Self Worth and Why I've Chosen to Wait

Out at brunch, drinks before going out, late-night drives, and midway through an extravagant eye shadow look; my fellow lady friends would ask “when are you going to lose your virginity?” Being the sarcastic, (self proclaimed) witty girl of the group I would often reply things such as “well from no fault of my own” or “not from a lack of trying” and my personal favourite “ask me again after tonight.” We would all laugh and I would yet again dodge the question, which interestingly seemed to concern others far more than myself. I would often wonder "when" and "who" parodying the queries of my female counterparts.

The idea that I “fell behind” as a twenty-year-old virgin does not affect my day to day life whatsoever, but I always tell people with a spike in heartbeat and worrisome flurry that indeed, I had not done "it" yet. I have reached an age where, no longer are we contemplating boyfriends and sex but my entire friendship group is living it and progressing astronomically. (To the extent where a collective conversation about anal sex was warranted). Nevertheless, I remain the same.

Except, I haven’t stayed the same at all.

All throughout my schooling I was always the tallest girl, nay, person in the class. Now, as a 6”2’ woman I still struggle to make male friends who don’t feel intimidated by me. If the height thing wasn’t enough I am very broad and very extroverted with a loud contagious laugh. No boy gave me attention in year 9 and it made me all the better for it.

I would often cry, “boys don’t like me.” Pair that phrase with “I’m fat and ugly” and you have my entire grade 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 experience. Now I look at those two sentences and realize that they do not belong together at all and the day I stopped letting others decide I was beautiful I became myself wholly. Why did I let these self conscious little boys decide if I was worthy; and worthy of what? Their genitalia, pffft? I am a wealth of knowledge and spirituality, not a hole for you to put it in. If you have me, you will have me for my soul and mind. I made a promise to myself not to accept any less. With one exception: if I, as a woman decided whole-heartedly that I was ready to commit the act, I would grant my permission. Long after my seventeen-year-old epiphany I read a poem that aligned my beliefs, like a needle sewing two separate pieces of cloth. Rupi Kaur (2014)

“It was when I stopped searching for home within others

and lifted the foundations of home within myself

I found there were no roots more intimate

than those between a mind and body

that have decided to be whole.”

There were times when I was desperate for sexual gratification, but potential love interests almost always saw me as a friend, a sexually desolate state of mind. I find this perfectly acceptable, as I find friends to be like a home away from home. So instead of trying to get laid, I focused on getting my mental health back in check. With many relapses I feel I am at a point where I can manage sufficiently. Tick. I found passions and fed my soul. Tick. I attached myself to kindred spirits who bring my energy up. Tick. I slowly begin to lose the weight and rekindle an old flame for basketball. Tick. I was filling myself and began to notice the attention of older men trickle in. My reasoning was that my being was beaming and that the boys my age had not lived enough to see it. Sadly, I am attracted to men my age.

So I will wait. I want a connection. One that is like we are reuniting, where conversation never runs dry and our differences only bring us closer. I have had this in the past, but only ever platonic or that never went anywhere. At this point in my life I assume they will be male but truthfully I do not rule women out.

I will wait until my heart is aflame, not until marriage. It’s time I dictate my autonomy and I am so in love with this me. Not the me who thought that because boys don’t like me I am not worth anything.