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When I was younger, I was often told by older people that getting married was a great way to kiss your sex life goodbye—and I honestly didn't believe it. For the longest time, and even to a point now, my goal in life was to be married and in a happy relationship.
Blame it on Disney, or blame it on having role models of a reasonably happy relationship in my childhood, but my view of relationships is very romantic. Though I've watched plenty of Divorce Court, I still see the value in marriage.
Maybe I saw it too much. I legit thought that married couples always got it on, and that most relationships were happy. I yearned for it so badly, hoping that one day I'd be enough for someone to want me like that.
Then, reality hit.
Sometime around my 30th birthday, I started to notice all the miserable married couples around me. More guys started to approach my newly-single ass for affairs, all the while whining about how much they hated their wives and girlfriends.
Even in grocery stores, I noticed the number of women and men who just seemed worn down and out from their family lives. I didn't want to believe it, but it was starting to look like most marriages aren't happy ones.
Trying to convince myself otherwise, I took a good look at all the statistics that I saw regarding marriage. The picture it painted was grim. It's well-known that half of all marriages end in divorce. Studies suggest that just as many marriages are also rocked by infidelity.
If that's not bad enough, then I took a look at the "dead bedroom" effect. Couples in dead bedrooms are known for the gradual or sudden cessation in sex—and it is way more common than you'd think.
Around 15 percent of all married couples haven't had sex with each other in the past six months to a year. Many more haven't had sex in multiple years. Ever wonder what the causes of a dead bedroom are? After hearing how common it was, I sure as hell did.
Infidelity seeps into the relationship.
One of the most common causes of a dead bedroom is a cheating spouse—and really, is it that shocking? Most people aren't really that polyamorous by nature, so they tend to focus on one partner more than another.
It's also worth pointing out that having sex is often physically tiresome, and many people can only go for one round per day. So, think about what this means for married couples that decide to chase some strange.
With monogamy-minded partners, this usually means that the sex that would be happening between spouses tends to happen outside the marriage. This leads to more problems than just a standard lack of sex.
Personally, I've noticed that dead bedrooms caused by cheating tends to be accompanied with emotional abuse and emotional distance. If you notice these symptoms, you probably have a cheating spouse.
Purposeful emotional abuse becomes more apparent.
Scary as it is to consider, there are some sick people who enjoy emotionally abusing their spouses. Very few methods hurt more than forms of abuse that involve feelings of rejection, abandonment, or contempt.
One of the more common methods of abuse that double as causes of a dead bedroom is emotional withholding. What is emotional withholding, you ask? Plain and simple, it's denial of affection with the intent to hurt or control a partner.
If you feel like you are being hurt on purpose, or if you notice that dead bedrooms are being used as a weapon in your relationship, please talk to a divorce lawyer. Love should never include your partner making you feel worthless.
People get married for the status it will bring them.
Believe it or not, there are women and men out there who are absolutely terrified of being left unmarried, and will settle for people they're not attracted to in order to have a wedding ring on their finger.
Being able to say you're married isn't the only reason why someone might get hitched out of desperation. It's also a well-known fact many people will purposefully date people they don't actually have any attraction to for money or status.
Sadly, people who decide to go into these kinds of marriages aren't always easy to spot. They can be very convincing actors, and will continue to play the role as long as they feel they're close to getting what they want. However, once they have what they want, all bets are off—and the bedroom dies almost instantly as a result.
People in relationships gain weight exponentially.
There's a good reason why it seems like single people tend to take care of themselves better than those who've settled down. Many people, once they're locked into a long term relationship, will let themselves go.
On average, people will gain anywhere from 15 to 20 pounds when they get married. Some people will gain quite a bit more—and that's where the problem begins.
People, in general, are visual creatures. If you don't take care of yourself and keep your weight stable, it's very possible that your partner will lose interest in you. Less interest means less sex.
The worry about losing your partner's interest is real. One study showed that people who gained 30 percent of their body weight during marriage are twice as likely to divorce, so it's no wonder that its a cause for a sexless marriage, right?
Sex hormone production drops.
It's not a secret that the human body tends to undergo a wide variety of different changes as it ages. During your teens and 20s, your body is working to prime itself up for reproduction. This is the time when you'll be at your horniest.
If you're a guy, your testosterone is at its peak. If you're a girl, this means that your estrogen will be running wild and giving you the urge to hit it with the cutie across the room.
Then you hit 30. When you get close to the big 3-0, you will start to have your hormone levels drop. With both men and women, the sudden dip in hormones can cause your libido to crash.
Couples begin to resent one another.
From what I've learned, it's remarkably easy to find resentment creeping into your sex life. Little things tend to add up—and if too many things add up, one partner can easily start resenting the other. This can make you lose interest in your partner faster than you think.
Seeing your partner go out while you're stuck taking care of the kids, noticing that your partner just doesn't listen to you when you ask them to do chores, and even picking up on things like being the less attractive partner can easily cause someone to resent their spouse.
Sadly, once resentment has crept into a relationship, it's very hard to overcome. At this point, you may just want to split up.
Having children kills the mood.
Having kids is "the next step" after marriage for most people; and for most people, they are a joy to have. However, kids comes with a lot of ramifications that most people don't expect.
The sheer amount of time and effort required to take care of a newborn is staggering. Most new mothers also experience a hormone-related libido drop while they heal from the trauma of childbirth as well.
Most, if not all, new parents will take a short break from sex while they get readjusted to life as a larger family. The problem with this is that sex is often a "use it or lose it" type of deal—and once you're out of practice, it's easy to have a person's sex life become an awkward issue.
Additionally, it's not unheard of for men to suddenly lose attraction to women who just gave birth. Sometimes, it's due to body changes. Other times, it's the Madonna/Whore Complex that's to blame. Either way, it's clear that kids are a mood killer.
The couple is stuck in a rut.
Did you ever notice that married couples tend to fall apart after partners get too comfortable with each other? It's most visible when you see a couple that just started to live together.
Maybe it's all those days you use the bathroom with the door open, or maybe it's the fact that you've seen your partner's skid marks before, but whatever it is, sex tends to peter off when you live together for a while.
Oddly enough, this is one of the few causes of a dead bedroom that's reversible. It just takes hard work on both partners' ends to figure out how to fix a dead bedroom—and possibly the assistance of a sex therapist or couples' therapy.
The couple simply losses attraction toward each other.
Though weight gain and childbirth account for a lot of the reasons why people can lose interest in a spouse, they are by no means the only reasons that someone may stop being attracted to a person. People change—and they do it all the time.
Sometimes, you can outgrow a partner. Other times, your partner may change to the point that you don't recognize them. Either way, it's hard to regain sexual attraction once you've lost it.
Medical problems inhibit romance.
Most people do not want to have sex while they're sick or in pain, and really, why would they want to? It hurts! Unfortunately, if you have a partner who is sick, there's not much they can do to keep that spark alive.
You don't always have to be physically sick to have a medical block killing your sex life though. One of the more common causes of a dead bedroom is medication side effects.
Certain types of anti-depressants, blood pressure medications, and hormone treatments are known to cause libido drops. If your dead bedroom happened fairly recently, check to see if your partner started a new medical routine. You might be able to change things up.