Today, I was chatting with a friend online. We were talking about sex, about kinks, about our fantasies and the things we would want to try out. It’s a totally normal subject for us. Although they can sometimes feel guilty of telling me, their junior by three years, about their experiences and their reveries, I remind them that I’m also an adult who has long lost their innocence and we continue our conversation peacefully.
Then they ask me to also share some anecdotes and some objects of my twisted imagination and I gladly do so for they are comical to me and I feel like I can freely choose where to stop my storytelling. It’s overall a comfortable conversation but I can’t help but feel awkward in some way.
I tell them how I like to “watch” and how I don’t imagine myself “participating” in any of the activities I describe. They ask me if I at least touch myself and answer that I don’t feel any longing to do so. They are surprised and ask if maybe it’s because I wanted someone else to touch me and theorise that that may be a fetish of mine and it’s the same answer. They carry on their suspicion and describe a scenario in the popular form of dirty talk.
And then, most likely prompted by the words “hand down your pants” and “pussy”, I tell something I had never really pondered on. It was an idea that had grazed my mind but that I had pushed a way a while back. Just like that I wrote it without thinking twice.
“I’m not quite comfortable with my genitals so there’s that. That is probably stopping me from doing anything.”
It most likely didn’t have much of an impact on them for they continued as if they had heard that many times but it spoke so much to me. I was actually taken aback for a second. Really? That’s how you feel? Why didn’t you tell me earlier if you knew all this time?
They tried to reassure me. It was normal to hesitate. You had to be sure to be comfortable with a person before having sex with them. They said that it was sad that there was something preventing me from being able to make my dreams reality.
Then again, in a sentence that held no mean to harm and that had actually been formulated to reassure they included the possibility that one day I could be ready to “want a dick inside [me]” and it made me cringe. On the spot, I wanted to write “Yeah, no. I’m a top” but I knew that wasn’t entirely true. I’m a versatile pansexual so both top and bottom is fine with me with any gender—at least I think—but for some reason thinking that I would be under a man in this supposition bothered me.
They told me to take my time and to not expect my first time to be anything big and then bid me farewell. With a troubled mind, I reciprocated.
"Anything else on your mind?"
Hours after that discussion, days and months after similar ones shared with disparate individuals, I wonder what the source of this barrier that separates me from others is.
Does it have a link to my sex? Is it being a female that hinders me? Am I experiencing some kind of dysphoria? I thought I was fine with what was under my belt though… I know it’s hard for me to show my body to others because they tend to then only see me as a woman and not as also a man. But when the activities took place with my friends that accept me and my pronouns, why did I still feel that way? I knew they acknowledged both of my genders but why did I doubt it? Why does it feel like I’ll forever stay a “cute girl” in their eyes?
Why is it that I can always read in their eyes that I am bound to submit to a man some day? Is that what bothers me? I remember ranting about how people seemed to always think that the role of a woman in a heterosexual relationship was to be submissive. I remember a friend telling me that they thought it was disgusting to say that some people were born to submit when we talked about alpha and omega dynamics in fanfics. It’s true. And I find it disgusting that the man always seems to be the alpha while the woman is the omega. It feels to me that our society is ruled in such a dynamic. Isn’t that taking the role-play too far? I did not consent to this.
I don’t want to use the excuse of being also a man for wanting to top. I would want to be a top because I would want to be a top. Period. Men are not the only ones that are “worthy” of being on top.
That’s another thing. Why do I feel as if there is a worth at being the person that dominates? Why does it feel to me that being submissive is a lesser job? It’s sex, for goodness lord. Why do I give so much importance to the positions people have during it? Now, I don’t look down on people that choose to receive during intimate times but I admire them for “putting their pride away” and I feel like that’s just as wrong. There’s no disgrace in such a character.
I’m looking far. I’m analysing. I’m questioning many things because it’s important for me to know why when I flirt with someone, when I feel as if I’m comfortable with them, I get to a point where I hit a wall and force myself to keep a distance.
And I know there’s always the fact that I’m scared to get close to people because there were multiple times were I gave too much power to people and ended up putting myself into toxic positions so that’s not helping. However, if we put away any feelings that belong in the romantic and friendly category, there is still a wall that remains and that bothers me.
These days, I see myself more and more relating to asexual characters. Other terms like demi-sexual or even auto-sexual also resonate in my very spirit as possible relief. I hug people and think that maybe I only have sensual attraction and that the sexual kind is left to others. But then I can look at someone and imagine myself with them and it feels right.
So I hope that one day I’ll be able to figure out where the roots of this wall are so I can dig them out like tormenting weed.