Let’s be honest, unless you are a rampant teenager trying the Kama Sutra with a boyfriend you call big daddy, you have dealt with these awkward situations. The ones that you won't even tell your best friend who has seen you piss in an alley whilst eating the remnants of a kebab. But don’t worry I'm here to confirm what we all tell ourselves anyway, it really does happen to everyone! So let's jump into the world of sordid secrets and get down and dirty with the truth about sex.
2. The Inevitable Slip
Ladies, we have all had this happen. You are going through the motions, riding him so hard your thighs are screaming to be given compassionate leave and you feel like you have run two consecutive marathons... but it's all going to be worth it, you are right on the edge, you can feel it building inside you, driving you insane with pleasure and then BAM it slips. The worst thing is it never ever misses that spot right between your vagina and your bum hole (I believe the scientific name is perineum). And it is all over. All thoughts of mind-blowing orgasms have gone leaving no evidence they were ever there and you are left holding yourself and checking to make sure you do indeed still have two separate holes. Worst of all, your partner has already gotten over it and is pleading with inappropriately timed puppy eyes for you to finish the job with a well-placed hand or mouth.
We have all watched the movies where the drop dead gorgeous size 6 actress decides to do a spontaneous striptease in front of their other half. We have all had the initial "that's a little awkward" followed by the "I could so do that". But let's get down to the truth girls, we have no idea how to start it, what music we should be accompanied by, and have no idea how to control the giggles! You are all set up, your partner is in front of you, intrigued by this sudden change in you, you have finally decided to use the movies cheesy soundtrack, chosen a sexy outfit, and you feel like the most confident woman in the world. It's all going well and then you realize you have absolutely no idea how you get out of your super tight skirt (you had to wear because it makes your butt look on the right side of peachy) you have two options; carry on and try your hardest to not fall over or give up and give your partner oral so they forget about the whole thing... which one do you choose? I'm inclined to use my hands and mouth where my dress sense failed.
3. "Let's Try That New Position"
So sex has started to get a bit predictable and your best friend suggests that you try a new position... This could potentially be the worst bit of advice you ever get! Even just looking through the Kama Sutra is a task, if you haven't seen it yet I dare you to buy it! And I mean buy it, it's not the kind of book you want to be seen leafing through at your local Waterstones. After your initial shock, you will probably find one or two you deem slightly do-able (most of them seem as impossible as seeing a pig fly over the moon holding a dolphin's hand). Then comes the act, even trying to get into the same position as the picture will make you feel like you both need to take sex remedial 101. Be prepared, you will definitely fall over at least 5 times, your elbows will go into the most awkward of places and if you don't laugh at least once you are doing it wrong! So next time you try that new position make sure to drink plenty of wine and have the bandages ready, you're in for a bumpy night!
4. What Was That?!
There's no denying it, sex is actually the unsexiest thing you can think of. One of the things that makes it so incredibly unsexy is all the noises you hear, I'm not taking the moans or wails you and your partner make, though sometimes I really wished a gag was nearby! But actually the sounds of your bodies coming together and that unexpected noise that you really hope he didn't hear. Whether it be a queef or a full-on botty-burp we have all had one slip out and suddenly found God, praying to anyone that will listen that he didn't hear it... oh an that it doesn't smell!! But as if that isn't enough to worry about there are the accidental slapping and fart sounds your bodies make as you get to that fast and fiery speed, just as climax is reaching its greatest point, your stomachs decide to fill the room with the slapping of skin that will put off even the sturdiest of people.
5. Switching Positions
So if you have ever watched a steamy movie or tried to watch a little porn you've seen the seamless switch between positions. But if you aren't a pro or directed actress/actor it isn't the easiest thing to do! You are well into the flow of things, feeling the mood and your partner suggests you switch it up. Normally you would just get up and off them and lie down ready to be mounted (for lack of a better word). But this time you feel like you are going to be the flawless sex machine you have always wanted to be. You hold them in closer and start to roll still thrusting as well as you can all things considered. Maybe just maybe you are in with the luck that night and it goes really well... however always be prepared for the worst, by personal experience I can ensure sometimes it goes so wrong you end up on the floor and trust me it's even funnier looking up and laughing from the floor!
So, in conclusion, I think it's safe to say sex can be embarrassing, hilarious, and hurt in more than a few ways. But you should always remember, if you haven't laughed at least once during sex... you are having it with the wrong person!
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