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Solo-Sexuality

The Erosion of Human Intimacy

By Michael ThielmannPublished 7 years ago 4 min read
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I have had the honor to talk to many people from different backgrounds who have sought my help in overcoming what they consider to be unhealthy use of porn.

I want to qualify my thoughts about human sexuality in general, since it is easy to get into black and white thinking when it comes to these subjects. In a recent article I discuss the problems associated with technology and artificial intelligence. I also alluded to my own struggles with internet porn during high school and how easy it can be to fall into certain negative patterns.

In talking with (mainly) young men today, I see some common themes. They often tell me how anxious and afraid they are about talking to people to whom they have a sexual attraction. They state that they would rather look at and masturbate to internet porn instead of going through the natural courtship processes that even a generation ago were commonplace.

What they tell me is they feel nervous and awkward around real-life prospective sexual partners. Part of them wants to find the courage to begin dating and cultivating a real relationship, but they find themselves going back to the computer or TV for release of their sexual urges.

A lot of it comes down to the fear of rejection. Since sex is the most intimate of human actions, we open ourselves up to another person and can feel very vulnerable and exposed, both physically and emotionally.

Porn, on the other hand, will never reject anyone. It is always at arm's length and the viewer is in complete control. There is a sort of neutrality and detachment about porn that seems to appeal to many people.

Real, authentic, human sexuality asks a lot of us. It is the most profound physical connection we can experience, and we have a lot of responsibility to honor and respect ourselves and our partner.

Since sexual desire is innate to most human beings, we are going to look for a way to express it one way or another. If our culture shames us for what we feel is our natural God-given sexuality, it becomes part of our shadow and seeks to express itself in other ways. Internet porn allows people to act out these repressed desires in private without fear of being ridiculed by others.

However, it is really the self-judgment that becomes the issue for many people. This is especially true if people end up viewing content that is disturbing and even illegal. This adds to the sense of self-condemnation and encourages even more secrecy and isolation.

My wife works in a public library, and had trouble with a man who has been banned from many public places for making unwanted advances on people. It turns out he has a history of looking at internet porn in public places as well and had been caught by various people in the community.

This person is an unfortunate example of the cycle I am talking about. He is fortunately aware of his problem and is attempting to get help for it but has burned many bridges in his town. Most people I have spoken to believe a person such as this is beyond help, and needs to be removed from society. I have seen healing occur in even the most "far gone" individuals, so I tend to take a more optimistic viewpoint.

My counseling work has been primarily focused on prevention and early intervention with young people. The idea is to build up a person's confidence and educate them about healthy sexuality, encouraging them to be honest about their struggles and fears so we can work past them.

I am not implying that internet porn or pornography in general is wrong or bad, just as drugs, alcohol, and gambling have varying effects on different people. It is a matter of recognizing the slippery slope that many people are navigating, and seeing how technology can play into the culture of isolation and disconnection from authentic human interaction.

My goal is to help create a world where human sexuality can be celebrated as a means of connecting body, mind, and soul in mutual love and celebration. We see sex being used as an opiate, a painkiller, a distraction, and as a means of power and control. Healing our collective pain around sex is no easy task, and the answer lies within our own hearts and minds.

sexual wellness
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About the Creator

Michael Thielmann

I am an addiction and mental health counsellor living in Salmon Arm British Columbia. I love engaging with people about overcoming any challenges in their life and being vulnerable and open about my own process as well. <3

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