In Search of Self-Satisfaction

Sometimes it’s better to keep to yourself.

There comes times when you're lonely and you think you need somebody there, but you only end up hurting yourself. It’s hard when you meet somebody and your world suddenly comes to a stop, revolving around them and everything they do. You thought you knew what you were getting into.

It has been so long since you’ve been with somebody so you decide, why not? Just to have a little fun. But it suddenly comes to an end and you begin to ask yourself, was it really worth it? It’s been so long since somebody has noticed you. Noticed you since you started to wear bolder clothes, or that you finally had the courage to wear that new lipgloss you bought.

He acknowledged you. He knew the right things to say to make you feel noticed. You knew he wasn’t looking for something serious, but you were hoping that along the way he may also catch feelings for you.

You put so much time into him, and suddenly he drops you like there was nothing ever there. Like if you didn't exist and made you feel like you were never good enough.

You're hurt but your heart still beats faster when you see him. You still get goosebumps when his hand touches your skin. You get the chills at the sound of his voice. You're a prisoner of his love no matter what you do or say and you know he has full control over you. You need him, or that's what you wanted to make yourself believe.

He is over you and you are left holding onto every moment you guys have ever spent together, reminiscing, wishing you had never fallen so deep in love with him. You don’t know how to accept it. You believed him. You lost a part of yourself. You were being used, played with and touched just like a toy is left when a child gets bored. You thought, just maybe he may find an interest in me. Maybe he isn’t exaggerating.

Thinking, thinking and overthinking and for what? It’s a question that keeps repeating in your head, making you wonder why he was different in your eyes. All those endless hours staying up late talking when all along he was thinking about her.

You yell his name at the top of your lungs only to stop and hear the echo. You stay wondering, thinking if maybe he does the same. You are caught up in your love for him. It hurts, yet you still carry on. It hurts yet you still believe. Believe that maybe, just maybe he'll want you as you have always wanted him.

They are lies, yet you still replay what he said day after day. He was bored, yet you still think about those moments he showed your body love. He’s playing you, but you still played along. You know deep down it’s killing you, breaking you piece by piece, tearing you apart limb by limb, but you take the pain because having him is worth it.

You deserve better, but despite the truth you stick around, only because you’ve never had better. Inside you’re afraid. Afraid to receive real love. Afraid to feel wanted and appreciated.

You know it’s wrong, entirely wrong. It’s your dirty secret. You keep it to yourself but inside it’s eating you alive, fighting to come out and reveal itself. You want others to know. You want them to see, to understand, to care and provide support. But it’s a secret, a secret you’re willing to keep from your friends just so that you can relive everything you have with him.

To relive the moments that made you believe he loved you and you loved him. Those moments he caressed your skin in the shower, bent you over and penetrated your skin. Because those were the only times he told you he loved you. When he had you on your knees telling you just one gag, because nothing meant more to him than to see the woman he loved lowering herself for him. Those moments when he lifted your skirt and felt around inside and told you he wanted you but left when he had his share.

You keep it to yourself, not only because you wanted to be selfish, but because you know that you will be told that it is wrong. You know it’s wrong. It’s wrong, yet you try so hard to make it right. You’re lonely, no one listens but he comforts you. He listens and tells you, you matter. He lied to you, but it’s something you’ve been wanting to hear, so you stay.

You force yourself to believe that he will change. You hope that he will. The fear of him completely ignoring you haunts you. So you stay. Desperately awaiting his arrival. He's the one. You keep telling yourself that he is what you need, that he can make your wildest dreams come true.

But they don't. What's the point of dreaming of things you cannot acquire you begin to ask yourself. He's always been one call away when you needed him but he always needed something in return. Some days he came over and got what he wanted, leaving you without hearing you out, leaving you sweating, naked and feeling empty inside. He's been using you. But you know you cannot blame him.

You were vulnerable. You just wanted somebody, anybody. You used him, for all the wrong reasons. You don't love yourself. You're disgusted with who you are. You needed someone to make you feel alive. Someone to provide what you thought was happiness. You are confused. You thought he'd always be there, but now he's gone and your self-esteem is lower than its ever been. You know you were being silly, he just wanted your body. He took all the little you had to give. You're left begging for help, needing some love. Because you know you cannot get through all of it on your own.

Now you're broken. More broken than you've ever been. You were thinking positive about it all, and frankly thats what counts the most. You saw the best in him even though there was none to be seen. You just wanted approval from a man to make you feel beautiful. And you had it. He did everything possible to have your body but he nothing to have your heart. You thought he was listening, but he was only zoning out. You thought he was telling you he needed you but he only needed your body.

You feel so abused. You've never had so much rage yet so much love for anyone. He consolidated your state of mind and now you feel so unstable. He moved on and made it clear that there is nothing you can do to gain him back, so you grieve and wait for the next male to notice you. Hoping this time he's able to show you love, not in the least, lust.