6 High-Tech Sex Toys

When we think of how technology is changing our sex lives, we normally imagine an old white man poo-pooing on modern "hook-up culture." While it's true that social media has changed the way we have casual sex, technology has also taken sexy toys from drab to fab.

This cock ring does a hell of a lot more than control blood flow. It also provides you with a whole bunch of information you never realized that you need to know. Technology programed into the ring allows it to measure average thrust velocity, calories burned, and skin temperature. It will also provide information about the amount of times you have had sex as well as any positions you have used recently, in case you aren’t one of the types who keeps mental records of your sex life. You can even anonymously access stats to compare yourself to i.Con users all around the world. You can even take your competitive side to a whole new level by deciding to publicly share data (why would anyone do that?). I wonder if there will be an i.Con social media app with a large variety of eggplant emojis.

The We Vibe: Sync is a vibrating toy meant to used by both partners. It is a u-shaped device, with one end inside the lady stimulating her g-spot and the other end outside to stimulate the clitoris. During sex, the vibrations also stimulate the partner penetrating by stimulating the penis. The best thing about this device is that it can be synced up to an app. In addition to the remote control which can be used to control vibrations, the app can also be used. One feature on the app allows one partner to tap the screen to create real-time vibrations, so you can absently tap away as you work on paperwork in the office. The app also includes a feature which can sync the vibration pulses to music. Testing needs to be done, but I can only assume that sensual saxophone music unlocks some sort of “advanced mode” of ultimate music-synced ecstasy.

This odd masturbation sleeve is meant not only to bring pleasure but also decorate your home, if you’re going for the whole subtly sexual aesthetic. On one hand it's great to reinforce the mentality that sex toys are nothing shameful, but on the other hand nobody wants to see the rubber sleeve you lube up and call “bae” once the lights go off. The Sculpted Ecstasy comes in five different designs, each meant to provide a different level of stimulation as well as external design. The sleeve is stored with the texture facing out, and used with the texture facing inwards to provide stimulation. One definite pro about this is that the design makes it easy and efficient to clean. It’s also white, so if any of your special sauce gets left behind when you transition it from pickle tickler to beautiful home decor nobody will be the wiser. I wish I could watch the archaeologists of the future try to figure out what this is.

There is no better way to describe this toy than as an obstacle course for your penis. It’s essentially like a set of jaws which can open flat (for washing/drying) or close fully (for use). When closed, an outer clip can seal the device so that excess air can be removed to create a vacuum-sealed dick chamber. Then you pound away, as your dick works its way through several different textures and barriers. The final destination is something called the “layered end orb” which sounds like a weapon from a badly translated video game. To top it all off, this brand refers to their lubricant as “hole lotion.” This toy might not be particularly high-tech, but the company tried so hard to make themselves seem sleek and modern that I thought them worth the mention.

It’s not unusual to see toys geared towards seeing inside a partner’s vagina or anus, but the Siime Eye really takes the cake for high-tech camera toys. This toy is a vibrator with a camera and built in light, which can connect to a phone to broadcast its footage. Of course, the connection is purposely very secure to ensure that nobody else can hack into your pussy photography. You can send it to your partner for fun play-while-away. You can also save a video to your phone, so you can spend the rest of your life checking every sent message to ensure you don’t accidentally send it to anyone. It also features Svakom mode, which is sort of like cruise control for your orgasm. Helpfully, the product page includes several diagrams of how you could use the product, in case you have no previous experience and decided to jump straight to camera vibrators with their own flashlights. I also can’t unsee “Slime Eye” as the name instead of “Siime Eye”... not exactly a pleasant connotation.

For a small fee of about $17,000, you can order your own custom Realdoll with a robotic head and face. The doll will move and talk like a human, except you can swap out their vagina or penis and choose the exact dimensions of their nipples. You can add elf ears, give your doll intersex anatomy, or give them a flaccid penis. Literally, anything that floats your boat is an option. It’s like The Sims but sexy. Also, they only talk when you want them to. Who needs humans anymore, right? Joking aside, Realdolls have become an important part of many people’s lives. Many have relationships with their dolls and form a connection with them. The sex robot will take that to the next level by adding AI capabilities and moving parts. In case you ever wanted to know what it would be like to date Siri or Cortana, the AI connects to an app so you can customize their interactions. There’s also virtual reality capabilities which will be able to read your hand movements to allow seamless interaction with the virtual environment.

Personally, I’d rather have a robot who can file my taxes and cook me a delicious dinner, but we can’t all get what we want.