How Did That Happen?

I've always known I was a little different. Regular sex and relationships get boring quickly, but what else is there? People experiment in their teens, get married in their 20's or 30's then settle down and have a family. That's just what happens when you're from small town Bible Belt, USA. At least that's what I thought and did.

Two divorces later, I decided I was doing something wrong and it was time to play by my rules. Of course, I wasn't sure what those rules were so I made them up as I went along. I had a friend who enjoyed blindfolding and choking me and that was way more fun than regular sex. He would blindfold me and make me stand completely naked with hands around the bedpost while he used everything from feathers and soft touches to smacks on my ass and hands around my throat. I had no idea the world I was entering. I didn't even know there was a name for such things. I just knew I was enjoying this way more than what I had during my marriages. Things evolved and changed and due to circumstances beyond our control, I moved and we lost touch, but not before I had a taste of this new world of different pleasures.

I found another friend who liked to add floggers to the blindfolds and chokes. I couldn't imagine a better time in the bedroom...or dungeon. We had a pretty serious relationship and I thought I could spend a lifetime with him. He introduced me to whips, nipple clamps, bondage, cages and a whole list of other forms of erotic play. I now had a name for all this fun I was having. Welcome to the world of BDSM! His wife was cool toward me at first, but began to warm up. (Polyamory is a post for another time).

As much as I thought I loved him, looking back, I loved what he offered not who he was. I loved the idea of having a Master, but my concept was flawed. I saw him as someone he was not, nor could be. Maybe I read too many trashy novels to understand what BDSM was really all about. I gave myself to him fully, and he taught me a lot, but he also took more from me than he was capable of giving. The relationship ended due to time, distance and my desire for more than he could offer.

After finding a website called FetLife (Facebook for freaks) I found a local club and decided to visit. I saw all kinds of new things! People of all shapes and sizes who were comfortable in their own skin and happily enduring pain and pleasure and all sorts of sensations. I explored. I visited the club several times before feeling comfortable enough to play with anyone. Those I played with took me to places I didn't know existed except on the pages of books. This foray into the BDSM community was much smarter than previous experiences. I was learning the difference between sex and love and discovered what play partners could offer.

I experimented with wax and electricity. Sensation play became part of my weekends at the club. People saw me as confident and secure, when in reality I was new and scared and just trying to fit in and find my place.

The club was hosting an event called "Taste of Intensity." I decided to go, but had no idea what to wear or what to expect. This whole leather concept was different and aside from a pair of shoes and a belt or two, there was no leather in my closet. I decided I didn't need to wear leather to fit in. I was making friends and they would accept me no matter what clothes I chose. I was nervous but ready to dive in instead of just dipping my toes in the shallow end of the kink pool.

I met a man who could throw two single-tail whips at the same time! We negotiated a scene and that is where I fell in love. It wasn't love for the man, or anyone else there. I fell in love with my own body and the pain it could endure and the pleasure I found in that pain.

This road isn't for everyone, but for those of us who embrace all that we are, it sure is a beautiful life!