A Loose History of Sex Toys

I have the flu. I am absolutely avoiding all contact with human beings until I get better. Fortunately, I have a computer, an internet connection, and a bunch of sex toys.

Naturally, I began to wonder; what was the first sex toy? Is there a history of sex toys and their evolution?

Wikipedia had quite a bit of information on kinds of sex toys, but not when they were first discovered, or how they’ve been developed throughout the ages. I did, however, find a little article onDailymail.uk.co.

It claims that the first phallus-shaped sex toy was made from stone and dried camel dung.

DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET.

Look, they found this stone thing. It’s 28,000 years old. Maybe, it’s been damaged since it was created. Maybe it was just something someone made to pass the time. There’s no way to know that some crazy chick decided to stick this in her cunt.

I seriously doubt this was a sex toy, but whatever.

The article went on to claim that in the Middle East, Egyptians and Greeks used unripe bananas or dried camel doodie. Uh… Greece is not “The Middle East.” Greece is in Europe. The Middle East usually denotes countries like Iraq, Kuwait, or the United Arab Emirates, but again, whatever—all irrelevant.

If you know me at all, or if you’ve read anything I’ve written ever, you’ll know that I stopped reading the Dailymail.uk article at this point. I enjoy the Brits. My favorite Brit is Patrick Stewart. Isn’t he Irish? I like a good sheleighleigh.

Maybe, they were sex toys! Forget it.

The Cut had an article about the 30,000 year history of sex toys. Evidently, someone wrote a book about sex toys. This claim was made in the article.

As Hallie Lieberman puts it in her new book Buzz: A Stimulating History of the Sex Toy: “Thirty-thousand years ago, our ancestors had been hunched over carving eight-inch-long penises out of siltstone.” What exactly these phallic stone objects were used for is up for debate among various archaeologists, of course (some argue the earliest versions were used to sharpen tools), but their size and shape seem more than a little coincidental.

At least The Cut admits that the stone could have been for anything. How many engine parts look phallic? How many pop cans look phallic? How many lady razors look phallic?

One day, three or four thousand years from now, someone’s gonna find a mortar and pestle and claim it was a sex toy…

Lieberman might need to rethink her own thought processes, though, seriously. It always amuses me how writers think they know everything... as if they were an authority on a subject because they wrote it down... Man, I love satire. Do you get it? It’s funny… because I’m a writer…

Anyway, we all know that some people are nuts, and they’ll have sex with anything. Some people put metal rods in their pee holes. I gotta’ say, I’ve never been that bored. I’ve got a few stories, but I’ll digress for the moment.

So, okay, is there a history of sex toys or not?

Well, after laughing my ass off, I decided to refine my search, and I looked into the first manufactured sex toys. Naturally, dildos came up solid—a joke. About 2,000 years ago, the Greeks were definitely crafting bronze penises.

According to Core77, the first vibrator was crafted by Cleopatra, who placed bees inside a hollowed out gourd, and rammed it in and out of herself, or maybe she just pressed it against her clit. Does it matter?

Come on, people. Use your brains. How intense a vibration could be harnessed by bees in a gourd? My good God should you be glad I’m here to write this article. I’m a writer, you know? Holy cow.

I then went on to read that the first vibrator was created by George Taylor during the 1800s. You see, when women were treated for hysteria, doctors had to manually stimulate their vaginas in order to alleviate their symptoms. Since the doctors’ hands would cramp up from pleasing sooo many women day after day after day—I can’t even…

Some people actually buy into that crap. The devices engineered by Taylor were designed to relieve cramps, constipation, and other ailments for both men and women. In actuality, Pulsocon vibrators were used in the late 1800s by men and women for self stimulation.

Hysteria was never treated by doctors manually stimulating women… at least not legally.

I got sick of dildos, vibrators, butt plugs, and terrible, terrible misinformation. I bypassed cock rings, which I think were invented in China and brought to Europe by sea. Then, I tried desperately to find the first pocket pussy; I mean, c’mon, guys will usually stick their dicks in anything they think can make them feel good. I figured there had to be some legit information. Well, let me segue right here since this article is off the rails anyway…

I had a friend once—no, really, this was my friend, not me. I’m kinky not stupid—who told me he got a plastic bag from a store, filled it with cooking oil, heated a towel in a microwave, wrapped the towel around the bag, placed the “device” between couch cushions, and then banged the bag. That’s fucking stupid. There are all kinds of germs and maybe viruses in a plastic bag. I’d be terrified of getting the herp from something like that.

B.T. Dubz; Wikipedia claims the following:

In prison slang, a "fifi" refers to an artificial vagina usually made by rolling a trash bag or condom inside of a towel, and using some sort of lubricant such as hand lotion. These are also referred to as "fifi towels" or "fifi bags".

Anyone can write anything on Wikipedia. Also, people will do anything if they think that someone else has already done it.

At any rate, fruits and vegetables such as hollowed out cucumbers, banana peels, papayas, and other produce have for sure been used as improvised masturbators for men. They have the advantage of availability, low cost, and flesh-like texture. Plus, you got something to eat after you finish...

Once more, I gotta add that I’ve never banged a melon. My hand was always enough when I was a teenager. I didn’t get into toys until I started dating, and there has always been an availability of manufactured toys, so, you know… I never banged a squash or a trash bag.

Alright, OMG, alright, all I was able to learn from hours of hilarious research was that the first artificial vagina, apart from dutch wives—sex dolls—was the Fleshlight, which was patented in 1998 here in America.

I couldn’t find much of anything else, but I seriously doubt the Fleshlight was the first pocket pussy. I’m sure the Greeks, Romans, Chinese, or Japanese had something before that.

Speaking of Asians, a lot of us don’t know about onaholes or onacups, which are like Fleshlights but made in Japan.

Weird thing about onaholes; the term onahole comes from onanism, which is the act of pulling out during intercourse and cumming elsewhere, but onaholes are designed for collecting sperm… paradoxical, man.

I couldn’t find out when onaholes first came on the scene either.

Oh, by the way, according to Wikipedia, sex toys are illegal in India. Yeah, the country whose culture wrote the Kama Sutra denounces sex toys. This is the world we live in… I just, I don’t even know. Whatever…

Alright, so, here’s the thing—no more bullshit. I’m finally finished. I’m spent. I’m ready to spray my conclusion all over you; all cultures have been futzing around with sex toys since time immemorial, and we may never know when the first sex toy was crafted, who crafted it, or what it was. What I do know is that we all like orgasms. Who doesn’t like an orgasm? Even asexual people occasionally try for orgasms.

Orgasms just feel good, and they make us happy. Make yourself feel good anyway you can, so long as you’re not hurting anybody in the process, I mean, unless they consent to some pain, but have a safe word. I like jellybean; there’s nothing funnier than yelping jellybean, jellybean in the middle of crazy sex.

Be sure to drop by my NSFW page in order to peruse legit online sex shops. It doesn’t matter when sex toys first hit it big. What matters is that you can get all kinds of stuff today, now, right now. There are a lot of great toys out there, and none of them are made from quadruped shit. Thanks for reading. Tip me hard if you liked my article.