Abreast of the Breast

No matter what my weight has been in my life, smaller or larger, there has been one constant. I have big breasts. I sprouted breasts before all the other girls in my class and had to start wearing a training bra at age nine. By 13, I had Double D boobs and these days I would say they are around an H or I even though I still stuff them into Double D bras because larger bras are stupid expensive and hard to find.

I love my breasts, they are important part of my self-identity and being but it can be described as a bit of a love/hate relationship. The following are some pros and cons of having big bazoombas (which by the way is my favorite euphemism for breasts. Try chanting Bazoombas! Bazoombas! Bazoombas! without cracking into a smile).

Some Cons of Having Larger Breasts

Needing to hold onto your boobs when you are running for the bus or they escape your bra, fly up and hit you in the face.

No jogging for the same reason.

Buying bras and bikini tops is a serious pain in the ass.

Bigger bras are frequently ugly (seriously how hard is it to make a cute big bra and who likes beige anyways?! Nobody! That's who.).

Big bras are ridiculously expensive.

Sore back all the time (oof!).

Knocking things over by accident with your boobs like drinks or plates of food.

Knocking people over by accident with your boobs because you swung around too fast.

Every shirt is a cleavage shirt.

There is no hiding the damned things.

Accidentally pinching your boob under your arm (ouch!).

No sleeping on your stomach, it's way too uncomfortable.

Trying to reach your toes to paint them is practically impossible.

When I look down I can't see my feet, I only see boobs.

Some people are very disrespectful about making unwanted sexual comments about your larger breasts.

Strangers will sometimes feel it's okay to touch your breasts without permission (it's really not okay).

Sometimes you accidentally hit yourself in the face with your breasts.

Bras can be painful.

People who assume you are sexually available just because you have large breasts.

Underwire is the devil.

Some Pros of Having Larger Breasts

It makes the bus driver laugh when he sees you running holding onto your boobs as you run for the bus.

You get a fantastic jiggle even when you are just walking.

People occasionally walk into telephone poles when they watch your jiggle go by.

Every shirt is a cleavage shirt.

You can fit the entire contents of your purse (keys, money, Iphone, ID, etc) into your bra and no one can tell.

Respectful breast worshipers who understand that while you have awesome tits, you also have a brain attached to them and are a fully actualized person beyond your tits.

Glitter on the boobs is like having mirror balls on your chest.

I can hide booze in my bra and sneak it into concerts.

Large breasts make fantastic pillows.

I can give a blow job and a tit job AT THE SAME TIME!

I can hold a full pint glass of beer between my breasts with no hands and not spill it.

Man, can I rock a busty outfit.

If I wear a corset I can literally rest my face on my boobs.

Nothing feels better than taking your bra off and letting your boobies go free.

Airing out the underboob is very refreshing.

The feeling of having someone's face between your breasts is pretty darned awesome (as long as they were invited to be there).

Awesome floatation devices.

I can balance a dinner plate on my boobs and eat.

Built in shelf for books, cats, laptops, etc.

Tassle twirling.

Motorboats.

Even though they can be a pain in the neck (literally) I think my breasts are still pretty darned awesome. It can be a struggle, but they are a part of who I am. I think it's important for us to be respectful of people with breasts. Breasts are often the butt of a joke or used to devalue the intelligence of the person who has them (which is really weird, your brain is not in your breasts). But breasts are also the source of literal life, sexual organs, and centers of psychological wellbeing. I think this makes them rather amazing.

For a culture that is obsessed with breasts, we are not always respectful of them. Men who have breasts are outcasts, women can be devalued for them or told that lacking them makes them less feminine, a lot of sexual street aggression focuses on the breast, and advertising and media constantly make us feel as though our breasts are not perfect and that breasts are the only valuable part of a woman.

However, even with these down sides, big or small or in-between love the breasts (and body) that you've got! They may one day feed babies, be a source of sexual pleasure, or simply make that dress look fabulous. It's your body and no one (and I mean NO ONE) gets to dictate how you feel about your body.