2017: Year of Self Discovery

After that "new relationship start" period everything went well for the consecutive three years, in which my girlfriend and I have been together through thick and thin... at least until the prophetic day arrived:

My girlfriend wanted to have sex with a man.

We've been together since we were just 17. She's been the first person I ever had sex with, and the same was for her. So, after some weeks in which I thought about it, I decided to give her this opportunity. After all, it merely was a test, just to know how does it feel to have sex with a man.

She did it. Three times.

I was devastated. I gave her my whole trust, and she just threw it away to have sex again with that guy. I couldn't believe what she did to me, I hated her, and I hated that guy.

We broke up some days later.

After more than three years in which I was in a long-term relationship, I found myself lost. My habits, our habits, have just disappeared in a moment. I became a sort of zombie: I barely got up from bed before 10 AM, I stopped eating, and I almost failed at school.

Until I met him.

I never thought I'd ever find a man attractive after my official coming out in 2013, but that's precisely what happened. He was one of my classmates. I barely looked at him before, but after I broke up with my girlfriend, we become closer to each other. He was in a similar situation as mine so that we could talk to each other without having to explain anything. We simply understood each other immediately.

The first time I slept with him I was as scared as a kid in front of the real boogieman. I felt like it was wrong, after all those years in which I learned everything about my girlfriend's body, I didn't even know where to put my hands (men's bodies are just so different from women's)! He reassured me and was very gentle for the whole time. He never forced me to do anything I didn't want. And I liked it. But I still was scared as hell.

My whole self was being destroyed piece by piece. I was losing my mind. I hadn't too many problems to admit that I was gay, but now? Was I still? What was I? What did I identify with? I never thought that I'll ever have to do all this process again.

This whole thing (even now I can't find a name to the feelings I had at that time) went on for almost a month and a half, in which I learned a lot about sex that I haven't even imagined in the past three years with my girlfriend. I discovered anal sex, the pleasures of changing sex spots (like the shower, for example) and positions. I grew up a lot thanks to him.

Then, one day, I suddenly realized two things:

1. The problem with my ex-girlfriend was that we were too monotone in our sex life (and that's why she looked for something new and inexperienced).
2. My sexual preference had changed: I wasn't more only attracted to women, but also by men and non-binary people. I was (and am) bisexual. (To be honest, I'm still a bit scared about that because some people see being gay just as a phase, you know, something that will change in the future, and be bisexual for most of the people is just like being confused, and it's not like that! Sometimes I find a man attractive, and sometimes I find a woman attractive but I assure you I'm not confused at all.)

Those thoughts brought me in front of a choice:

Should I have to try again with my ex-girlfriend, or go on with this new guy?

Even if the guy I was seeing was lovely, I couldn't help but think of her. I missed her like hell, and I wanted her back with me.

My best friend forced me to not text her for three whole months, but after just one day I was dying. I needed to talk to her. We met up secretly and spoke for about four hours. I explained her everything that happened to me, I apologized to her, and she forgave me, and vice-versa.

I broke up with the guy I had an "affair" with, and my girlfriend and I decided to start again, this time with a new stock of knowledge about our sexual life. In fact, we promised each other never to be monotone anymore.