Mistakes Men Make in the Bedroom

Most men like to believe they are a God in bed. From their epic oral skills to their grand love-making techniques, I have yet to encounter a man who doesn’t believe he’s the best in the sack. Now of course some dudes actually live up to their boasting and practice what they preach, but for the fellas who reside in an alternate universe and believe the “jackhammer” move is every girls fantasy or that a female orgasm is possible in two minutes, here is a dose of reality for you. If you are guilty of doing two or more things from the list below, you my friend are most likely crap in the sack. Luckily for you though, this assessment comes with some advice and there is no time like the present to learn and improve.

The "I climaxed so she must of climaxed" Assumer

Listen, most women do not get off from sex alone and if you have a girl who screams orgasm after every 5-minute performance, well then you have yourself a pretty little liar. I don’t know why women feel so much pressure to fake orgasms, but all men should know a few minutes of penetration rarely ever does it. Why some men believe, “Well I came, so she must of came too” is beyond me. I mean come on; a dude can fake fornicate with a lamppost and climax, so to assume that she reached orgasm in that short amount of time is just ridiculous. The answer to your problem here is foreplay and lots of it. If you’re a two-pump-chump that’s OK, just remember to take care of your partner before your short yet powerful performance.

The Big Game Talker

I literally just rolled my eyes as I wrote this. I swear some people can be so delusional when it comes to sex. To get a little personal, let me share one of my best whora-stories (get it, horror, whora, ha)! Many moons ago, after a few weeks of intense sexting with a guy from California, I was convinced by his elaborate descriptions of what he was going to do to me, that my night with him would easily be the best night of my sexual experience thus far. Finally, he made his way to NJ and the time to blow my mind had finally come, and blew my mind he did, with his nearly invisible boy parts and violent machine-gun reenactment that lasted all of 60 seconds. When it was over and I was finally able to breathe again, I looked at him with such confusion and anger. What happened to “giving me everything I want” and “begging for him to move to NJ”? The only thing I begged for was a red eye back to California and for my memory to be erased. My tip for you shit talkers is to keep your trap shut or be 100% sure that you can deliver what you promise.

The Anti-Reciprocator

Unless you can show me a doctor’s note that states you are allergic to vagina, then there is no excuse for not going down on your chick. I know some women pull the same card with blowjobs but much like the phrase, “be a man”, you need to man up and eat up. This can be your saving grace especially if you aren't packing in your pants or a well-aware minute man. Many women would choose a good oral sesh over actual sex any day of the week. If you are scared that you have no idea what to do down there, for Christ sake rent a porn, YouTube, or learn the effective and fool-proof method of tracing the ABC's.

The Unconfident Lover

If you’re the guy who is thinking about every move as you’re performing them, then you are most likely a boring bone who rarely strays from missionary. While there is nothing wrong with the classic man on top position, for your sake and hers you have got to switch it up. Get out of your head and stop worrying whether you’re doing it correctly because there is no such thing as right and wrong when it comes to sex. Of course, sex can be awkward especially when you don’t know your partner that well, but honestly, who gives a crap! Lead with passion and desire and not with the fear of embarrassing yourself. When all else fails, COMMUNICATE! Ask her what she likes, how she likes it, and if what you're doing feels good! Chicks love to talk! Once again, I can tell you from personal experience that a man who makes love with confidence and fervor makes up for all the uncomfortable moments in between.

The Non-Cuddler

We get it, some men do not like to cuddle, but if you want to impress a woman and keep her faithful and satisfied, then you have to give her a little after-sex attention. What the hell is the big deal anyway? I’m not suggesting you spoon naked for hours on end, trust me women don’t want to cuddle your flaccid wiener any longer than they have to. What I am saying is after the deed is done, touch her, kiss her, and indulge in some dirty verbiage describing how great she felt. It can be as simple as running your fingers through her hair or lightly scratching her back. I know this may sound needy but if she can spread her legs and allow you to smack her ass and pull her hair, the least you can do is show a little appreciation and give the girl a few minutes of attention.