Confessions of a Married Virgin

I was married once, technically I still am. I am in the middle a divorce. By the time our divorce court date comes we will have been married a year and a half. 18 months, 18 months too long if you ask me. You may be asking yourself, "Then how in the world can you consider yourself a virgin?"

Here is your answer... I don't. I had sex during my marriage. Hell, I had sex before my marriage! Like many of us, we have multiple partners throughout our lives. Some of these partners are one-night stands, some of them are boyfriends or girlfriends, some are lovers, and others are screw-ups. But there is that one person who some of us commit to have sex with for the rest of our lives.

And I did, I married a man I committed to have sex with for the rest of my life. And while the sex was so-so on a good day, that's not what I am here to talk about.

What I am here to discuss is what sex is like after marriage. Why you should wait. How to go about it right when you decide its time. And who you should do it with.

My husband and I separated in August of 2017 due to differences in how we view life. He views life as a trash bag full of anger and despair, and I don't. But this here was the problem, sex sucked. And I thought that as soon as I was free from his terrible tirade of sadness and shitty sex, that I could go hog wild and experience all that life and sex could give me.

I was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

First, sex after marriage can be difficult. That person you trusted your whole life with has left you or you left them. For certain reasons! Divorce is a serious matter! And sex is vulnerable. You were vulnerable with that person for "x" number of months or years! And no matter how long you are married, sex between husband and wife is special. You can't just up and change that in one day! Sex can be scary at first. But don't be afraid of yourself or the person you are sharing this moment with. Which leads me to my second point...

Secondly, sex after marriage can feel amazing for two whole seconds. You feel this empowerment that you did it with someone other than your wife or husband! I mean really, you just went through a terrible break-up you deserve a good servicing! But here's the deal, you don't feel good after those two seconds. Even as you deny it, you feel guilty.

Not for the ex, but for the person you just used to get over that ex. You used a human being to fulfill your hurt and anger and sexless-ness. Not cool. And then you feel terrible about yourself. Trust me, been there, done that. And maybe you don't feel that way at first, but eventually, it will hit you like a ton of bricks.

I have one friend who has gone through something similar to myself. Married too young, got divorced after a few months of marriage. And right out of the gate she slept with every man she drank with at the bar. At first, her sexcapades felt harmless. She felt good for controlling her own sex life (like she should) but a few months later came to me in tears. All because she felt guilty for using those men as a way to heal from her sorrow and hurt.

Third, when you are ready go ahead! I can't and shouldn't dictate when its okay for you to boogie down! When you feel ready, go for it. However, before then, examine yourself. Make sure this is what you want, where you want it, and who you want it with. This pertains to EVERYBODY. Not just women, but men too.

If you are in the backseat of a 1978 Chevrolet with trailer trash and you are moving too quickly, speak up! I mean, you just fought your ex-spouse for the damn dog and half the assets, say something! Don't feel like because your ex has a hot new number their arm, doesn't mean you have to. You do what is right for you.

Lastly, who you should do it with. This does not include your ex! Unless there is a 100% chance of a reconciliation and a remarriage on the horizon, please don't sleep with your ex. This happens more often than you think. I almost did it! And I felt foolish!

The person you want to have sex with after marriage can be with whoever you feel comfortable with. But keep in mind the other guidelines. It doesn't have to be someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. It just needs to be with someone who you are comfortable with and that wants to share this time with you.

Marriage is hard, divorce is hard. Sex can feel easy. But it connects us in ways that we don't always understand. I call myself a Married Virgin because 1) I'm not officially divorced yet; 2) Even though I had a moment of wild, crazy times after my separation I reigned in and am following my guidelines. Its been MONTHS without action.

You don't have to follow this exactly, people feel differently about all aspects of life. Including sex and marriage. But, I know what its like firsthand to leave someone I loved and still love very much. And I know what its like to have sex after I left that person.

Its hard enough as it is, let's not make things harder. (Pun intended.)