“Coming Out” as Asexual

There seems to be a general question about whether or not someone needs to come out as asexual.

Is coming out as asexual necessary? Is there even a procedure for it?

The short answer, an answer that may irritate those of you reading: it depends.

That is never something someone wants to read, but hear me out. The concept of coming out is based on the societal concept that “straight” is the norm, and while studies currently exhibit that it is the most popular, there is no true norm. Humans simply are, and the characteristics of humans differ from one to the next.

Frankly, I don’t believe people need to come out as gay or lesbian or bisexual. They should simply be allowed to show up at their houses with their partners without any preemptive action. Friends and family are bound to ask questions after seeing that society more or less dictates them to do so, but their questioning shows they care, that they have a desire to understand (and that is certainly a step up from previous generations).

Unfortunately, asexuality works differently. It is understood far less than even homosexuality or bisexuality, meaning that if you say you’re asexual, those listening may have no idea what you mean. That’s understandable, to some degree, as asexuals apparently only make up one percent of the world’s population.

However, this also means 76 million people are left misunderstood and wondering how to approach confronting others on his or her or their sexuality.

So, as I stated earlier, it depends.

It depends on what type of asexual you are (and for those reading this article who aren’t asexual, yes, there are many kinds of asexuals), and it depends on your views of sex and children.

See, while “love is love” has become a more widely accepted mantra of the world, the expectation still remains that everyone wants a family of their own. For many, this isn’t the case.

Let’s break it down.

Many asexuals are appalled by the idea of sex, finding it dirty and disgusting, and about as appealing as doing the laundry. Others remain neutral: while they don’t have a real desire to do it, they understand others’ enjoyment of it. Some actually do like sex, which is the confusing part for those who don’t know asexuals. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, not the lack of sexual enjoyment (even while that description is apt for many).

Many asexuals never plan to have sex. Others have done and aren’t really opposed to doing it again or may simply not want to. Some do want to do it.

Asexuality is practically a spectrum all of its own.

If you find yourself to be an asexual who is ultimately looking for a life-long partner who you actually want to have sex (and maybe kids) with, “coming out” doesn’t seem necessary. You are as close to society’s sexual expectations as any asexual can get.

If you want sex but don’t feel sexual attraction, you probably don’t need to come out then, either.

If you want a life-long partner without the sex, make that clear to the partner. Tell that person you are asexual and explain what it means pertaining to you in particular. It’s better to do this earlier rather than later in the relationship, as sex is often key for many.

If you don’t want sex and don’t want a relationship, it may be best to explain this to your family, especially your parents. As an asexual, never feel obligated to have sex. If it’s not a part of who you are and what you want, you’ll end up hurting yourself if you do.

Ultimately, the decisions you make are yours. Once you find just ow the terms “asexuality” fits you, it is important to ask yourself how you fit that spectrum in order to understand what it is you actually want as opposed to what you have been made to think you want.

Of course, all of this advice is circumstantial. If you want to come out, do it. There is nothing wrong with that. Just try to avoid the pull of obligation when coming out is unnecessary.