of Them at a party.
2. Isn’t it just about the sex?
Absolutely not. In zero way should it be just about the sex. For example, behaviour modification, graphoerotica, pet play, little space, and so many others actually don’t require any sort of actual sexual intercourse. Could you make it a part of it? Sure. Again – it’s whatever Y/you’re into.
3. Why do people in the lifestyle play in public?
Exhibitionism is defined as the act of exposing parts of the body that aren’t normally exposed like the breasts, genitals or buttocks. There are actually more people than you’d think into playing in public due to this fetish. A lot of the time in the community, during our play parties, people are already wearing minimal clothing, and despite that, they’ll go play on a Saint Andrews cross or get strung up with rope. Naked people are beautiful though, let’s be real.
Just remember that if Y/you don't want to see it, Y/you don't have to look.
4. What is a sex club? Why do P/people go there?
Haha, this is a question I get a lot. A sex club is a club for sex (duh). It’s usually an extremely safe space to get naked, play or have public sex. As a little tip for A/anyone looking to attend for the first time, please make sure that Y/you've signed a waiver before going in - it eliminates the potential problem of someone recording or photographing Y/you, and increases every level of safety associated with f*cking in public. One that I’ve went to in the past had really cool rooms that were all different in terms of painting, lights, and the scene that was going on. It’s neat to watch how other P/people play! Of course, it should be optional for you if you’re going to actually engage in intercourse.
5. Is having a collar a fetish?
It can be! If you receive any sort of pleasure or gratification from wearing or seeing a collar, it can absolutely be considered a fetish. I just like wearing mine because it lets everyone know that I’m not Theirs, but that I’m Sir’s! Also I don't take it off because it has a bell, and I have a slave bell fetish.
6. you have pictures of marker drawings on yourself, what’s with that?
Graphoerotica is a fetish what is often described as “pleasure stemming from someone drawing on your skin.” Blatantly put, please draw on me! This fetish could include crazy pictures, words, little kid drawings, signs or symbols! As long as there was drawing happening and I get to wear it, I’m super happy and usually pretty stimulated. Some P/people in the community can go as far as drawing words like “slut” or “whore” or “Mine” on Their s-types as well, and although I enjoy that as well, I’m pretty good with just about anything. I wish I had taken a picture of the little cow that Sir drew on me last week, haha.
7. What if your partner doesn’t like the same things you do?
Well then you’ve got a couple options. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, you can discuss this with your partner. It's the easiest way to see where Y/you both stand on the topic (yay open communication). For example, if You were into public play and Your submissive wasn’t into it at all, then You’d either have to accept that fact and just not do it, or speak to them about seeking another avenue of play to express that fetish. If Y/you’re polyamorous, it might be a little bit easier to find another play partner that would fulfill the needs of that fetish for Y/you. In NO way is it ever safe to assume that anyone’s into anything, and never EVER should you impose a fetish on someone if they have explicitly expressed that they do NOT enjoy it.
8. Is objectification like turning people into furniture?
I mean, yes, it can be. More commonly, it’s about turning a person literally into an instrument to be handed as pleased by their D-type. Sexual objectification is extraordinarily different, where the D-type can literally just use their submissive as a sexual instrument to their pleasure. Full, spoken and expressed consent have to be stated so clearly with this fetish, since you’re literally dismissing any sort of dignity left to the person. Common statements with this fetish are “my f*cktoy,” “I’ll take you as I please,” “house slut,” “party favor,” and “My f*ckdoll.” At this point you may be thinking why the heck would anyone want to submit to something like this – it really does become clear when you start to analyze the dynamic that the submissive can have with their Dominant. If the submissive is a sex slave, their only goal would be to please their D-type with whatever He/She wants. That’s what they would have discussed, been okay with, and encouraged – in this situation, they’re wanting to be used as such, and they feel that gratification off pleasing their Dominant in this way.
If you’d like some more information on objectification, Sir Vice writes an amazing and reputable article explaining every aspect of sexual objectification in full: here.
9. What in hell is ‘pet play?' Are people literally treated like animals?
Okay, this is a fetish that a lot of the vanilla world isn’t accustomed to seeing, so I’ll approach with caution. Pet play has been given similar treatment to playing as an “adult baby” or an adult little. It’s about regression, but in this case it’s to an animistic state, typically representing that of a dog, puppy, kitten or fox (often called “domestic pets”). People who have this fetish revert to a state of being an animal, and would rather wear the accompanying ears, tail and costume and be handled by their caregiver or owner. Those owners and handlers typically don’t actually want to have sex with their submissive partners who play in this space – I mean I’m not one to judge in the slightest, but it is uncommon for that to take place.
Let’s just take a puppy for an example, since it’s the one that I have the most knowledge of handling. An individual or s-type that would play as a puppy would usually wish to be doing every puppy-like thing you could think of – from drinking and eating out of a bowl, being pet like a puppy, and played with (it’s absolutely adorable). On the more extreme end, the puppy can be wanting to go for a walk or use the outdoor “facilities,” but that would be considered less common.
Here’s a bit of a PSA for all of you though. If you see a human in pet space, please ask their owner to approach, similar to how you would a dog, and call them by their desired name. Anything but this may revert them out of their regression, to which they will not appreciate. Handle them as if you had just met an adorable puppy!! If they hand you a toy, throw it or wrestle them for it! If they want to be scratched behind the ear, offer your hand!
I really do hope that all of Y/you get to meet a pet player in person so you can truly understand what it entails.
10. Isn’t needle play dangerous?
I mean…yes, yes it is. Needle play, including play piercing and recreational acupuncture, is a method of receiving or giving pain in a different way from that of impact play. Think of what would happen if you went into a piercing artist’s studio to find a ton of bacteria infested things and mold and then the artist didn’t disinfect their equipment and you got an infection. Yeah, that could happen here too, since something needle-like is piercing the skin and touching bodily fluids. The proper technique has to be used and taught to the D-type that is inflicting this type of play. This fetish specifically requires ample amount of training on both parties, but it can be extremely fun since the endorphin high for the s-type can be euphoric.
Now for how to play. Before Play, your first step should be to train - finding someone who already knows how to perform this type of fetish play successfully and safely and learn from them. Here are the steps in theory so that Y/you can kind of get an idea of how the play ensues. Negotiation, where all aspects of the scene and every single needle should be discussed so the s-type understands and knows what to expect. It’s absolutely helpful to study arteries and nerve clusters, since there would be nothing worse than temporarily or permanently paralyzing your s-type or causing them to bleed for days. Ensure that the area and the needle have been fully disinfected as well! Usually, if this play is not meant to pierce the skin like it would in a piercing artist’s studio, the needle should be placed just beneath the surface of the skin so that the sensation can be at its fullest. Sadistically, you could always push the needle in slowly, intermittently, or all at once. If this is something that interests you, I would highly recommend turning to Fetlife.com and finding someone who is willing to train you in how to properly play in this manner.
11. Isn’t the Dom abusive if he uses behavior modification?
It’s been years in the scene and I still can’t believe I get asked this question by everyone. No. Dom(me)s are not abusive if behavior modification is played with consensually by both parties. It’s actually very fun, and deeply rooted in psychology and sociology studies. As a D-type, depending on your arrangement with your submissive, you really can have full control over their every move and thought. It does take some time, but there are so many articles across the internet that delve deeply into what it really means to alter someone’s behavior as they want it altered. This could be an idea for a new article of mine, since it would take pages upon pages to fully discuss!
12. Isn’t your mental health affected with degradation and humiliation fetishes?
Nope. As said in Vol.1 “it’s called aftercare, have you heard of it." As long as the proper aftercare ensues play, the fetish of being degraded and humiliated will cause very minimal mental harm on people suffering from mental health illness.
Thank you again for reading! If you have any suggestions for future articles, my information is at the top of this article, or you can tweet me at @SubSaysHello.